losing my mom essay

8 Life Lessons I’ve Learned After Losing My Mother

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My mother was just 48 when I lost her. I was 24. In a way we knew that it was coming. She had stage four lung cancer and it was only a matter of time until I would have to face the heartbreaking reality of losing her at a young age. I realized she would not be there to ever see me or my sister get married nor would she ever get the opportunity to be a grandmother. She wouldn’t be around to celebrate 30 years of marriage with my father and she wouldn’t be there to help me through the troubles most 24 year olds have along the way. I think of her every single day, she is the first thought on my mind the minute I wake up and she is the last thought before I lay my head down to go to sleep.

Through the heartbreak, change, and devastation I have learned some key points that will help me along with several others on the healing journey.

1. Nothing lasts forever.

Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness always comes light and you get reminded of this each and every morning. Bad times make good times better. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad, So we all might as well smile while we are still here.

2. Love is stronger than death.

My relationship with my mom continues on each and every day and will for the rest of my life. I see pieces of her in myself every time I look in the mirror. She lives on through me. When I hear mine and my mom’s song “Some Kind of Wonderful” by Grand Funk Railroad I feel as if we are together. Physical planes cannot separate love and i know this to be true.

3. It will forever be a part of who I am.

I’ve met many people after losing my mom. It’s almost as if I want to introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Jenna, I’m only 25 years old, I’m a motherless daughter and I lost my mom to lung cancer.” The question “So tell me about your parents?” is like nails on a chalk board. Those who truly know me and knew my mom know pretty much every heartbreaking detail of the pain I’ve endured after losing her, but for those who I’ve recently met or have yet to meet have no idea. Losing my mom has reshaped who I am, how I see the world, and has changed my life forever.

4. Memories are gold.

Oh the memories, they flood through my mind all the time. The good memories are more so from before she was diagnosed with cancer. But I will literally NEVER forget the last few days of her life. We shared laughs, cries, and all different types of emotions but the memory I will be forever grateful for occurred just minutes before she died. I knew something was wrong, she was rushed to the Medical ICU where her heart rate was sky high and her blood pressure was dangerously low. My heart was beating out of my chest, I grabbed her hand looked her right in the eyes and my last words to her were “I love you so much”. She looked at me, squeezed my hand and she didn’t have to say a word, I knew how much she loved me. In that moment I realized that I have received more love from her in my 24 years with her than most receive in a life time.

5. Some things will just always be out my control.

Watching someone you love suffer is one of the worst experiences you can imagine. All you can do is stick by their side, hold their hand, and try to make them smile through the pain. It’s a huge sense of helplessness and you want to take on the pain for them but some things will forever be out of your control. I fought endlessly to try to save my mom’s life and I just couldn’t, there was nothing more I could do but let her know how loved she was.

6. Music heals.

I personally love music; I love songs with deep meanings. One song that makes me smile when I am feeling down is “Footprints in the Sand” by Leona Lewis. Whenever I hear it, it reminds me that my mom will be right next to me for the rest of my life, not physically but I know her spirit will continue to follow me.

“Music has healing power. It has the ability to take people out of themselves for a few hours.” – Elton John

7. Life is for the living, so live it.

After a tremendous loss I’ve heard of many people losing themselves or getting caught up in the bad rather than the good. I often find myself doing certain things and I think how unfair it is that my mom isn’t here to enjoy the little pleasure that life brings. I also look at it as more a reason to go out and live. I do the things she loved to do; I do the things I love to do, more so now than ever. Life is just too damn short.

8. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Jenna lowthert.

I have the ability to find beauty in weird places..

Keep up with Jenna on amazon.com

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Mothers’ Day grief: What this day means when you’ve lost your own mom

To all the mamas who have lost their mamas.

By Darnise C. Martin May 3, 2022

tomasso79 / Shutterstock

The Mother’s Day season always greets me with angst and bits of unresolved grief. Some years are better than others. If you are dealing with grief from the loss of a mother and this is a difficult time for you, I have a word to share.

My mother died in the winter of 1988. I was a 20-year-old college student, and I had just returned to school following our Christmas holiday break. My mother had recently had a hysterectomy and was having complications, none of which seemed serious. But when I got that phone call on a February morning at 5 a.m., I knew it was bad. My stepfather called and told me to get home as quickly as possible. In a frenzy, I got myself back to Dallas, TX where we had been living for the past few years. I was too late though. She had already passed away by the time I landed in the airport.

The following week threw me into a state of shock and grief from which I would never fully recover. I have shared many of these details in a memoir called, “ Mother Loss: Reflections On Grief ,” which I began writing as a way to process my own heartbreak and confusion. In that book, I talk about the reverberations of my mother’s sudden death on my whole family. For a good while, we were all broken. 

Related: Mother’s Day is complicated

For me, each Mother’s Day season brings up varying degrees of grief and nostalgia. Each Mother’s Day, I am reminded that I don’t have a mother , and with that realization I find gritty bits of grief mixed with a flood of memories and emotions that I’m not sure I want to revisit. 

