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4 Types of Attachment Styles

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

What Is Attachment?

Characteristics of attachment.

• Strange Situation Assessment

Attachment Through Life

• Secure Attachment Style
• Ambivalent Attachment Style
• Avoidant Attachment Style
• Disorganized Attachment Style

Take the Attachment Style Quiz

Attachment styles are characterized by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. During early childhood, these attachment styles center on how children and parents interact. In adulthood, attachment styles describe attachment patterns in romantic relationships.

The concept of attachment styles grew from attachment theory and the research that emerged throughout the 1960s and 1970s. Today, psychologists typically recognize four main attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.

At a Glance

Attachment styles are patterns that emerge in our earliest emotional bonds with caregivers. These early attachment styles play an important role in child development and also influence attachment patterns in adult relationships. Knowing more about which style you have (secure, ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized) can help you better recognize the challenges you might face in your romantic relationships.

Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure. The roots of research on attachment began with Freud's theories about love, but another researcher named John Bowlby is usually credited as the father of attachment theory.

John Bowlby  devoted extensive research to attachment, describing it as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings." Bowlby shared the  psychoanalytic view  that early experiences in childhood are important for influencing development and behavior later in life.

Our early attachment styles are established in childhood through the infant/caregiver relationship.

In addition to this, Bowlby believed that attachment had an evolutionary component; it aids in survival. He believed that this propensity to make strong emotional bonds with specific individuals was an essential part of human nature.

Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

• Proximity maintenance : The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
• Safe haven : Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
• Secure base : The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
• Separation distress : Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Factors That Influence Attachment Styles

Bowlby also made three key propositions about attachment theory:

Consistent Care Leads to Trust

First, he suggested that when children are raised with confidence that their primary caregiver will be available to them, they are less likely to experience fear than those raised without such conviction.

Early Experiences are Critical

Secondly, he believed this confidence is forged during a critical development period, infancy, childhood, and adolescence. The expectations formed during that period tend to remain relatively unchanged for the rest of the person's life.

Expectations Stem from Experiences

Finally, he suggested that these expectations that are formed are directly tied to experience. In other words, children develop expectations that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs because, in their experience, their caregivers have been responsive in the past.

Ainsworth's Strange Situation Assessment

During the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth further expanded upon Bowlby's groundbreaking work in her now-famous "Strange Situation" study. The study involved observing children between the ages of 12 to 18 months responding to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mother.

Ainsworth's Strange Situation Assessment followed this basic sequence:

• The parent and child are alone in a room.
• The child explores the room with parental supervision.
• A stranger enters the room, talks to the parent, and approaches the child.
• The parent quietly leaves the room.
• The parent returns and comforts the child.

Based on these observations, Ainsworth concluded that there were three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment.

Researchers Main and Solomon added a fourth attachment style known as disorganized-insecure attachment.

Numerous studies have supported Ainsworth's conclusions and additional research has revealed that these early attachment styles can help predict behaviors later in life.

Before you start blaming relationship problems on your parents, it is important to note that attachment styles formed during early childhood are not necessarily identical to those demonstrated in adult romantic attachments.

Later Experiences Matter, Too

It's important to remember that a lot of time has elapsed between infancy and adulthood. All of those intervening experiences also play a significant role in shaping adult attachment styles.

Those described as ambivalent or avoidant during childhood can become securely attached as adults, while those with a secure attachment in childhood can show insecure attachment patterns in adulthood. Basic temperament is also thought to play a partial role in attachment.

So what role might factors such as divorce or parental discord play in forming attachment styles? In one study, researchers found that parental divorce seemed unrelated to attachment style.

Instead, their research indicated that the best predictor of adult attachment style was the perceptions that people have about the quality of their relationships with their parents as well as their parent's relationship with each other.

However, research in this area indicates that childhood patterns have an important impact on later relationships. The researchers also found varied beliefs about relationships amongst adults with differing attachment styles.

How People With Different Styles View Love

• Securely attached adults tend to believe that romantic love is enduring.
• Ambivalently attached adults report falling in love often.
• Avoidantly attached adults describe love as rare and temporary.

While we cannot say that early attachment styles are identical to adult romantic attachment, research has shown that early attachment styles can help predict behavior patterns in adulthood.

Subsequent research does suggest that parental divorce or abandonment does have an impact on adult children's attachment styles. Parental divorce or abandonment is linked to more negative feelings about romantic relationships as a higher likelihood of having an anxious and avoidant attachment style.

Secure Attachment Characteristics

Children who are securely attached generally become visibly upset when their caregivers leave and are happy when their parents return. When frightened, these children will seek comfort from the parent or caregiver.

Securely attached children readily accept contact initiated by a parent, and they greet the parent's return with positive behavior. While these children can be comforted to some extent by other people in the absence of a parent or caregiver, they clearly prefer parents to strangers.

Parents of securely attached children tend to play more with their children. Additionally, these parents react more quickly to their children's needs and are generally more responsive to their children than the parents of insecurely attached children.

Studies have shown that securely attached children are more empathetic during later stages of childhood. These children are also described as less disruptive, less aggressive, and more mature than children with ambivalent or avoidant attachment styles.

Separates from parent

Seeks comfort from parents when frightened

Greets return of parents with positive emotions

Prefers parents to strangers

Have trusting, lasting relationships

Tend to have good self-esteem

Share feelings with partners and friends

Seek out social support

While forming a secure attachment with caregivers is normal and expected, as Hazan and Shaver have noted, it doesn't always happen. Researchers have found a number of different factors that contribute to the development (or lack thereof) of secure attachment, particularly a mother's responsiveness to her infant's needs during the first year of a child's life.

Mothers who respond inconsistently or who interfere with a child's activities tend to produce infants who explore less, cry more, and are more anxious. Mothers who consistently reject or ignore their infant's needs tend to produce children who try to avoid contact.

Secure Attachment Styles in Adults

As adults, securely attached people tend to have trusting, long-term relationships. Other key characteristics of securely attached individuals include:

• Having high self-esteem
• Enjoying intimate relationships
• Seeking out social support
• An ability to share feelings with other people

Securely attached adults have better interpersonal relationships , higher levels of autonomy , a sense of purpose , and high levels of self-acceptance .

How many people classify themselves as securely attached? In a classic study by Hazan and Shaver, 56% of respondents identified themselves as secure, while 25% identified as avoidant, and 19% as ambivalent/anxious .

Ambivalent Attachment Characteristics

Children who are ambivalently attached tend to be extremely suspicious of strangers. These children display considerable distress when separated from a parent or caregiver but do not seem reassured or comforted by the parent's return.

In some cases, the child might passively reject the parent by refusing comfort or may openly display direct aggression toward the parent.

According to some older research, ambivalent attachment is relatively uncommon, with only 7% to 15% of infants in the United States displaying this attachment style.

In a review of ambivalent attachment literature, Cassidy and Berlin also found that observational research consistently links ambivalent insecure attachment to low maternal availability. As these children grow older, teachers often describe them as clingy and over-dependent.

May be wary of strangers

Become greatly distressed when parents leave

Do not appear comforted when parents return

Reluctant to become close to others

Worry that their partner does not love them

Become very distraught when relationships end

Ambivalent Attachment Styles in Adults

As adults, those with an ambivalent attachment style often feel reluctant about becoming close to others and worry that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the relationship feels cold and distant.

These individuals feel especially distraught after the end of a relationship. Cassidy and Berlin described another pathological pattern where ambivalently attached adults cling to young children as a source of security.

Avoidant Attachment Characteristics

Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid parents and caregivers. This avoidance often becomes especially pronounced after a period of absence.

These children might not reject attention from a parent, but neither do they seek out comfort or contact. Children with an avoidant attachment show no preference between a parent and a complete stranger.

May avoid parents

Do not seek much contact or comfort from parents

Show little or no preference for parents over strangers

May have problems with intimacy

Invest little emotion in social and romantic relationships

Unwilling or unable to share thoughts or feelings with others

Avoidant Attachment Styles in Adults

As adults, those with an avoidant attachment tend to have difficulty with intimacy and close relationships. These individuals do not invest much emotion in relationships and experience little distress when a relationship ends.

They often avoid intimacy by using excuses (such as long work hours) or may fantasize about other people during sex. Research has also shown that adults with an avoidant attachment style are more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex.

Other common characteristics include failure to support partners during stressful times and an inability to share feelings, thoughts, and emotions with partners.

Disorganized Attachment Characteristics

Children with a disorganized-insecure attachment style show a lack of clear attachment behavior. Their actions and responses to caregivers are often a mix of behaviors, including avoidance or resistance.

These children are described as displaying dazed behavior, sometimes seeming either confused or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.

Show a mixture of avoidant and resistant behavior

May seem dazed, confused, or apprehensive

May take on a parental role

Some children may act as a caregiver toward the parent

Researchers suggest that inconsistent behavior on the part of parents might be a contributing factor in this attachment style. Parents who act as figures of both fear and reassurance to a child contribute to a disorganized attachment style.

Because the child feels both comforted and frightened by the parent, confusion results.

Disorganized Attachment Styles in Adults

Adults with a disorganized attachment style also exhibit a confusing mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors in relationships. They have a strong need for a close connection with a romantic partner yet struggle to open up and be vulnerable. 

People with a disorganized style may seek out a loving relationship and then suddenly push the other person away. They often sabotage their relationships and have a hard time trusting their partners . 

This style is often associated with unhealthy relationships marked by toxicity , clinginess, poor communication, and even abuse.

If you're unsure about your attachment style, this fast and free quiz can help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.

While adult romantic attachments may not exactly correspond with early childhood attachments, there is no question that our earliest relationships with caregivers play a role in development. By better understanding the role of attachment, you can gain a greater appreciation of how the earliest attachments in your life may impact adult relationships.

Fuertes J N, R. Grindell S, Kestenbaum M, Gorman B. Sex, Parent Attachment, Emotional Adjustment, and Risk-Taking Behaviors , Int J High Risk Behav Addict. 2017 ; 6(2):e36301. doi: 10.5812/ijhrba.36301.

Cassidy J, Jones JD, Shaver PR. Contributions of attachment theory and research: a framework for future research, translation, and policy. Dev Psychopathol. 2013;25(4 Pt 2):1415-34. doi: 10.1017/S0954579413000692

Duschinsky R. The emergence of the disorganized/disoriented (D) attachment classification , 1979-1982. Hist Psychol. 2015;18(1):32-46.doi: 10.1037/a0038524

Smith-Etxeberria K, Corres-Medrano I, Fernandez-Villanueva I. Parental divorce process and post-divorce parental behaviors and strategies: Examining emerging adult children's attachment-related anxiety and avoidance .  Int J Environ Res Public Health . 2022;19(16):10383. doi:10.3390/ijerph191610383

Leblanc É, Dégeilh F, Daneault V, Beauchamp MH, Bernier A. Attachment security in infancy: A preliminary study of prospective links to brain morphometry in late childhood. Front Psychol . 2017;8:2141.doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.02141

Leerkes EM, Zhou N. Maternal sensitivity to distress and attachment outcomes: Interactions with sensitivity to nondistress and infant temperament .  J Fam Psychol . 2018;32(6):753-761. doi:10.1037/fam0000420

Sagone E, Commodari E, Indiana ML, La Rosa VL. Exploring the association between attachment style, psychological well-being, and relationship status in young adults and adults-A cross-sectional study .  Eur J Investig Health Psychol Educ . 2023;13(3):525-539. doi:10.3390/ejihpe13030040

Hazan C, Shaver P. Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process . J Pers Soc Psychol . 1987;52(3):511-24. doi:10.1037//0022-3514.52.3.511

Cassidy J, Berlin LJ. The insecure/ambivalent pattern of attachment: theory and research . Child Dev . 1994;65(4):971-91. PMID: 7956474

Simpson JA, Rholes WS. Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;13:19-24. doi:  10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

Coffey JK, Bond DK, Stern JA, Van Why N. Sexual experiences and attachment styles in online and offline dating contexts .  Int J Sex Health . 2022;34(4):665-678. doi:10.1080/19317611.2022.2110349

Reisz S, Duschinsky R, Siegel DJ. Disorganized attachment and defense: exploring John Bowlby's unpublished reflections .  Attach Hum Dev . 2018;20(2):107-134. doi:10.1080/14616734.2017.1380055

• Bowlby, J. A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge; 2012.
• Salter, MD, Ainsworth, MC, Blehar, EW, & Wall, SN. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. New York: Taylor & Francis; 2015.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Attachment Theory and Emotion Experience in Life Essay

Introduction, the attachment theory and life experiences, works cited.

This paper reports on the attachment theory and how life experience affects one’s emotional attachment to others. Attachment theory advanced by John Bowlby in the early 1950s, seeks to explain how early life relations affects an individual’s emotional bonding in future Hutchison (89).

The theory gives an understanding of the different personalities as relates to emotional relationships. The theory was first focused on the relationship between children and their parents, but was later expanded to look at the whole lifespan. The theory looks at ones attachment as being influenced by both psychological conditions and the social environment.

According to the proponents of the attachment theory, children develop a bond with their caregivers, which grow into an emotional bond. Further research on the theory indicates that life experiences in childhood direct the course of one’s personality as well as the social and emotional development throughout his or her life.

Besides the explanation advanced by the theory regarding the connection between a baby and its mother or a care giver, the theory also seeks to explain the attachment between adults Hutchison (43). Among adults, an emotional attachment is felt more especially during bereavement or separation of spouses. Babies are born without the ability to move or feed themselves.

They depend on care givers to for these needs; they however have pre-programmed set of behavior that comes into action due to the environmental stimuli. Environmental stimuli may trigger a sense of fear or distress in the baby making it cry for help from the mother or the care giver. The protection or comfort offered to the baby makes it develop a stronger emotional bond with the mother and others who are closer to it.

Children grow to relate comfort from distress to the people who are close to them during their early stages of development. The nature of the environment a child grows in, together with the “psychological framework builds up a child’s internal working model” Hutchison (52).

The internal working model comprises of the development of expectations that an individual perceives in social interactions. The theory explains the effect of challenging parenting such as; neglect or abuse. Parents and caregivers should endeavor to develop an environment that makes children feel secure and comfortable.

The type of relationship parents establish with their children at their early stages of development determines the type of emotional attachment a child develops with them. A child who grows up in a loving and sensitive environment develops secure relationships in with others.

Such a child grows to recognize others as being caring, loving and reliable. They also develop high self esteem and learn to deal with negative feelings. Research indicates that people who grow up in secure attachment relationships are able to demonstrate good social aptitude throughout their life.

On the contrary, children brought up in unsecure environment develop an avoidant attachment. An unsecure environment to children is often characterized by fear, anxiety and rejection. This type of environment makes a child make children to downplay their emotional feelings.

There is a group of children who grow up with care givers that are not consistent in responding to their emotional needs. Their care givers are sometimes sensitive, and sometimes insensitive to their feelings. Such children develop “an attachment seeking habit as they try to conquer the insensitivity of their caregivers” Hutchison (34).

This sort of behavior by children is referred to as ambivalent attachment, where the children seek to compensate for the inconsistent responsiveness by the caregiver. Such a child tries to manage other people’s attention through behavior sets such as; seduction, bullying rage and necessity.

Hutchison, Elizabeth . Dimensions of human behavior: The changing life course. 4th Ed . Thousand oaks, CA: Sage publications, 2011. Print

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Erin Doyle Theodorou, M.Ed, LPC, NCC

How Our Attachment Style Impacts Our Life and Relationships

Do you know what attachment style you have? I would venture a guess most people don’t. Yet if you ever spent hours on the internet “googling” why your relationships might be struggling, then you have probably come across Attachment Theory.

Attachment Theory is an area of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachment between humans. It begins as children with our attachment to our parents.

Our attachment style affects every aspect of our life–how we relate to people, how we view the world, how well our relationships progress to, sadly, how they end. The model of attachment influences how we each react to our needs and how we go about getting our needs met. Remember most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. Hence a great deal of your success in relationships–or lack thereof–can be explained by how you learned to relate to others throughout your childhood as well as later in life.

This is why learning about our attachment style can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities. It can also help us figure out why we struggle in our relationships. All our relationships (familial, professional, romantic, friendship) are all impacted by our attachment pattern. While your attachment style doesn’t necessary explain EVERYTHING about your relationships, it most likely explains a great deal about why your close relationships have succeeded or failed.

An attachment pattern is established in early childhood and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. It develops when we are young children with our attachment to our parents. The very nature of this attachment, and how well it is fostered and cared for, will then influence the nature our attachment later in life. Often if a person has a difficult relationship with one of their parents and never works through this, they will struggle with their relationships. How you give and receive love is greatly shaped and influenced by one or two critical people in your life: your parents.

Attachment theory began in the 1960s. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth studied interactions between caregivers and their child. (Anyone who has studied human development or early childhood education certainly studied Bowlby and Ainsworth). These researchers found that the nature in which infants get their needs met by their parents significantly contributes to their attachment “strategy” and later studies showed how our attachment styles are reflected in our adult relationships. How emotionally available your parents were influenced the type of attachment we form with them.

There are 4 attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant.

-People with a secure attachment stye are comfortable discussing their feelings, showing affection, and display a high level of self-confidence. These people are capable of accepting rejection and moving on but are also capable of being loyal and self-sacrificing. They are trustworthy and capable of trusting others they are close to. Secure people are comfortable being themselves, talking about what is upsetting them, and won’t worry about their partner leaving them. Secure people can offer support to their partner and tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. If you can see yourself clearly, stayed grounded, and talk through difficult things in an open manner without shutting down or getting emotionally flooded, you probably have a secure attachment style.

-People with a more anxious attachment style have more trouble trusting people, need constant reassurance, and have trouble being alone. They often fall into unhealthy or even abusive relationships. These people often look to their partner to complete or rescue them. Anxious types have more trouble forgiving, trusting people, and maintaining relationships. Their behavioral can be overly emotional, erratic, and irrational. They are the ones who will complain about their partner and probably burst into tears while doing it.

-People with avoidant attachment styles are self-directed, independent, and sometimes uncomfortable with intimacy. They often fear people are trying to control them and will distance themselves from their partner. Avoidants often design their life in a way to avoid too much intimate contact or commitment. These people prefer to keep to themselves, do not like to talk about their feelings, and don’t give their partner the chance to let them down. These people often respond to intimacy by feeling anxious, helpless, or distrustful.

-People who are anxious-avoidant are not only afraid of commitment and intimacy, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions preferring to suppress them. They can have emotional outbursts when under stress. These people tend to find it very hard to be vulnerable with others.

I copied and pasted a link to discover both your attachment style and your partner’s.

Compatibility Quiz

From a developmental perspective, inconsistent parenting in childhood makes it difficult to make sense of the parent’s behavior. This is what leads to issues with developing a secure attachment. A child doesn’t understand why their parent is behaving in a certain manner. If a child lacks stability and cannot predict the future, then the child can’t feel secure. Hence why people who grew up in chaotic environments tend to struggle with attachment. Our attachment style affects how we experience ourselves, and in turn, how we are in relationships.

As a counselor, I often see attachment theory come to the forefront of sessions. Many people come into counseling because they are having a problem with an important relationship in their life. A person who is having chronic difficulties in their relationships in all likelihood does not have a secure attachment style OR is dealing with a person who is not secure themselves.

People with insecure attachment styles can be either anxious or avoidant or anxious-avoidant, but in a sense people with insecure attachment styles all have the same baseline starting point— they’re all very sensitive to attachment issues in the relationship and they’re not good at expressing their feelings and communicating.

As a clinician, I see a lot of preoccupied attachment style. A person who has a preoccupied attachment style works really hard to understand why THE OTHER PERSON did this, why it happened, etc. I find this to be particularly true of our romantic relationships. My client may think if they understand the why of what their ex did, they will be able to feel better or move on. The problem with this line of reasoning is what happens in our relationships with other people often involves people who have their OWN internal struggles and issues they may or may not be conscious of. I tell clients if you are trying to make sense of someone else’s behavior you are ASSUMING they are acting RATIONALLY and with CONSCIOUS intent. This is a bit of stretch as it is very common for people to act unconsciously especially in the throes of conflict or under stress.

It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is the other person’s response–whether they are concerned about your well-being, have your best interests in mind, and are willing to work on things.

We have to keep in mind, the human brain does its best to understand the world by putting things in well-defined categories and this includes the people in our lives. We like to be able to predict the behavior of others (this is all a subconscious process).

Part of this process, it is scanning our environment for threat cues. If we detect a threat, we go into overdrive seeing whatever threats are out in our external environment. If it cannot justify what is going on in the present to justify the level of upset being experienced, the brain will start scanning our memories INCLUDING OUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES. Every memory that comes up often triggers other memories associated with it. This is why often when we are triggered by someone, they may remind us of someone from our past.

Often, we cannot make sense out of our pain and the reason we are so hurt by a certain person. This is where exploring your attachment style can help to give you answers. THE TRUTH IS YOU CANNOT MAKE SENSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOR. AND OFTEN WE OURSELVES MAY BE NOT BE THINKING RATIONALLY. Attachment theory gives understanding to why so much dysfunction plays out in relationships. It also explains why we may have developed some dysfunctional patterns of relating to others.

My goal for all my clients is for them to be able to regulate their own emotions, without the constant reassurance, of another person. To be securely attached it to be able to manage all the relationships in your life, including the one with yourself, in a healthy way. Everyone should aim to be securely attached: to think clearly, to be authentic, and set strong boundaries.

Counseling can help to change maladaptive attachment patterns. Compassion is crucial when dealing with maladaptive attachment styles–you likely developed these habits to protect yourself as a child. First, you must become aware of your attachment style, challenge the fears and insecurities of your old model, and develop a new style for sustaining a loving, satisfying relationship–with yourself and others.

If you enjoyed this article and are interested in seeking counseling with me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/erin-doyle-theodorou-nutley-nj/243617

Theodorou therapy, LLC

590 Franklin Ave.

Nutley, NJ 07110

973-963-7485

[email protected]

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The Ultimate Guide To Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

For example, maybe you're the type of person who feels comfortable expressing their needs and emotions to their partner, confident in the responsiveness and support you'll receive. Or, perhaps you become visibly distressed when your partner doesn't answer your text messages immediately and find yourself flooding their phone with calls until you hear back. Maybe you're someone who has a hard time defining the relationship because you don't want to give up your sense of independence, despite liking your S.O. a lot.

• Carla Marie Manly, PhD , clinical psychologist, life fulfillment expert, and author of Date Smart , Joy From Fear , and Aging Joyfully
• Dina Wirick, PhD , clinical psychologist
• Erica Cramer, LCSW , psychotherapist
• Willow McGinty, LMHC , lead clinician at Thriveworks

These are all examples of attachment styles in action. Formed early in life based on your relationship dynamic with your primary caregivers, your attachment style is “the template for all intimate relationships,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD , author of Date Smart .

Understanding attachment styles in relationships can provide insight into your emotional needs, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms, as well as those of other key people in your life (including friends and coworkers , not just romantic partners). This deeper understanding of how you and others operate can help foster empathy and improve the quality of your connections, making it easier to navigate disagreements and build secure bonds.

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Below, you'll find a breakdown of the four attachment styles in relationships, how they develop, how to identify (and change) yours, and answers to other common FAQs.

• 01 the 4 different attachment styles
• 02 how attachment styles develop
• 03 how to identify your attachment style
• 04 how to change your attachment style
• 05 how attachment style affects compatibility
• 06 FAQs about attachment styles in relationships

4 attachment styles and how each one can impact a relationship

According to Dr. Manly, there are two main types of attachment styles: secure and insecure. The latter is further broken down into three subtypes: avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

1. Secure attachment style

A secure attachment style is characterized by feeling comfortable with emotional intimacy, having trust in your relationships, and being able to effectively balance independence and closeness. According to clinical psychologist Dina Wirick, PhD , secure attachment style is the type that allows someone to form healthy, long-lasting romantic relationships most easily. This isn’t to say people who are securely attached will have entirely smooth sailing when it comes to relationships, but they’ll have an easier time navigating rough waters without losing their sense of self or sabotaging the relationship.

“Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to be ‘rocks’ in a relationship.”  —Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist

What might this look like in practice? “Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to be ‘rocks’ in a relationship. They are generally self-aware, emotionally available, confident in their relationship abilities, and grounded, in addition to having high emotional intelligence ,” says Dr. Manly. They’re able to be intimate and vulnerable, and “struggles are usually overcome with focused honesty, compassion, and respect,” she adds.

Signs of secure attachment include setting and maintaining clear boundaries, navigating through conflict with empathy, and being able to bounce back from discouragements or setbacks. In turn, the positive effects of a secure attachment style on relationships include enhanced emotional intimacy, effective communication, increased trust, and the ability to navigate challenges collaboratively.

2. Avoidant attachment style

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay the significance of emotional intimacy, prioritize independence, and create distance in relationships as a means of maintaining autonomy. “Those with this style often seem to have strong self-esteem and a very independent streak, however their hyper-independence and strong defense mechanisms make it difficult to connect [with them] on an intimate level,” says Dr. Manly. They may be most comfortable in short-term or more superficial relationships, in which they can more easily avoid the deeper level of connection long-term relationships require.

By a similar token, people with an avoidant attachment style may also steer clear of addressing underlying tension or problems in a partnership. “These are people who are going to run from problems and who don’t want to communicate, and they may shut down instead of working through issues,” says therapist Willow McGinty, LMHC , lead clinician at Thriveworks .

To protect themselves from vulnerability, those with an avoidant attachment style often avoid disclosing personal feelings, holding on tightly to their sense of self-reliance in relationships. They may also engage in activities that distract from emotional intimacy or be hesitant to fully invest in close bonds. This could look like constantly prioritizing work over the relationship, avoiding deep conversations, or frequently seeking personal space and alone time.

As a result, the partners of people with avoidant attachment styles tend to feel neglected or frustrated. Because avoidant people may struggle to fully engage in the emotional aspects of a relationship, challenges can arise with building intimacy and trust.

3. Anxious attachment style

An anxious attachment style , which is sometimes referred to as an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, is characterized by seeking high levels of closeness and reassurance in relationships, often experiencing heightened anxiety about potential abandonment, and relying on constant external validation for a sense of security.

“The anxiously attached person feels deeply flawed but often elevates a partner to ‘perfect’ status,” Dr. Manly says. “Often hyper-dependent, the anxiously attached person can become angry or reactive if upset or unnerved.” Because they constantly seek closeness and may hold onto it tightly, they’re especially at risk of falling into codependent relationships .

Individuals with an anxious attachment style may face challenges in relationships as they often exhibit heightened sensitivity to any (real or perceived) threats of abandonment, leading them to frequently seek reassurance from their partner that they still like them and want to be in a relationship with them. This anxious anticipation can result in emotional ups and downs, difficulty trusting, and strain on the relationship as partners may feel overwhelmed by the constant need to validate and reassure.

4. Disorganized attachment style

A disorganized attachment style , sometimes called fearful-avoidant or unresolved attachment style, is characterized by exhibiting inconsistent and unpredictable patterns of behavior in relationships, often stemming from unresolved trauma or conflicting emotions toward caregivers.

“Although the person with a [disorganized] attachment style wants to be connected, they are also deeply fearful of being attached.” —Dr. Manly

According to Dr. Manly, people with disorganized attachment may feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells or don’t have a good handle on their emotional responses. They often want to be in relationships, she says, but have an unconscious fear of getting close to others—this vacillating can make it tough for a stable, safe relationship to take root and flourish. “Although the person with a [disorganized] attachment style wants to be connected, they are also deeply fearful of being attached, which can lead to toxic dynamics that prevent healthy connection,” says Dr. Manly.

In turn, the partners of people with disorganized attachment never quite know what they're going to get. “Those with a fearful-avoidant style often have low self-esteem and can sometimes show little respect for their partners,” says Dr. Manly. “Unpredictability and drama, both internal and external, are the hallmarks of the fearful-avoidant style.”

How attachment styles develop

Attachment theory , developed by psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth , suggests that the relationship between a child and their caregiver(s) plays a crucial role in shaping their ability to form bonds in adulthood, particularly in romantic relationships, and the ways in which they do so (aka attachment styles).

In particular, how your caregiver(s) in early childhood responded to your emotional cues—such as offering comfort when you were upset—affects how you learn to process and express emotions, thus influencing your behaviors in relationships. Throughout adolescence, your attachment style then takes shape based on those parental figures' ongoing responses to your emotional needs.

Psychotherapist Erica Cramer, LCSW , likens your attachment style to an internal GPS you develop over time for navigating interpersonal relationships. "It helps us determine which relationships we want to pursue and which ones we want to avoid," she says. "When we reach a crossroads in a relationship, [our attachment style] also enables us to decide which direction to turn and the best way to move forward."

Assessing your attachment style

Your behaviors may not fit neatly into the description of one attachment style and may be a blend of two or more types, according to Dr. Manly, who also says that certain relationships or partners can bring out certain behaviors associated with one style, and mute the ones associated with others.

If you’re curious to learn which attachment style you may have, you can take an online attachment style test and ask yourself some questions related to the different styles—but these methods lack the level of detail and scientific validity necessary to make an accurate determination. A psychologist or therapist who specializes in relationships or emotion-focused therapy is your best bet for getting a clear idea of which attachment style you have, says Dr. Wirick.

To begin to get a sense of how you operate in relationships, though, engaging in self-reflection is a great place to start. Take the time to reflect on your emotional responses, tendencies, and relationship dynamics. Consider your reactions to intimacy and vulnerability, and explore how these may align with one or more of the different attachment styles above.

Also evaluate any patterns in your interactions with others, such as in the way you communicate in intimate settings or respond to conflict. Recognizing these recurring tendencies can offer valuable insights into your attachment style and its impact on your connections with others.

Changing your attachment style

A beautiful aspect of attachment style is that those who did not have a secure attachment style growing up can develop it with concerted, mindful effort, Dr. Manly says.

In particular, inner child or inner teenager healing (aka reparenting) can go a long way toward growing into a securely attached person, says McGinty. In fact, exhibiting behaviors of a secure attachment style is a sign that your inner child is healing .

Depending on what you've experienced in childhood, you may need professional help from a therapist or psychologist to change your attachment style . A clinician can help you work on whatever issues may be keeping you from forming healthy, loving attachments to others, like trust issues or insecurity.

Building up your self-worth, independence, emotional regulation, and self-esteem can be helpful in this regard, too. So can entering into relationships with securely attached people from whom you can learn and grow. Just keep in mind that your psyche is a constant project—secure attachment is a practice, not a fixed state of being.

How attachment styles may affect romantic compatibility

Beyond shedding light on how you relate to others, understanding attachment styles can help you in the romance department by allowing you to intuit how your partner may relate or respond to you. “If you know what makes your partner tick, it will be easier for you to meet their needs and expectations of your relationship,” says Cramer.

Dr. Wirick says secure attachers are usually able to establish a healthy relationship with anyone, though it can be difficult to form a long-term relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style because they have the most trouble committing and opening up, she says.

Cramer notes that anxious and avoidant people often wind up dating one another , but the relationship tends to end poorly, because the anxious person clings to the avoidant person, and the avoidant person runs away. Two avoidant people may also struggle in a partnership due to mutual fears of intimacy and commitment. Two anxious people, though, are capable of a more seamlessly successful relationship so long as they're able to help keep each other’s anxiety at a manageable level, she adds.

FAQs About Attachment Styles in Relationships

What is the best attachment style for couples.

Healthy, long-lasting relationships are built on trust and intimacy, which are typically easiest to access for those with a secure attachment style. “When a secure attachment style is in force, an individual is able to engage in romantic relationships in a positive, grounded way,” says Dr. Manly.

On the other hand, relationships where at least one person has an insecure attachment style may be tougher to maintain “due to the lack of internal stability, self-attunement, and attunement to others,” she says.

What is the most common attachment style?

Although we tend to focus on the more challenging attachment styles, Dr. Manly says the most common attachment style is secure attachment. On the flip side, she says the least common attachment style is disorganized or fearful-avoidant.

Which attachment style is toxic in a relationship?

Any insecure attachment style can create a toxic relationship dynamic, says McGinty, and is more likely to do so than a secure attachment style. “In some cases, an avoidant person will unconsciously engage in toxic push-away behaviors to retain emotional distance,” says Dr. Manly. Meanwhile, she says, “an anxious person may become very volatile, jealous, and clingy when triggered, creating a great deal of turmoil in the relationship.”

McGinty notes that those with a disorganized attachment style may act in extremely unpredictable ways due to their fear-based mentality. “Their ongoing inner turmoil and mixed messages can create havoc in interpersonal relationships,” she says.

In any case, the first step toward resolving the kinds of toxic relationship behaviors caused by attachment styles is to better understand the basis of each attachment style and how they can show up in relationships. This kind of awareness of self and others can serve as a powerful tool for personal growth in relationships and beyond.

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• Attachment Styles
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Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships

Published on July 2, 2020 Updated on July 29, 2023

Attachment styles and the roles they play in relationships is a wide spread topic of interest, both in research and in peoples’ personal drives to understand their patterns of thoughts and behaviors. This level of interest is entirely understandable as the different attachment styles in relationships can impact interpersonal interactions in unique ways.

Attachment types develop early in life and often remain stable over time. However, this does not mean that they cannot be changed into more secure forms of attachment–it just means that you may need to develop self-awareness through understanding and resolving attachment issues . The first step of this process is to learn how insecure attachment develops and influences thoughts and actions within the important relationships in our lives.

How Insecure Attachment Creates Negative Patterns in Relationships

Have you wondered why you keep ending up in the same maladaptive relationship situations, even with different partners? Perhaps jealousy and clinginess are frequent behaviors for you, or maybe you’re prone to withdrawing from a relationship once it becomes too emotionally intimate?

If you have noticed a pattern of negative and emotionally challenging behaviors in your love life, you might benefit from digging deep and exploring the way you attach to people in intimate relationships . Understanding what attachment styles are and the basics of attachment theory is an important factor in this process.

Do you know your attachment style? Take our attachment quiz and find out now – fast, easy, free.

What are attachment styles and how do they affect our relationships.

According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby , one’s bond with their primary caregivers during childhood has an overarching influence on their future social and intimate relationships–and even their relationships at work . In other words, this early bond creates a template or rules for how you build and interpret relationships as an adult.

Bowlby’s work on attachment theory dates back to the 1950s and continues to evolve due to the continuous research based on the subject. Based on attachment theory, 4 attachment styles were identified. 

The four attachment styles

• Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
• Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
• Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)

From an evolutionary perspective, cultivating strong relationships and maintaining them has both survival and reproductive advantages. For this reason, Bowlby’s work focused on the human desire to seek contact, love, support, and comfort in others–the innate “need to belong” and how it is one of the main driving forces behind individuals’ actions.

Yet, despite our need to belong, love and relationships are rarely as perfect and problem-free as we would like them to be, and many interpersonal problems can be traced back to the issues associated with our types of attachment styles.

Before getting into the defining characteristics of the four attachment styles, it might be useful to understand how attachment types develop in children.

How Attachment types Develop in Childhood

In essence, how a primary caregiver (usually parents) acts towards and meets their child’s needs forms the foundations for how the child perceives and acts within close relationships.

The reason for this is that a child is dependent on their caregivers and seeks comfort, soothing, and support from them. If these caregivers offer a warm and caring environment, and are attuned to the child’s physical and emotional needs–even when these needs are not clearly expressed–the child becomes securely attached.

On the other hand, misattunement on behalf of caregivers towards their child’s physical and emotional needs is likely to lead to insecure attachment. It may be worth noting that caregiver misattunement may not be intentional, but the child still perceives them as not meeting their needs.

Which attachment style do you have? Take our free quiz now to find out!

Each of the 4 attachment styles has its own typical traits and characteristics. Yet, a person may not necessarily 100% fit into a single category; attachment is a spectrum and you may not match “the profile” of a specific style exactly.

However, the aim of self-awareness is to identify unhealthy behaviors and understand what you might need to work on in order to improve your love life–which understanding traits of each attachment type and how they develop can facilitate.

How does each of the four attachment types manifest in adults?

1. Anxious / Preoccupied

Adults with an anxious attachment style tend to have a negative self-view, but a positive view of others. This means that they may view their partner as their literal “better half.” Because someone with this attachment style deems themselves to be less worthy of love in comparison to other people, the thought of living without their partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. In other words, they deeply fear abandonment.

To ease this fear of abandonment , people with the anxious attachment style strongly desire security within relationships, and attention, care, and responsiveness from a partner tends to be the “remedy” for their feelings of anxiety.

On the other hand, the perceived absence of support and intimacy can lead someone with the anxious attachment style to become more clinging and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for reassurance that they are loved.

In a nutshell, people with this attachment style value their relationships highly, but are often hypervigilant towards threats to their security, as well as anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are.

Want to know more about anxious attachment? Explore this attachment style by topic:

• Anxious Attachment in relationships guide
• Anxious Ambivalent Attachment (how anxious attachment develops in childhood)
• Self-regulation tips for anxious attachment (know your triggers and how to manage them)
• Attachment in the workplace
• The superpowers of adults with anxious attachment

2. Avoidant / Dismissive

People with the avoidant/dismissive attachment style tend to have a positive self-view and negative one of others. Consequently, they prefer to foster a high sense of independence and self-sufficiency–especially on an emotional level.

Someone with the avoidant attachment style tends to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete: They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.

Adults with this attachment style generally avoid intimacy or emotional closeness, so may withdraw from a relationship if they feel like the other person is becoming reliant on them in this manner. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.

Want to know more about avoidant attachment? Explore this attachment style by topic:

• Self-regulation tips for avoidant attachment (know your triggers and how to manage them)
• Avoidant attachment and dating
• Avoidant attachment style and relationships
• The superpowers of adults with avoidant attachment

3. Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant

People with the disorganized attachment style tend to vacillate between the traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment depending on their mood and circumstances. For this reason, someone with this attachment style tends to show confusing and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds.

For adults with disorganized attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. On the one hand, fearful-avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but on the other hand, experience troubles trusting and depending on others.

People with this attachment style often struggle with identifying and regulating their emotions and tend to avoid strong emotional attachment due to their intense fear of getting hurt.

Want to know more about disorganized attachment? Explore this attachment style by topic:

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (how disorganized attachment develops in childhood)
• Self-regulation tips for adults with disorganized attachment
• Attachment in the bedroom
• The superpowers of disorganized attachment

4. Secure Attachment

The three attachment styles covered so far (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) are insecure attachment styles, so they are characterized by difficulties with cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships.

In contrast, the secure attachment style implies that a person is comfortable expressing emotions openly. Therefore, adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners and, in turn, let their partners rely on them.

Relationships with someone with a secure attachment style are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. Although someone with this attachment style often thrives in their relationships, they also don’t fear being on their own. Secure attachers tend to have a positive view of themselves and others, so they do not overly seek external approval or validation–they can successfully identify and regulate their emotions, and even help a partner do so with theirs.

Want to know more about secure attachment? Explore this attachment style by topic:

• Secure Attachment in childhood (the five conditions required)

Where do you stand?

Now that you are acquainted with the four adult attachment styles, you probably have an idea of which one your actions and beliefs lean towards.

Although it is completely normal to recognize features of one or more types of attachment in your history of romantic relationships, it’s important to remember that attachment types can change with major life events, or even with different partners.

For example, an insecurely attached individual could form a secure bond when they have a securely attached partner. On the other hand, it’s also possible for someone with a secure attachment style to develop unhealthy relationship behaviors after experiencing trauma or losing a loved one. So, many people do not “fit” completely into one specific profile.

When to Worry About Your Attachment Style?

Chances are that many of us don’t fully identify with the traits of secure attachment. Even if we think we have stable relationships, there might be patterns in our behavior that keep bothering us or making us stressed or unhappy. Unfortunately, some of us will recognize ourselves in the traits of one of the three insecure attachment types. 

If you identify with one of the insecure attachment styles in relationships, it is highly recommended that you actively address the issue through increasing self-awareness, working on self-development, and if necessary, seeking psychological help. If left unaddressed, strongly expressed insecure and unstable attachment types can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

Here’s the thing: Struggling is simply not necessary, as there are many ways to heal and recover from attachment disturbances.

• Tired of struggling in relationship after relationship?
• Clingy or needy towards a partner?
• Struggling to regulate negative emotions?
• Shut down to expressions of intimacy and affection?
• Feeling unworthy of love and attention?
• Fed up with anxiety over whether your partner loves you in return?

Ready to learn how to tolerate emotional intimacy and start trusting and relying on people?

Working with a therapist on patterns of insecure behaviors would potentially be the most beneficial way to earn secure attachment . However, many people are not able to avail of one-to-one services due to financial, time, or personal constraints. For this reason, we developed Attachment Styles Workbooks and an Emotions & Self Growth Guide to help you overcome attachment insecurity.

Attachment security doesn’t have to be a distant dream or unachieveable wish: You can achieve a secure attachment style through psychoeducation, self-awareness, and self-growth. We at The Attachment Project are here to support you on this journey.

If you prefer to go the route of a workbook, we recently released our first series of attachment style digital workbooks.

Attachment Style Digital Workbooks

If you’d like to use attachment theory to build better and more secure relationships with everyone around you, our workbooks are the perfect place to start!

Empower Your Instagram Feed

Want to learn more about attachment theory? We’re here to help you make sense of your attachment style in various contexts of your life. Follow The Attachment Project on Instagram.  

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Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117 (3), 497-529.

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change . Guilford Press.

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What is attachment?

Attachment styles and how they shape adult relationships, secure attachment style: what it looks like, anxious or ambivalent attachment style, avoidant-dismissive attachment style, disorganized/disoriented attachment style, causes of insecure attachment, getting help for insecure attachment, attachment styles and how they affect adult relationships.

Struggling with relationship problems? The cause may be the attachment style you developed with your primary caregiver as an infant. By understanding insecure attachment styles such as anxious attachment, you can build stronger, healthier connections.

Attachment, or the attachment bond, is the emotional connection you formed as an infant with your primary caregiver—probably your mother. According to attachment theory , pioneered by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, the quality of the bonding you experienced during this first relationship often determines how well you relate to other people and respond to intimacy throughout life.

If your primary caretaker made you feel safe and understood as an infant, if they were able to respond to your cries and accurately interpret your changing physical and emotional needs, then you likely developed a successful, secure attachment. As an adult, that usually translates to being self-confident, trusting, and hopeful, with an ability to healthily manage conflict, respond to intimacy, and navigate the ups and downs of romantic relationships.

If you experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication during infancy, though, if your caregiver was unable to consistently comfort you or respond to your needs, you’re more likely to have experienced an unsuccessful or insecure attachment. Infants with insecure attachment often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others, limiting their ability to build or maintain stable relationships. They may find it difficult to connect to others, shy away from intimacy, or be too clingy, fearful, or anxious in a relationship.

Of course, experiences that occur between infancy and adulthood can also impact and shape our relationships. However, the infant brain is so profoundly influenced by the attachment bond, understanding your attachment style can offer vital clues as to why you may be having problems in your adult relationships. Perhaps you behave in puzzling or self-destructive ways when you’re in a close relationship? Maybe you repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over? Or maybe you struggle to form meaningful connections in the first place?

[Read: What is Secure Attachment and Bonding?]

Whatever your specific relationship problems, it’s important to know that your brain remains capable of change throughout life. By identifying your attachment style, you can learn to challenge your insecurities, develop a more securely attached way of relating to others, and build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.

Attachment styles or types are characterized by the behavior exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened. For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems. Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, may tend to become needy or clingy in their closest relationships, behave in selfish or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply shy away from intimacy altogether.

Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behavior, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy. Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome problems.

While attachment styles are largely shaped by the infant-primary caregiver connection, especially during the first year, it’s important to note that the strength of attachment is not based solely on the level of parental love or the quality of care an infant receives. Rather, attachment is founded on the nonverbal emotional communication developed between caregiver and infant.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

An infant communicates their feelings by sending nonverbal signals such as crying, cooing, or later pointing and smiling. In return, the caregiver reads and interprets these cues, responding to satisfy the child’s need for food, comfort, or affection. When this nonverbal communication is successful, a secure attachment develops.

The success of attachment isn’t impacted by socio-economic factors such as wealth, education, ethnicity, or culture. Neither is having an insecure attachment style as an adult reason to blame all your relationship problems onto your parent. Your personality and intervening experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life can also play a role in shaping your attachment style.

The different attachment styles

Beyond categorizing attachment as secure or insecure, there are three subsets of insecure attachment which give us the four main attachment styles:

• Secure attachment
• Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment
• Avoidant-dismissive attachment
• Disorganized attachment

Empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries, people with secure attachment tend to feel safe, stable, and more satisfied in their close relationships. While they don’t fear being on their own, they usually thrive in close, meaningful relationships.

How secure attachment style affects adult relationships

Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you don’t experience relationship problems. But you likely feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes and failings, and are willing to seek help and support when you need it.

• You appreciate your own self-worth and you’re able to be yourself in an intimate relationship. You’re comfortable expressing your feelings, hopes, and needs.
• You find satisfaction in being with others, openly seek support and comfort from your partner, but don’t get overly anxious when the two of you are apart.
• You’re similarly happy for your partner to rely on you for support.
• You’re able to maintain your emotional balance and seek healthy ways to manage conflict in a close relationship.
• When faced with disappointment, setbacks, and misfortune in your relationships as well as other parts of your life, you’re resilient enough to bounce back.

Primary caregiver relationship

As someone with a secure attachment style, it’s likely your primary caretaker was able to stay engaged with you as an infant and effectively manage their own stress as well as calm and soothe you when you were distressed. They made you feel safe and secure, communicated through emotion, and responded to your changing needs on a regular basis, enabling your nervous system to become “securely attached.”

Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect and no one can be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. In fact, that’s not necessary to establish secure attachment in a child. But when your caregiver missed your nonverbal cues, it’s likely they continued trying to figure out what you needed, keeping the secure attachment process on track.

The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enabled you as a child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict.

Secure or insecure?

Some people may identify with some but not all of the characteristics of secure attachment. Even if your relationships tend to be stable, it’s possible that you have specific patterns of behavior or thinking that cause conflict with your partner and need to be actively addressed. Start by seeing if you relate to any aspects of the following three insecure attachment styles.

People with an anxious or ambivalent attachment style (also referred to as “anxious-preoccupied,” “ambivalent-anxious,” or simply “anxious-ambivalent”) tend to be overly needy. As the labels suggest, people with this attachment style are often anxious and uncertain, lacking in self-esteem. They crave emotional intimacy but worry that others don’t want to be with them.

How anxious attachment style affects adult relationships

If you have an anxious or ambivalent attachment style, you may be embarrassed about being too clingy or your constant need for love and attention. Or you may feel worn down by fear and anxiety about whether your partner really loves you.

• You want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant other, but you struggle to feel that you can trust or fully rely on your partner.
• Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and you become overly fixated on the other person.
• You may find it difficult to observe boundaries, viewing space between you as a threat, something that can provoke panic, anger, or fear that your partner no longer wants you.
• A lot of your sense of self-worth rests on how you feel you’re being treated in the relationship and you tend to overreact to any perceived threats to the relationship.
• You feel anxious or jealous when away from your partner and may use guilt, controlling behavior, or other manipulative tactics to keep them close.
• You need constant reassurance and lots of attention from your partner.
• Others may criticize you for being too needy or clingy and you may struggle to maintain close relationships.

It’s likely your parent or primary caregiver was inconsistent in their parenting style, sometimes engaged and responsive to your needs as an infant, other times unavailable or distracted. This inconsistency may have left you feeling anxious and uncertain about whether your needs in this “first” relationship would be met, and thus provide a model for your behavior in later relationships.

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Adults with an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are the opposite of those who are ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied. Instead of craving intimacy, they’re so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.

How avoidant attachment style affects adult relationships

As someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, you tend to find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy. You value your independence and freedom to the point where you can feel uncomfortable with, even stifled by, intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship.

• You’re an independent person, content to care for yourself and don’t feel you need others.
• The more someone tries to get close to you or the needier a partner becomes, the more you tend to withdraw.
• You’re uncomfortable with your emotions and partners often accuse you of being distant and closed off, rigid and intolerant. In return, you accuse them of being too needy.
• You’re prone to minimize or disregard your partner’s feelings, keep secrets from them, engage in affairs, and even end relationships in order to regain your sense of freedom.
• You may prefer fleeting, casual relationships to long-term intimate ones, or you seek out partners who are equally independent, ones who’ll keep their distance emotionally.
• While you may think you don’t need close relationships or intimacy, the truth is we all do. Humans are hardwired for connection and deep down, even someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style wants a close meaningful relationship—if only they could overcome their deep-seated fears of intimacy.

An avoidant-dismissive attachment style often stems from a parent who was unavailable or rejecting during your infancy. Since your needs were never regularly or predictably met by your caregiver, you were forced to distance yourself emotionally and try to self-soothe. This built a foundation of avoiding intimacy and craving independence in later life—even when that independence and lack of intimacy causes its own distress.

Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.

How disorganized attachment style affects adult relationships

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you’ve likely never learned to self-soothe your emotions, so both relationships and the world around you can feel frightening and unsafe. If you experienced abuse as a child, you may try to replicate the same abusive patterns of behavior as an adult.

• You probably find intimate relationships confusing and unsettling, often swinging between emotional extremes of love and hate for a partner.
• You may be insensitive towards your partner, selfish, controlling, and untrusting, which can lead to explosive or even abusive behavior. And you can be just as hard on yourself as you are on others.
• You may exhibit antisocial or negative behavior patterns , abuse alcohol or drugs, or prone to aggression or violence.
• Others may despair at your refusal to take responsibility for your actions.
• While you crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, you also feel unworthy of love and terrified of getting hurt again.
• Your childhood may have been shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma.

If your primary caregiver was dealing with unresolved trauma themselves, it can lead to the intense fear associated with a disorganized/disoriented attachment style. Often the parent acted as both a source of fear and comfort for you as an infant, triggering the confusion and disorientation you feel about relationships now. In other cases, your parental figure may have ignored or overlooked your needs as an infant, or their erratic, chaotic behavior could have been frightening or traumatizing to you.

There are many reasons why even a loving, conscientious parent may not be successful at creating a secure attachment bond with an infant. The causes of your insecure attachment could include:

Having a young or inexperienced caregiver , lacking in the necessary parenting skills.

Your caregiver experienced depression caused by isolation, lack of social support, or hormonal problems, for example, forcing them to withdraw from the caregiving role.

Your primary caregiver’s addiction to alcohol or other drugs reduced their ability to accurately interpret or respond to your physical or emotional needs.

Traumatic experiences , such as a serious illness or accident which interrupted the attachment process.

Physical neglect , such as poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, or neglect of medical issues.

Emotional neglect or abuse . For example, your caregiver paid little attention to you as a child, made scant effort to understand your feelings, or engaged in verbal abuse.

Physical or sexual abuse , whether physical injury or violation.

Separation from your primary caregiver due to illness, death, divorce, or adoption.

Inconsistency in the primary caregiver . You experienced a succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers, for example.

Frequent moves or placements . For example, you constantly changed environment due to spending your early years in orphanages or moving between foster homes.

If you recognize an insecure attachment style in either yourself or your romantic partner, it’s important to know that you don’t have to resign yourselves to enduring the same attitudes, expectations, or patterns of behavior throughout life. It is possible to change and you can develop a more secure attachment style as an adult.

Therapy can be invaluable, whether it’s working one-on-one with a therapist or with your current partner in couples counselling. A therapist experienced in attachment theory can help you make sense of your past emotional experience and become more secure, either on your own or as a couple. If traditional therapy is not easily accessible to you, consider online counseling , which is available for both individuals and couples.

[Read: Finding a Therapist to Help You Heal]

If you don’t have access to appropriate therapy, there are still plenty of things you can do on your own to build a more secure attachment style. To start, learn all you can about your insecure attachment style. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize—and correct—the reflexive attitudes and behaviors of insecure attachment that may be contributing to your relationship problems.

The following tips can also help you transition to a more secure attachment style:

1. Improve your nonverbal communication skills

One of the most important lessons gleaned from attachment theory is that adult relationships, just like the first relationship you have with your primary caregiver, depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication.

Even though you may not be aware of it, when you interact with others, you continuously give and receive wordless signals via the gestures you make, your posture, how much eye contact you make and the like. These nonverbal cues send strong messages about what you really feel.

At any age, developing how well you read, interpret, and communicate nonverbally can help improve and deepen your relationships with other people. You can learn to improve these skills by being present in the moment, learning to manage stress, and developing your emotional awareness.

2. Boost your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to empathize with your partner, communicate more effectively, and deal with conflict in a healthier way.

As well as helping to improve how well you read and use nonverbal communication, building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a romantic relationship. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’ll be better able to express your needs and feelings to your partner, as well as understand how your partner is really feeling, too.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)]

3. Develop relationships with people who are securely attached

Being in a relationship with another person who also has an insecure attachment style can make for a union that’s out of sync at best, rocky, confusing, or even painful at worst. While you can work through your insecurities together as a couple, if you’re single it can help to look for a partner with a secure attachment style to help shift you away from the negative patterns of thinking and behaving.

A strong, supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved can play an important part in building your sense of security. Estimates vary, but research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, so there’s a good chance of finding a romantic partner who can help you overcome your insecurities. Similarly, developing strong friendships with these individuals can also help you recognize and adopt new patterns of behavior.

[Read: Dating Tips for Finding the Right Person]

4. Resolve any childhood trauma

As discussed above, experiencing trauma as an infant or young child can interrupt the attachment and bonding process. Childhood trauma can result from anything that impacts your sense of safety, such as an unsafe or unstable home environment, separation from your primary caregiver, serious illness, neglect, or abuse. When childhood trauma is not resolved, feelings of insecurity, fear, and helplessness can continue into adulthood.

Even if your trauma happened many years ago, there are steps you can take to overcome the pain, regain your emotional balance, and learn to trust and connect in relationships again.

[Read: Emotional and Psychological Trauma]

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Secure Attachment Style Relationships & How to Form

Research Assistant at Carleton University

Undergraduate Psychology & Neuroscience

Misha Jan is a psychology and neuroscience student at Carleton University and works as a research assistant at The Royal Mental Health Hospital.

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Saul Mcleod, PhD

Editor-in-Chief for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester

Saul Mcleod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

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Associate Editor for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education

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On This Page:

An attachment style describes how people relate to others based on how secure they feel. Secure attachment is characterized by feelings of trust and safety in relationships.

Secure attachment refers to a bond where individuals feel safe, supported, and connected, enabling them to express emotions freely, seek comfort from their partner, and confidently explore their environment knowing they have a reliable base to return to.

Key Takeaways

• An individual with a secure attachment style exhibits a consistent, interdependent, and confident style of relating in a relationship.
• Children who are securely attached feel safe and supported by their caregivers. Securely attached adults are capable of forming lasting relationships.
• The attachment style you develop in early childhood is thought to have a lifelong influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs, how you respond to conflict, and how you form expectations about your relationships.
• Although the attachment style you were raised with does not explain everything about your relationships and who you become as an adult, understanding your style may help explain patterns you notice in relationships.
• Secure attachment is essential for fostering healthy childhood development and adult relationships.
• Securely attached individuals maintain a healthy balance of relying on their partner and meeting their own needs. Due to this balance, they can create deeper intimacy through vulnerability while maintaining their individuality.
• Secure attachments with caregivers are believed to be essential for healthy development. It is considered that about 50% of the population has a secure attachment style, while the rest fall into one of the insecure categories (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized).

Signs in children

Infants with a secure attachment hold an internal model of the world as a safe place and a model of others as being kind and reliable.

Children with a secure attachment, having been regulated by their caregiver in times of stress, develop skills to self-regulate their social, emotional, and cognitive behaviors.

In addition, securely attached children show balanced behavioral strategies, expressing their need for both intimacy and autonomy. Autonomy is particularly significant as it facilitates interaction with the environment.

Early signs can depict if a child is developing into a securely attached adult. These signs include:

• Positive response to the return of parents
• Comfortably interacts with others
• Comfortably explores and plays in new areas
• Prefers parents over strangers
• Seeks comfort from parents

Securely attached children use the caregiver as a secure base with which to explore their social world and a safe haven to turn to during times of distress.

For a child to develop a secure attachment, they need to be raised in an environment where they feel protected and seen by their caregivers.

If a caregiver is not responsive to a child’s needs, the child may not be able to form a secure and stable bond.

How to raise a securely attached child

If a child is brought up in a nurturing and supportive environment where caregivers are responsive to the child’s needs, a secure bond is formed.

However, if a child perceives that their needs are not met, the child is not able to build a secure and stable bond with their caregivers.

1. Be a secure base physically and emotionally

Attachment figures can be seen as a ‘secure base’ that infants use to explore their social world. The more assured the infant is in the availability of their attachment figure in times of stress, the more likely they will interact with others and their environment.

Caregivers who provide a secure base allow infants to become autonomous, inquisitive, and experimental. When around their caregiver, the child should feel assured that no harm will come to them. They should know they will be fed, kept warm, and protected.

The caregiver is the child’s barrier against harm, so letting them know they are protected and loved is important in making them feel safe.

The child should be allowed the chance to develop freedom while still getting reassurance from their caregiver that they are nearby if they need to check in with them.

2. Ensure they feel seen and understood

A child’s signal for attention, such as crying, is their way of letting the caregiver know they require a need to be met. It is important that the caregiver reads these signals accurately and responds consistently.

If a caregiver is consistently responsive to the child’s needs appropriately, this lets the child know that when they need something, they can signal for it.

If the caregiver responds correctly, most of the time, the child should understand that their world is reliable and they can have some control over it.

Interactional synchrony focuses on coordinating nonverbal behaviors during social interactions, while emotional attunement is about the empathetic understanding and response to another person’s emotions.

2.1. Interactional Synchrony

Interactional synchrony is a form of rhythmic interaction between infant and caregiver involving mutual focus, reciprocity, and mirroring of emotion or behavior. Infants coordinate their actions with caregivers in a kind of conversation.

From birth, babies move in a rhythm when interacting with an adult, almost as if they were taking turns. The infant and caregiver are able to anticipate how each other will behave and can elicit a particular response from the other.

Interactional synchrony is most likely to develop if the caregiver attends fully to the baby’s state, provides playful stimulation when the infant is alert and attentive, and avoids pushing things when an overexcited or tired infant is fussy and sending the message “Cool it. I just need a break from all this excitement”.

Interactional synchrony can facilitate emotional attunement, as coordinated nonverbal behaviors may help individuals better understand and connect with each other’s emotional states.

2.2. Emotional Attunement

Attunement is a subtle process in which the parent is “tuned in” to the child’s emotional needs.

A mom (or caregiver) needs to be good at noticing the tiny and quick changes in a baby’s emotions. She (or he) then has to show the baby through their facial expressions, voice tone, and body language that they understand those emotions and share the experience with the baby.

When things go smoothly, attunement helps a child feel truly understood, accepted, and supported by their mom or caregiver.

This experiment is still considered an important finding in the study of how babies develop.

But, no one can be perfect all the time, so sometimes there will be misunderstandings or mistakes (called “mis-attunement” or “relationship ruptures”).

These bumps in the road are normal, and they can even be good for the relationship between the child and caregiver if the caregiver is able to fix the problem the right way.

In fact, it’s believed that for a strong bond to develop, caregivers only need to get it right about one-third of the time , which is comforting to know!

Attuned responses

According to Daniel Stem (2018, p. 139.), professor of Psychiatry at Cornell University Medical Center, sensitive (‘attuned’) responses from a caregiver follow three steps:

• “First, the parent must be able to read the infant’s feeling state from the infant’s overt behavior.
• Second, the parent must perform some behavior that is not a strict imitation but nonetheless corresponds in some way to the infant’s overt behavior.
• Third, the infant must be able to read this corresponding parental response as having to do with the infant’s original feeling experience and not just imitating the infant’s behaviour”.

2.3. Mis-attunement

Many parent-child relationships have strong love but lack emotional attunement. In these non-attuned relationships, children may feel loved but not genuinely understood or appreciated for their true selves.

They often repress emotions or aspects of themselves that they perceive as unacceptable to their parents.

Research by Lynne Murray (1985) has demonstrated that even warm responses to infants are not regulating unless they are exactly timed with their cues.

In 1975, Edward Tronick and his team introduced the “Still Face Experiment” at a child development research conference.

They showed that when a baby interacts with their mom who’s not responding and has no facial expression for three minutes, the baby quickly becomes sad and cautious.

When the mother “fails to respond appropriately,” the infant rapidly sobers and grows wary. He makes repeated attempts to get the interaction into its usual reciprocal pattern. When these attempts fail, the infant withdraws [and] orients his face and body away from his mother with a withdrawn, hopeless facial expression (p.452).

Proximate separation

A child’s perception of being emotionally understood and connected with others is crucial. However, certain stressful circumstances can cause caregivers to be emotionally distant, even if physically present. This condition of being physically close but emotionally separated is called “proximate separation.”

Proximate separation can be as distressing to a child as physical separation. Examples include a parent breaking intense eye contact with a child or overstimulating a resting child. These interactions register on an unconscious physiological level, even if the child isn’t consciously aware of the emotional disconnection. Such experiences shape a child’s future personality and emotional development.

Research by Allan Schore (2001, 2008) suggests that these types of emotional disconnections can cause physiological stress levels in a child that are comparable to physical separations.

These early experiences of proximate separation can influence adult relationships, leading individuals to seek out partners who replicate these non-attuned dynamics, continuing a cycle of emotional misattunement into adulthood.

3. Be comforting

The child should know that if they seek comfort, they will receive it from their caregivers.

If the caregivers are there to help soothe the child’s distress, they learn to see this as normal. When they grow up, they can use their caregiver’s actions as the template for managing their distress.

4. Ensure they feel valued

Caregivers can value their children by expressing happiness and pride over who they are. Healthy self-esteem can develop as a baby, which translates into later life.

Displaying pride in a child early in life can make them realize that they are unconditionally valued for what they achieve.

5. Support the child to explore their world

A child should be supported to explore their world in a way that makes them feel secure. Caregivers should aim to reassure the child that they believe in their abilities but stay close by if something goes wrong.

Try not to be overbearing or constantly tell them what they should be doing. Instead, give gentle guidance if they get stuck and allow them to grow while watching from a safe distance.

In this way, the child should develop a sense of freedom to explore their world and increase their confidence in their own skills.

Limiting a child from exploration, being overprotective, or keeping them boxed in may lead to the development of an anxious attachment pattern. Children need to learn to explore independently and feel safe doing so.

The independence and individuality that comes from childhood exploration contribute to a secure attachment style into adulthood.

Signs in adults

John Bowlby argued that one’s sense of security as a child is critical to their attachment style as an adult.

Adult relationships are likely to reflect early attachment style because the experience a person has with their caregiver in childhood would lead to the expectation of the same experiences in later relationships.

How To Know If Someone Has A Secure Attachment Style

Securely attached adults hold both a positive working model of self and others and therefore are comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy.

Such individuals typically display openness regarding expressing emotions and thoughts with others and are comfortable with depending on others for help while also being comfortable with others depending on them (Cassidy, 1994).

Notably, many secure adults may, in fact, experience negative attachment-related events, yet they can objectively assess people and events and assign a positive value to relationships in general.

A secure partner has complete confidence that their partner is there for them. They can balance the act of giving and receiving in a relationship.

Because they are securely attached, they experience less relationship anxiety , fear, or doubt and can focus on being present for their partner. They are interdependent and maintain a positive view of their partner. 

Signs you are dating a person with a secure attachment

• They maintain a direct line of communication (you know where you stand with this person).
• They’re upfront about what they’re looking for in a partner and in a relationship.
• Comfortable with being vulnerable by sharing their emotions, experiences, fears, etc.
• Warm and empathetic.
• They make you feel safe and secure just by being around them.
• They’re able to be interdependent, meaning they’re ok on their own AND with others.
• Confident in expressing their affection.
• You feel you are able to get close to them emotionally AND physically.
• They talk of ex-partners with respect.
• They seem to view the world as a generally safe place and are able to trust others easily.
• Want their partner to have their own interests outside of the relationship.
• Respect their partner’s needs and boundaries (and also set their own).

Secure attachment sounds like…

“I’m sorry I reacted like that but I felt attacked. Can we talk about what happened? I want to make it right”

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I wasn’t right. I want us both to be happy & I acknowledge that it will take work.”

“I thought about what you said & want you to know that I hear you. I will try to help you meet your needs.”

“I know this is important but I don’t have the capacity to discuss it right now.”

Is it too late to form a secure attachment?

There appears to be a continuity between early attachment styles and the quality of later adult romantic relationships. This idea is based on the internal working model , where an infant’s primary attachment forms a model (template) for future relationships.

Attachment security, or the stability and trust one feels in interpersonal relationships, can be developed within a consistent and dependable relationship , but it’s generally believed that building this kind of security takes a significant amount of time.

During adulthood, new attachment bonds are formed, which may become a significant source of support during periods of distress, goal achievement, and exploration.

Romantic partners function as attachment figures and can become a source of comfort and felt security for the other member of the relationship.

Romantic relationships are likely to reflect early attachment style because the experience a person has with their caregiver in childhood would lead to the expectation of the same experiences in later relationships, such as friends and romantic partners.

However, other researchers have proposed that rather than a single internal working model, which is generalized across relationships, each type of relationship comprises a different working model.

This means a person could be insecurely attached to their parents but securely to a romantic partner or friend.

For example, the highest level internal working model comprises beliefs and expectations across all types of relationships, and lower level models hold general rules about specific relations, such as romantic or parental, underpinned by models specific to events within a relationship with a single person (Collins & Read, 1994; Main, Kaplan, & Cassidy, 1985).  

Navigating Relationships with Insecure Attachment: Steps for Personal Growth and Building Secure Bonds:

If you identify with having an insecure attachment style, it’s essential to recognize that you have the power to evolve and cultivate healthier relationships.

If you find yourself with an insecure attachment style, building close relationships with securely attached friends and romantic partners can play a pivotal role in your personal growth and emotional wellbeing. Securely attached individuals can offer:

Seek a Secure Base: Just as you need stability during childhood, it’s crucial to find or create emotionally stable environments as an adult.

This might mean surrounding yourself with reliable friends or seeking partners who provide consistent love and care. Prioritize relationships where you feel safe and valued.

Prioritize Feeling Seen and Understood: Foster open communication in your relationships. Express your needs and feelings and encourage your partner or friends to do the same. Mutual understanding is the foundation of a deep and fulfilling connection.

Foster Interactional Synchrony and Emotional Attunement:

Engaging with such individuals can not only enrich your interactions but also strengthen your bond, allowing you to experience a fulfilling connection.

When in the company of securely attached individuals, you’ll find it easier to recognize and reflect upon emotional shifts within yourself.

They can also guide you in understanding and resonating with the feelings of those around you, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

Can a secure person become anxious?

Yes, a secure person can become anxious due to traumatic experiences. For example, a secure person may encounter a relationship with a partner who gets very close and then withdraws or stonewalls their partner inconsistently. This type of unpredictability can be painful and lead to the secure person becoming anxious.

What are the main contributors to developing a secure attachment?

The major factors which lead to a secure attachment style are being raised by a caregiver who offers a safe base, room for exploration, and consistency. Secure attachment is maintained by fully healing and processing relationships before moving on to another person.

In conclusion, a secure attachment style is a healthy and balanced way of relating with oneself and others. They come naturally due to childhood conditioning or can be learned with psychological healing.

What is the influence of secure attachment on childhood friendships?

According to attachment theory, a child with a secure attachment style should be more confident in interactions with friends.

Considerable evidence has supported this view. For example, the Minnesota study (2005) followed participants from infancy to late adolescence and found continuity between early attachment and later emotional/social behavior.

Securely attached children were rated most highly for social competence later in childhood and were less isolated and more popular than insecurely attached children.

Hartup et al. (1993) argue that children with a secure attachment type are more popular at nursery and engage more in social interactions with other children. In contrast, insecurely attached children tend to rely more on teachers for interaction and emotional support.

Further Information

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1994). Attachment as an organizational framework for research on close relationships. Psychological inquiry, 5(1), 1-22.
• McCarthy, G. (1999). Attachment style and adult love relationships and friendships: A study of a group of women at risk of experiencing relationship difficulties. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 72(3), 305-321.
• Greater Good Magazine of Berkeley University of California. How to stop attachment insecurity from ruining your love life.
• BPS Article- Overrated: The predictive power of attachment
• How Attachment Style Changes Through Multiple Decades Of Life

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation . Lawrence Erlbaum.

Baldwin, M.W., & Fehr, B. (1995). On the instability of attachment style ratings. Personal Relationships, 2, 247-261.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L.M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61 (2), 226–244.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment . London: Hogarth Press.

Brazelton, T. B., Tronick, E., Adamson, L., Als, H., & Wise, S. (1975). Early mother-infant reciprocity.  Parent-infant interaction ,  33 (137-154), 122.

Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (p. 46–76). The Guilford Press.

Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21 (3), 267–283.

Bylsma, W. H., Cozzarelli, C., & Sumer, N. (1997). Relation between adult attachment styles and global self-esteem.  Basic and applied social psychology, 19 (1), 1-16.

Conrad, R., Forstner, A. J., Chung, M. L., Mücke, M., Geiser, F., Schumacher, J., & Carnehl, F. (2021). Significance of anger suppression and preoccupied attachment in social anxiety disorder: a cross-sectional study.  BMC psychiatry, 21 (1), 1-9.

Caron, A., Lafontaine, M., Bureau, J., Levesque, C., and Johnson, S.M. (2012). Comparisons of Close Relationships: An Evaluation of Relationship Quality and Patterns of Attachment to Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners in Young Adults. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 44 (4), 245-256.

Cassidy, J., & Berlin, L. J. (1994). The insecure/ambivalent pattern of attachment: Theory and research.  Child development ,  65 (4), 971-991.

Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1994). Cognitive representations of adult attachment: The structure and function of working models. In K. Bartholomew & D. Perlman (Eds.) Advances in personal relationships, Vol. 5: Attachment processes in adulthood (pp. 53-90). London: Jessica Kingsley.

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Hashworth, T., Reis, S., & Grenyer, B. F. (2021). Personal agency in borderline personality disorder: The impact of adult attachment style.  Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 2224.

Hartup, W. W. (1993). Adolescents and their friends.  New directions for child and adolescent development, 1993 (60), 3-22.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52 (3), 511–524.

Hoghughi, M., & Speight, A. N. P. (1998). Good enough parenting for all children—a strategy for a healthier society.  Archives of disease in childhood ,  78 (4), 293-296.

Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. In I. Bretherton & E. Waters (Eds.), Growing points of attachment theory and research. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50 (1-2), 66-104.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. W. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy . Ablex Publishing.

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Moghadam, M., Rezaei, F., Ghaderi, E., & Rostamian, N. (2016). Relationship between attachment styles and happiness in medical students. Journal of family medicine and primary care, 5 (3), 593–599.

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Schore, J. R., & Schore, A. N. (2008). Modern attachment theory: The central role of affect regulation in development and treatment.  Clinical social work journal ,  36 (1), 9-20.

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Overcoming Attachment Problems

It's possible to create enduring connections despite imperfect early bonds..

Posted March 16, 2024 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

• What Is Attachment?
• Find counselling to strengthen relationships

Attachment theory, initially developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, posits that bonds formed between children and their primary caregivers have profound effects on their emotional development and future relationships. Early interactions shape what is known as an individual's attachment style, a concept later expanded by researchers Mary Ainsworth and, later, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver to include adult relationships, particularly romantic ones. Understanding one's attachment style and that of their partner can offer insightful perspectives on the dynamics of long-term romantic partnerships.

The Four Attachment Styles

Attachment theory identifies four primary styles based on people's behaviors and attitudes towards relationships:

• Secure Attachment : Characterized by a positive view of the self and others, individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They tend to have stable and satisfying relationships.
• Anxious Attachment : Individuals with this style seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners, often feeling insecure about their relationships.
• Avoidant Attachment : People with an avoidant attachment style prioritize self-reliance and often seem indifferent towards getting close to others.
• Disorganized Attachment : Individuals with this style desire closeness but fear getting hurt, leading to mixed feelings about relationships.

Impact on Long-Term Romantic Partnerships

Securely attached individuals tend to have more fulfilling and enduring relationships. Research suggests that secure attachment predicts greater satisfaction in romantic relationships and attributes the effect to the ability of secure individuals to seek and provide support effectively, communicate openly, and negotiate conflicts constructively.

Conversely, anxious and avoidant attachment styles are often linked with relationship challenges. Anxious individuals' need for reassurance can strain partnerships, leading to cycles of clinginess and distancing. Meanwhile, avoidant individuals' reluctance to get close can create emotional distance. Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are associated with lower relationship satisfaction, stemming from difficulties in communication and emotional expression.

Disorganized attachment, a pattern characterized by inconsistency and unpredictability in relationships, can also impact romantic partnerships. Individuals with disorganized attachment often experience confusion and ambivalence about intimacy, oscillating between the desire for closeness and the fear of it. This attachment style can lead to turbulent and unstable relationships as partners struggle to understand and predict each other's needs and behaviors. Research suggests that disorganized attachment is linked with heightened relational conflict, a lack of cohesiveness, and difficulty maintaining long-term relationships due to erratic and often contradictory behaviors.

Despite the challenges presented by insecure attachment styles, there is evidence that individuals can experience growth and change in their attachment patterns through supportive and understanding relationships. Positive relationship experiences can help anxious and avoidant individuals develop greater security, improving relationship satisfaction and stability. For instance, a partner's consistent responsiveness and support can help an anxious individual feel more valued and secure. In contrast, an avoidant individual may gradually learn to trust and open up emotionally.

Although early experiences and the resultant attachment styles play a significant role in shaping our approach to relationships, they do not seal our fate. Human beings are remarkably adaptable, and with conscious effort and a willingness to understand both ourselves and our partners, it is possible to evolve towards more secure attachment behaviors.

Navigating Problematic Early Attachment

Effective communication plays a crucial role in navigating the complexities of attachment styles within relationships, serving as a bridge to fostering secure and healthy connections. By offering consistent support and reassurance, securely attached individuals can help an anxious partner feel more secure, thereby alleviating underlying insecurities. Likewise, those with avoidant partners can cultivate a sense of openness by honoring a partner's independence, while simultaneously encouraging a gradual development of intimacy.

Below are ten specific strategies individuals can employ to resolve attachment challenges and enrich their romantic connections:

• Self-Reflection : Begin with introspection to understand your attachment style and its origins. Acknowledging how your early experiences influence your current relationship behaviors is the first step toward change.
• Seek Therapy : Professional guidance from a therapist, especially one specializing in attachment theory, can provide personalized strategies for working through attachment issues and developing healthier relationship patterns.
• Communication Skills : Learn and practice effective communication techniques. Being able to express your needs, fears, and desires openly and constructively can help bridge gaps with your partner.
• Educate Yourself : Read books and articles on attachment theory to gain a deeper understanding of how attachment styles impact relationships. Knowledge is power, and understanding the theory can offer insights into your behaviors and needs.
• Build Emotional Intelligence : Work on becoming more aware of your emotions and those of your partner. Emotional intelligence can help you respond to situations more thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.
• Practice Vulnerability : Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner, sharing your fears, disappointments, and insecurities. This openness can foster closeness and trust.
• Set Boundaries : Learn to set and respect healthy boundaries in your relationship. Boundaries help you communicate your needs and limits, fostering a respectful and supportive partnership.
• Develop Independence : Cultivate your own friendships and interests outside the relationship. A healthy level of independence is vital for a balanced relationship, reducing pressure.
• Respond to Your Needs : Practice self-care and address your own needs, both emotionally and physically. Being in tune with yourself helps you engage more positively in relationships.
• Patience and Persistence : Overcoming attachment issues is a process that requires time and patience. Celebrate small victories and remain committed to improving your relationship dynamics.

Overcoming Attachment Barriers

Attachment theory, with its rich insights into the emotional bonds that shape our earliest connections, offers a critical lens through which to view the complexities of long-term romantic partnerships. "Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope," wrote Maya Angelou, capturing the essence of overcoming attachment-related challenges in relationships. Couples can transcend the limitations imposed by their early attachment styles, forging deeper, more fulfilling connections that stand the test of time.

Jessica Koehler, Ph.D., is an Associate Faculty Member in the University of Arizona Global Campus Psychology Department.

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Attachment Styles in Therapy: 6 Worksheets & Handouts

Early exposure to absent, neglectful, or emotionally distant parents can shape what we expect from future bonds.

According to attachment theory, the patterns of attachment we form when we are young impact our later relationships with our partners, friends, and families (Gibson, 2020).

Without at least one loving, secure, and nurturing relationship, a child’s development can be disrupted, with the potential for long-lasting consequences (Cassidy et al., 2013).

This article introduces attachment theory before exploring attachment styles and the potential to change them.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

This Article Contains:

Attachment theory in psychology: 4 types & characteristics, how to approach attachment styles in therapy, discovering attachment styles: 10 interview questions & questionnaires, can you change them 6 helpful worksheets & handouts, positivepsychology.com’s relevant resources, a take-home message.

Early in the lives of the mentally well, young children develop ‘secure base scripts’ – the beginnings of early attachment patterns. For example, “When I am hurting, I go to my mother for comfort” (Cassidy et al., 2013, p. 1417).

Over time, such scripts become ‘stories,’ providing a dependable base from which to explore and a safe place to return (Cassidy et al., 2013).

When children have negligent parents or caregivers – perhaps they are not present or emotionally unavailable – they can form unhelpful attachment patterns. For example, early self-sufficiency may leave individuals unable to develop close relationships and lonely in later life.

Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s, attachment theory  recognizes the importance of the child’s dependence on their caregiver (Bowlby, 1988). Such an early relationship can lead to four different attachment styles with corresponding underlying characteristics (Cassidy et al., 2013; Gibson, 2020; The Attachment Project, 2020).

Dismissive-avoidant (sometimes referred to as ‘avoidant’)

Someone who has adopted a dismissive-avoidant style perpetuates a sense of defectiveness and uncertainty in their relationships.

They typically show the following characteristics:

• Appear withdrawn
• Emotionally distant in relationships
• Unlikely to connect at an intimate level
• Highly independent
• Find close involvement with their partners difficult
• Feel overwhelmed when heavily relied upon

As a result, the individual may retreat from the relationship physically and emotionally (Gibson, 2020).

Fearful-avoidant (sometimes referred to as ‘disorganized’)

An individual who experienced an untrusting relationship with caregivers (they may have been addicts or emotionally unwell) during childhood may be fearful-avoidant across all adult relationships (romantic and otherwise).

They typically:

• Feel unworthy
• Are ambivalent in relationships
• Regularly shift between being distant and vulnerable
• Over-analyze micro expressions, such as body language, to look for betrayal
• Fail to trust naturally
• Feel betrayal is always just around the corner

Having, most likely, experienced some form of abuse early in their lives, the individual craves love but expects betrayal, resulting in unpredictable behavior.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment also results from inconsistency during childhood, often the result of absenteeism from caregivers.

• Are high sacrificing people-pleasers
• Fear rejection
• Have a heightened fear of being abandoned
• Overcompensate in adult relationships
• Sacrifice their own needs to maintain relationships

The individual most likely lacked consistent and predictable caregiving as a child, leaving them expecting to be rejected.

Secure attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style often have experienced available and supportive parents.

• Feel secure in relationships
• Are supportive, open, and available in their relationships
• Have the potential to shift individuals in other attachment styles to a more secure one

Those with a secure attachment style “were taught you can be safe while being vulnerable and that their needs were worthy of being met” (Gibson, 2020, p. 15).

Attachment-based psychotherapy (not to be confused with Attachment Therapy , which has questionable efficacy and morality) is based on a ttachment theory as described by its originator John Bowlby (1988) and typically includes the therapist (Brisch, 2012):

• Allowing the client to speak via their attachment system
• Making themselves emotionally available and a reliable and secure base
• Taking into account the client’s attachment styles when handling closeness and interactions
• Acting as a model for dealing with separation
• Avoiding being too close and being perceived as a threat

The client is encouraged to:

• Become more aware of the attachment strategies they use in their relationships
• Consider the attachment style they adopt in therapy
• Compare current perceptions and feelings with those experienced in childhood
• Understand that their distorted perception of themselves (and others) may be outdated and unhelpful
• Verbalize their separation anxieties concerned with being without the therapist

It is crucial to recognize that “early childhood interactions between attachment figures and child carry over to therapy” (Brisch, 2012, p. 103).

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Plotka (2011, p. 4) describes the “Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) as a method of classifying a current state of mind with respect to attachment in adults.”

Adult Attachment Interview

The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) was initially created for research purposes but now forms a regular part of interpreting attachment styles in therapy (Brisch, 2012).

The series of questions is used to probe an adult’s early attachment memories and their current strategies for processing information and feelings.

The following 10 questions are an excerpt from an AAI protocol (modified from George et al., 1985: Brisch, 2012):

• To help me get oriented, could you give me an idea of who was in your immediate family and where you lived?
• Starting with your earliest memories, can you describe your relationship with your parents or caregivers?
• What phrases or adjectives come to mind?
• Which parent did you feel closest to? And why do you think that was?
• When you were upset as a child, what would you do? Who would you go to?
• Can you describe your first memory of separation from your parents?
• Did you ever feel rejected as a child?
• Did your parents ever threaten you?
• How do you think your early experiences may have affected you in adulthood?
• Why do you think your parents behaved as they did?

The above questions are not complete but provide a sample of the AAI .

Attachment Style Interview

Another approach, known as the Attachment Style Interview (ASI), takes a social psychological approach to assess attachment and the individual’s current attachment style.

The ASI is a semi-structured interview, typically taking 90 minutes to administer and explore, without predefined questions, but instead openly exploring (Bifulco et al., 2008; Centre for Abuse and Trauma Studies, n.d.):

• Current ongoing support from present partner
• Current ongoing support from close confidants
• Current ability to form and maintain relationships
• Current generalized attachment attitudes
• Overall attachment style

The ASI is particularly helpful in the adoption and fostering assessment processes.

“Attachment theory is concerned with safety and trust in intimate relationships.”

Chen, 2019, p. 19

Forming a better understanding of their attachment styles and behaviors can help individuals change them to ones that are more supportive and appropriate to well-balanced relationships.

The following worksheets are tools for improving attachment styles through awareness of childhood and adult relationship patterns.

Recognizing Relationship Burnout

Relationships can be exhausting, especially when one partner is dismissive, avoidant, fearful, or anxious (Chen, 2019).

Use the Recognizing Relationship Burnout worksheet to assess whether the relationship is heading for burnout.

Ask the client to rate behaviors that may apply to their relationship and provide an example for each one.

The client should review the answers and look for patterns that may result from either their own or their partner’s attachment styles. For example, are they overly needy, distant, or fearful their partner will leave?

Mapping Emotions

“Emotions have both a mental and a physical component” (Chen, 2019, p. 34). Recognizing them can be the path toward self-acceptance and self-compassion.

Use the Mapping Emotions worksheet to direct the client’s attention to their bodily experiences of emotion to reach a greater acceptance of feelings.

Ask the client to think of the last time they were angry with someone they cared about and how it felt physically.

• Where did you feel the emotion in your body (for example, shoulders, chest, stomach, etc.)?
• Think of a shape or color that best reflects that feeling (for example, a heavy red ball in the stomach).

Encourage the client, with their eyes closed, to think back to that time and the feelings they had with curiosity, acceptance, and self-compassion, then try to imagine the shape or object slowly dissolving, all color and weight leaving.

Recognizing Our Need for Safety and Security

Feeling safe and secure is important in life, particularly in relationships. “Security is about reassurance that connection and resources are and will remain available” and is crucial for relationship collaboration and intimacy (Chen, 2019, p. 43).

Use the Recognizing Our Need for Safety and Security worksheet to help the client better understand what they must have to feel safe in daily life or at a stressful time.

Ask the client to consider the following:

• What could you do to prevent yourself from getting stressed?
• What could your partner do to prevent you from getting stressed?
• What could you do to calm yourself down once you are stressed?
• What could your partner do to calm you down once you are stressed?
• What can you do to reassure yourself of the relationship connection you have?
• What things could your partner do to reassure you of the relationship connection you have?

Performing an Avoidance Stock Take

Avoidant strategies are most problematic when they stop you from being who you want or behaving in the way you would like (Chen, 2019).

Use the Performing an Avoidance Stock Take worksheet to help your client become more aware of the situations that cause them stress and lead to avoidant behavior.

Ask the client to answer the following questions concerning what they find stressful and the situations they avoid.

• What emotions are you experiencing when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, anger, fear, shame, guilt, hurt, or sadness, etc.)?
• What are you looking for or need when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, affection, warmth, love, intimacy, etc.)?
• What is happening when you are most stressed or likely to avoid a situation (for example, decision-making, losing autonomy, trying to be understood, etc.)?

Reviewing their answers should help the client recognize the feelings and behaviors they find difficult. Rather than avoid them, they can try to explore them with their partner while showing themselves more self-compassion.

Identifying Needs and Wants

While we may feel frustrated in a relationship about not getting our needs met, we must first begin by being transparent with ourselves about what these needs are.

Use the Identifying Needs and Wants worksheet to explore a situation or issue when you feel your needs have not been met.

• Describe a situation when you feel your needs were not met.
• Describe each of the needs.
• What should have happened to meet those needs?
• How would you have felt if this had happened?
• How could you share your needs more clearly with your partner?

Accepting Yourself as Being Perfectly Imperfect

Sometimes we need to be reminded to give ourselves a break. We are imperfect; we make mistakes and do or say the wrong things. We can work on getting better, but we will never be perfect.

Use the Accepting Yourself as Being Perfectly Imperfect worksheet with your client to think about when they expect perfection and how to be more kind to themselves.

Ask the client to answer the following questions:

• When in your relationship do you expect perfection from yourself?
• When in your relationship do you expect perfection from your partner?
• How do you feel when you fail to be perfect?
• How do you feel when your partner fails to be perfect?
• What do you do when you feel this way (for example, overeat, avoid your partner, shout, etc.)?
• What message might you give yourself to show more kindness and compassion to yourself and your partner?

Put on your attachment hat & change your romantic attachment style

We have many resources available for therapists to support couples hoping to address relationship issues and strengthen emotional bonds.

Why not download our free positive relationships pack and try out the powerful tools contained within? Some examples include:

• Identifying Our Expert Companions This exercise helps clients identify expert companions (people who take care of their emotional needs and offer support) among the variety of people they know and discover what they need from them.
• The Sound Relationship House Inspection Examine how well a relationship is performing through the lens of the relationship house metaphor to identify opportunities for nurturing.

Other free resources include:

• Anxious Attachment Patterns Use this exercise to identify and understand anxious attachment patterns in a relationship by digging deeper into an uncomfortable experience.
• Understanding the Values You Want in a Relationship This worksheet helps you better understand your values and what gives life meaning.

More extensive versions of the following tools are available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit© , but they are described briefly below:

• The Mountain Climber Metaphor Successful client relationships require a strong therapeutic relationship between client and therapist. Self-determination theory suggests three key ingredients for any healthy relationship .

The Mountain Climber Metaphor is a tool for helping address client concerns and paving the way for a healthy alliance by fostering a sense of relatedness.

• Step one – Identify the people who matter most in your life.
• Step two – Select up to four relationships you value and explore the reasons why.
• Step three – Reflect on how much time you invest in these relationships.
• Step four – Find ways to invest more time in these relationships by initiating connection, showing appreciation, being present, and listening.

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, this collection contains 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.

17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships

Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].

Created by experts. 100% Science-based.

Undoubtedly, our childhood experiences can influence our thinking, beliefs, and behavior much later in life.

Solid and secure relationships from caregivers can provide confidence in the bonds we form with our partners, family, and friends as adults. When caregivers are neglectful, absent, or even abusive, attachment styles can develop that predict subsequent relationship patterns.

Our past need not define our future. While attachment theory recognizes the importance of early relationships, it also promotes our capacity for change. None of us are fixed in how we relate to others, and our anxious, fearful, and avoidant behavior can be overcome.

For most of us, our aim is to develop and maintain relationships that are secure, open, supportive, and beneficial to both. Therapy can help clients identify existing unhealthy attachment styles and replace them with new and more helpful ones.

This article serves as a helpful starting point for therapists wishing to use knowledge of attachment styles to benefit their clients’ existing and future relationships and offers worksheets to begin that journey.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free .

• The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Attachment styles and their role in adult relationships . Retrieved March 9, 2022, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/
• Bifulco, A., Jacobs, C., Bunn, A., Thomas, G., & Irving, K. (2008). The attachment style interview (ASI): A support-based adult assessment tool for adoption and fostering practice. Adoption & Fostering , 32 (3), 33–45.
• Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent–child attachment and healthy human development . Basic Books.
• Brisch, K. H. (2012). Treating attachment disorders: From theory to therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Cassidy, J., Jones, J. D., & Shaver, P. R. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. Development and Psychopathology , 25 (4pt2), 1415–1434.
• Centre for Abuse and Trauma Studies. (n.d.). The Attachment Style Interview (ASI): A fact sheet for professionals in children’s services . Retrieved March 10, 2022, from https://lifespantraining.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/ASI_fact_sheet_for_court_use.pdf
• Chen, A. (2019). The attachment theory workbook: Powerful tools to promote understanding, increase stability & build lasting relationships . Althea Press.
• George, C., Kaplan, N., & Main, M. (1985). The Adult Attachment Interview . Unpublished manuscript, University of California at Berkeley.
• Gibson, T. (2020). Attachment theory: A guide to strengthening the relationships in your life . Rockridge Press.
• Plotka, R. (2011). Adult Attachment Interview (AAI). In S. Goldstein & J. A. Naglieri (Eds.),  Encyclopedia of child behavior and development (p. 4). Springer.

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What our readers think.

It’s self-perpetuating until patterns are changed.

‘… and our anxious, fearful, and avoidant behavior can be overcome.’

No , it can’t. Not in practical terms. If youthful, yes. If not, no. Not when you’ve lived such a life for more than three score years, and have little functional life remaining.

Not very helpful. Seems to assume patient has ‘distorted perceptions’. I doubt that’s necessarily true. Patient’s perceptions – eg of social rejection – may be perfectly accurate.

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How Attachment Style Shapes Our Choices

Y our attachment style and degree of individuation determine your partnership choices and relationship satisfaction. The process of individuation—becoming an individual—allows you to meet your needs for both attachment and autonomy necessary for healthy relationships.

It starts in the first year of life, as we learn that we’re separate from our mother and that we and other people each have our own thoughts, feelings, needs, perceptions, and boundaries.

Margaret Mahler studied mother-child dyads and identified how we separate from our earliest caregivers and develop autonomy and identity to become an individual. This allows us to develop our true self.

Mahler concluded that separation-individuation depends on continued attachment to a responsive caregiver. This allows a child to develop a stable sense of self and others by integrating fluctuating internal states and frustrating and pleasurable aspects of another person.

Whereas Mahler studied the task of separating, John Bowlby developed attachment theory, also based on early child development, but which focused on how attachment defines our sense of self and others. The two theories overlap, and attachment is affected when we have difficulty differentiating from our first caretaker. Both Bowlby and Mahler agreed that a mother’s consistent and understanding attitude is critical for child development.[1]

As we grow, other people at home become important and impact our sense of security, self-esteem, and later adult relationships. Autonomy is best achieved when separation from our parents is conflict-free and they’re seen as supportive and nurturing.

Object Constancy and Splitting

To separate from our mother (or earliest caretaker), as infants we must make sense of contradictory feelings of love and hatred toward her and develop a cohesive view (“object constancy”) of ourselves and others, meaning that we internalize a steady image of ourselves and our mother. When parenting is deficient and we’re unable to integrate good and bad feelings and aspects of our mother, the result is called splitting, first coined by Freud. Splitting keeps the “good” and loved aspects of our mother separate from the “bad” and hated aspects of her, we mentally split the good and bad mother into two contrary representations.[2] This impairs object constancy and our ability to fully develop autonomy. It creates turmoil in close relationships and is associated with an anxious attachment style and fears of abandonment. [3] Read more about how splitting affects relationships.

Attachment Styles

Attachment theory claims that daily interactions with our earliest caretaker determine our style of attaching and how we relate to other people. When not parented well, lack of object constancy might produce a defensive detachment style, l ow self-esteem , and pseudo-self-sufficiency to compensate for a lack of real connection.[4] In some cases, a child may develop narcissism or borderline personality disorder .

We’re likely to seek a partner who conforms to our internal models and reflects how we see ourselves and others.[5] Although not fully explained by research, some people with dysfunctional early parenting develop secure attachments later in life. Temperament also influences how babies behave in ways that appear unrelated to caregiving or are different from siblings who share the same parents.[6]

The three basic attachment styles include secure, anxious, and avoidant; the last has two variants: fearful and dismissive. Estimates suggest roughly 50 percent of the population is secure, 20 percent is anxious, 25 percent is avoidant, and 5 percent is fearful.[7]

Secure Attachment

A responsive caretaker in our earliest years helps us traverse the individuation-separation process with a secure attachment, healthy self-esteem, and the capacity for autonomy and intimacy.[8] This enables us to deal with separations and object constancy. Secure attachers see themselves and others in a positive light and anticipate that they’re reliable, available, and trustworthy. Thus, they believe that it’s easy for them to be in intimate relationships and depend upon other people. They don’t split or idealize their partners but see them as “whole” persons with positive and negative traits. They seek a comfortable rather than intense relationship. They’re compassionate and responsive to their partner’s communications and needs without reacting to requests for more space or intimacy.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style (also called preoccupied) are hyper-focused on the relationship. If their mother was emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, they might worry about rejection and abandonment, just like as a baby they were preoccupied with her mother’s lack of responsiveness and/or comings and goings. This insecurity sensitizes them to signs of withdrawal or abandonment and makes them question their partner’s feelings and commitment.

People with an anxious attachment style view others positively but believe themselves to be unworthy and unlovable (most codependents). They’ve internalized their early caretaker’s behavior as shaming, inferring that they’re not good enough, lovable, or worthy. Their self-esteem suffers as a result.

They’re uncomfortable and feel less valued being on their own, but believe that relationships will validate their lovability and provide the acceptance that they lack internally. Separations are often fraught with guilt, resentment , and anxiety .[9] In relationships, they’re dependent, insecure, and needy, and want complete closeness. Since relationships reflect self-assessments, their strategy usually doesn’t work, because anxious attachers often bond with someone avoidant whose attachment style matches that of their parent and childhood experience. This only exacerbates their experience of abandonment and reinforces their dependency and low self-esteem. It perpetuates a vicious cycle of emotional abandonment.

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style evolves when a mother is frequently unresponsive or emotionally unavailable . Her child learns to be self-sufficient and suppresses vulnerable feelings and attachment needs for love and closeness. Those feelings and needs felt unsafe and were experienced as shameful or disappointing. Such a cold mother may also have had this style and expected her child to be independent before it was emotionally mature enough to do so. (See Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.)

People who suffered abuse or neglect often develop a fearful attachment style , also known as disorganized. When children fear their mother, they may develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style that has elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Like anxious attachers, they see themselves as unworthy and unlovable and want a close relationship, but fear abandonment. However, because they see other people as unavailable, untrustworthy, and rejecting, they’re afraid of becoming dependent and getting hurt. So they avoid relationships to be safe.

Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style achieve autonomy and have a positive view of themselves. They prefer their independence, avoid closeness, and have disdain for people who want intimacy and a close relationship. They don’t want to depend on other people or have others depend on them, which protects them from rejection and disappointment.

Codependency

For codependents, the task of individuation isn’t successfully traversed. Much of their suffering is due to incomplete separation-individuation begun in toddlerhood and conflicting needs for maternal attachment vs. autonomy. Power struggles that accompany individuation in childhood and adolescence frequently continue into adult relationships. Boundaries are difficult to distinguish and establish. Insecure attachments in adult relationships reflect insecure and inconsistent parenting. The dance of intimacy between an anxious pursuer and an avoidant distancer often re-enacts the earlier mother-child drama. The former seeks more closeness and a secure attachment, while the avoidant partner tries to separate and individuate. In actuality, both are codependent but have adapted to an insecure parenting style in different ways.

Developing object constancy and achieving individuation are never finished.[10] Similarly, our attachment style is updated by our adult relational experiences. Secure relationships help us grow. Overcoming codependency promotes individuation and secure attachments. You can practice these steps to change your attachment style and attract a secure relationship. Raise Your Self-Esteem and develop self-love .

© Darlene Lancer 2021

1 I. Blom, A. Bergman. (2013) “Observing Development: A Comparative View of Attachment Theory and Separation–Individuation,” in Eds. J.E. Bettmann and D.D. Friedman, Attachment-Based Clinical Work with Children and Adolescents. pp. 9-44. New York: Springer Science+Business Media.

2. Rubens, R. L. (1996). “The unique origins of Fairbairn’s Theories.” Psychoanalytic Dialogues: The International Journal of Relational Perspectives. 6(3): 413–435.

3. D.K. Lapsky, J. Edgerton. (2002). “ Separation-Individualization, Adult Attachment Style, and College Adjustment .” Journal of Counseling & Development. Vol. 80:484-492.

4. Horner, A. (1995). Object Relations and the Developing Ego in Therapy . United States: Jason Aronson Incorporated.

5. D.K. Lapsky, J. Edgerton. Ibid.

6. Van IJzendoorn, et al. (2000). The similarity of siblings’ attachments to their mother. Child Dev Jul-Aug; 71(4):1086-98.

7. J. Birch. (August 16, 2018). “ Knowing your ‘attachment style’ could make you a smarter dater, ” Washington Post.

8. D.K. Lapsky, J. Edgerton. Ibid.

10. Mahler, M. S., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (1975). The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant. New York: Basic Books

If you have money anxiety, knowing your financial attachment style can help

Senior Lecturer in Finance, King's College London

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Ylva Baeckstrom does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.

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The number of people struggling with money in Britain is at a record high . Financial charities say that people are contacting them for help with debt, paying bills and insolvency. The campaign group Debt Justice found in a survey that 29% of 18- to 24-year-olds and 25% of 25- to 34-year-olds had missed three or more bill payments in the last six months.

A majority (65%) of people don’t think they can survive on their savings for three months without borrowing money . Statistics from the UK’s financial markets regulator show that more than one-third of UK adults have less than £1,000 in savings. And a survey by Money.co.uk found that 30% of Brits aged 25-64 do not save at all for retirement .

With figures like that, is it any wonder that 75% of people in the UK feel anxious about money ?

The current state of the economy is particularly scary for young people. Unless you were born with a trust fund (not most people), you are likely part of the first generation to be financially worse off than your parents . Retirement seems like an impossibility, and you’re unlikely to own your own home. Eighty percent of people in their early 20s worry about not earning enough .

It is important to start planning for your financial future early in your career, but you may find it overwhelming. The good news is, there are ways to overcome this.

Finding your financial attachment style

As a psychotherapist and finance researcher, I work with people to help them to increase their financial confidence and find the motivation to start planning. This often starts with understanding what influences their relationship with money.

Attachment theory is a psychological concept introduced in the late 1950s. Your attachment style – which can be, for example, secure, anxious or avoidant – explains how you approach creating emotionally intimate relationships with other people. Some people feel secure building relationships, while others are extremely anxious. Some avoid close relationships altogether.

This article is part of Quarter Life , a series about issues affecting those of us in our 20s and 30s. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.

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Attachment style can also apply to your finances. If you feel confident and safe when it comes to money, you are secure in your relationship to saving and spending. But if the thought of opening an ISA or filling out a tax return, let alone planning for retirement, fills you with dread and panic, you may be anxiously attached. And if you if you push money worries to the back of your mind, you are likely avoidant.

Attachment theorists and psychotherapists like me think that attachment styles are shaped by childhood experiences – for example, how well you were looked after by your parents or carers, and how safe and loved you felt.

The way money was handled in your family growing up is likely to have set the blueprint for your financial attachment style . Outside influences like education or work experiences may shape this too.

Although financial education is part of the school curriculum in the UK, 76% of children leave school without sufficient financial knowledge to manage their lives. Similarly, financial services like banks have done a poor job helping people establish secure financial relationships. Complex and off-putting language has placed a barrier between those who know about money and those who need to learn.

If you feel unable to keep up with financial terms, or that you don’t understand money, this is likely to hurt your confidence in your financial planning abilities and fuel a more avoidant attachment style.

Identifying your attachment style can help you nurture a better relationship with money. You will be able to understand and predict how and why you react to finances in certain ways. And, it can provide confidence by reminding you that money struggles are not necessarily your fault.

Read more: Why everyone should know their attachment style

Getting over financial anxiety

Some of the recent financial trends spreading on social media may give an insight into your attachment style. Are you “loud budgeting” (being vocal about why you aren’t spending money)? This could be a sign of financial confidence and that you have secure financial attachment. Or are you “doom spending” (spending money you don’t have instead of creating a nest egg for the future)? You may be avoidant.

Healthy relationships with people and money are both critical for our survival and mental health. As an adult, you have the power to improve these relationships. But because attachment patterns were formed early on, they are difficult to change. Therapy and other support can help you adopt healthier habits, as can increasing your financial knowledge.

If you want to change your relationship with money, you should try to be mindful of what may be influencing you. While financial advice on social media may be useful and help young people feel more empowered to talk about money , it can also increase anxiety further and be full of misinformation . A good place to start for accurate and helpful information is the government’s Money Helper website .

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A psychologist explains the 4 ways people think about singlehood.

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Research has unveiled a crucial reason why the experience of singlehood varies from person to ... [+] person.

Being single can elicit a variety of emotions. It can be empowering, distressing, lonely, joyful and frustrating—sometimes all at the same time. However, different people respond to it in different ways.

A 2024 study examined why some people remain single and found that an individual’s attachment style—referring to the way they perceive, interact and emotionally bond with others in close relationships—plays a key role in the diversity of singlehood experiences, shaping how they feel, behave and connect with others.

Here are four ways your attachment style can affect your experience of singlehood, according to the 2024 study.

1. Secure Singlehood

“For some individuals, long-term singlehood might represent a satisfying personal and autonomous choice (as opposed to a defensive denial of intimacy needs)—that is, single people characterized by secure attachment,” the researchers state.

For those securely attached, singlehood may be a deliberate choice, marked by contentment and autonomy, yet anchored in the ability to seek and maintain meaningful connections with family and friends.

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Securely attached individuals also tend to fare well in terms of psychosocial well-being, experiencing higher life satisfaction—which is, in turn, associated with satisfaction with singlehood —and greater psychological need fulfillment compared to those with insecure attachment styles.

Such individuals report a lower fear of being single, greater self-esteem and empathy, lower hurt-proneness, emotional instability and dysregulation, with their singlehood being less relevant to their identity. While they report not needing a romantic relationship, they are still open to the idea in the future and desire them more than their avoidant counterparts.

Securely attached singles also have greater access to social support and are less likely to experience depression, anxiety, loneliness and problematic pornography use compared to anxious or fearfully attached singles.

2. Anxious Singlehood

Individuals characterized by heightened attachment anxiety often struggle with maladaptive interpersonal behaviors stemming from insecurity or fears of abandonment, which makes them more likely to experience unstable relationships and remain single .

Highly anxious individuals exhibit traits such as excessive jealousy, suspicion and emotional volatility, which undermine their efforts to cultivate fulfilling connections. They may also exaggerate their hurt to receive reassurance from their partners. Due to their intense desire for intimacy, they tend to experience dissatisfaction with singlehood, longing for romantic partnerships yet grappling with fears of rejection and loneliness.

Such individuals display lower self-esteem, greater neuroticism, loneliness and heightened emotional distress, with their “single” status often being central to their identity and at the forefront of their minds.

Anxiously attached singles also experience a strong fear of being single—which can lead to a desire for ex-partners and settling for unfulfilling partnerships —and lower levels of well-being, likely due to not having their psychological need for connection and intimacy met.

Despite their yearning for closeness, they paradoxically report fewer close relationships and diminished well-being in both romantic and non-romantic relationships.

“The anxious profile was also highest in hypersensitive narcissism, characterized by a fragile self-image, hypersensitivity, entitlement and self-focused attention. Anxious individuals tend to be less responsive and empathic to the needs of others and display heightened focus on their own distress,” the researchers explain.

3. Avoidant Singlehood

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often remain single due to their tendency to avoid emotional vulnerability and intimacy, anticipating relationship failure and preferring to maintain emotional distance from others to avoid getting hurt.

This avoidance of intimacy not only impacts their romantic relationships but also affects their psychosocial well-being, as they report lower satisfaction with interpersonal relationships and exhibit poorer mental health outcomes compared to securely attached individuals.

Such individuals tend to display lower levels of commitment and empathy, seeking alternative partners in their relationships. They report that their singlehood is not very relevant to their sense of self and display little to no interest in current or future relationships .

With their often excessive self-reliance and autonomy, avoidant singles may also struggle to find fulfillment in non-romantic relationships.

While they may fare better than anxious and fearfully attached individuals in terms of their self-esteem, emotional instability and fear of being single, their overall satisfaction with life and interpersonal relationships remains lower than those securely attached, suggesting that while avoidance may offer temporary protection from emotional pain, it also hinders the depth of meaningful connections.

4. Fearful Singlehood

Fearfully attached singles are characterized by high levels of both attachment anxiety and avoidance , oscillating between the yearning for intimacy and the dread of rejection. Their journey through singlehood is marked by inner turmoil and ambivalence.

“The combination of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance may result in contradictory and chaotic behaviors in relationships and is highly likely to undermine the formation and maintenance of romantic relationships,” the researchers explain.

Compared to other attachment profiles, they report greater fears of being single, heightened neuroticism and lower self-esteem. Their singlehood experiences are marked by a sense of centrality to their identity similar to that of anxious individuals but they report the lowest levels of psychological well-being and availability of support.

Fearful singles also display heightened emotion dysregulation, hurt proneness and fear of being single, along with increased social anxiety, reduced empathy and elevated levels of depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidality and problematic pornography use.

Despite similarities with anxious individuals in anxieties related to singlehood, fearful singles exhibit a greater likelihood of feeling unable to find a partner and experience less satisfying romantic and non-romantic relationships, reflecting an incoherent and chaotic use of attachment strategies that significantly impact their relationships.

Whether we embrace singlehood as a choice or navigate it with apprehension, our attachment styles wield considerable influence over our romantic pursuits and our overall well-being. However, it’s crucial to know that these styles aren’t static; they can evolve with intentional effort . Through therapy, self-reflection, actively seeking out healthy relationships and nurturing meaningful non-romantic connections, individuals can navigate singlehood with greater resilience and fulfillment.

Are you curious about how you experience singlehood? Take this test: Fear Of Being Single Scale

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