For those of us who are motherless daughters, you may recognize this experience as a slice of your life too. Some of us don’t know what to do with ourselves on Mother’s Day. We see our friends and strangers going through the rituals of buying gifts for their mothers, making reservations for brunch or dinner. We hear our friends lamenting how their relationship with their mother is complicated or they express gratitude that they have a close and loving relationship, and how they don’t know what they would do without her. 

Some of them ask us, “How do you cope on Mother’s Day when your own mother has passed away?” Sometimes I reply, “Oh, is it Mother’s Day? I forgot.”  Sometimes it’s that kind of year where I have ignored all the cues and marketing campaigns and busied myself with my work or personal projects, and so the day slipped into the back of my mind. Other times, I respond with, “It’s always hard and surreal not to have a mother, but especially so at this time. I just keep going.” Every Mother’s Day brings its own realizations, memories, melancholia and sometimes a surprising contentment.  

From the time my mother died, I have had a recurring dream/nightmare in which I would unexpectedly see her out in a public place, and I would chase after her, calling for her to turn around and tell me where she had been. I could never catch up to her and I never got an answer. After several years of this randomly occurring dream, I finally had one where I found her sitting on a couch in someone’s house, and I was able to talk to her. She answered my questions. She had not in fact left me, she said, she was always there. When I woke up, I knew that I had turned a corner in the grief of losing my mom. My intense longing had been quenched. I began to feel that I could make room for peace around her death, and maybe even let my emotional guard down.

The grief from losing your mom is unique. The umbilical cord that we once shared with our biological mothers gave us more than nutrients, it also connected us to her heartbeat, her life’s blood, the marrow from her bones. She provides life from the moment of conception. Mothers who foster, adopt or otherwise care for children pour into them as well from their inner resources. 

Related: The hard lessons I’ve learned about grief

After my mother’s funeral, I remember wondering how I could physically remain alive without her. I was in full-on grief mode, feeling the anguish of her absence, and I floundered. Part of the grief of losing your mother is the realization that we are not just without a mother in the physical sense, but also the feeling that we are unmothered as a state of being, bereft without ongoing maternal nurturance and support in a world where being mothered is the norm. My attempted remedy to that longing was to collect other people’s mothers. 

I felt fortunate that I had close friends who invited me to share their mothers, especially during holidays. Now, that doesn’t feel as necessary. Now, I am comforted by the presence of my own mother when I see our resemblance reflected in the mirror and by the similarities in our mannerisms. In this way, my grief from losing my mother feels less acute and more like a tender spot that marks the natural bumps, bruises and heartbreaks of life. My spirituality enables me to connect with her as an ancestor. By reconnecting in this way, I realize that I am not actually unmothered. I am the embodiment of her. I quite literally embody her existence and keep her in the present. 

I bring her with me into any space I enter. I find myself using her words and inflections when I speak to the college students I teach. I had always imagined that if I ever had a daughter, I would somehow download her maternal presence into the ways that I mother. My daughter’s name would have been Catherine, named after her grandmother.

Being a mother without a mother must take on challenges when she is not here helping with the routine, mundane and joyful things of raising a child. I don’t have children of my own, and it seems to me that it offers a unique bittersweet opportunity to be able to pour into your own child what you received from your mother, grandmother and great-grandmothers. Mother’s Day provides an opportunity to intentionally share your mother with your child. Mother’s Day can become the day that you serve as a bridge between your child and your mother. 

Ultimately, how we as motherless daughters navigate the Mother’s Day season is as individual as we each are, but my experience says that we can transform our grief into an empowering way of being. I offer these suggestions for the season:

• Recall and celebrate her traits that give you strength, courage, determination and compassion.
• Continue learning from her life experiences—Gather stories about who she was as a girl. How did she navigate early obstacles? Where are the similarities you share with her?
• What can you do in her honor? Do it on Mother’s Day.
• Create a home altar and place some of her favorite things there with a candle, glass of water and a picture. Recall fond memories there.

I keep an altar with a couple of pieces of jewelry on it that reflect not only her love of jewelry, but also a way that we connect via the sharing of the pieces. Some days, I wear the rings that usually remain on the altar, taking her with me out into the world. 

From one motherless daughter to another, I encourage you to find ways to keep your best mama memories alive.

You can find out more about my journey in my book “ Mother Loss: Reflections On Grief .”

Darnise C. Martin, Ph.D. is a Professor, Author, and Life Transformation Coach with 15 years of training and experience in helping people create Whole Life Abundance. Dr. Darnise has a life-long passion for helping people tap into their spiritual connections for authentic transformation in the areas of Relationships, Spirituality, Life Purpose and Career, Self-Worth, and Well-Being. She is the author of multiple books, including Mother Loss: Reflections on Grief. You can join Dr. Darnise’s community at www.reflectionsonloss.com

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How to Deal With the Death of a Mother

Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer using her experiences to help others. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a board member of Still I Run, a non-profit for runners raising mental health awareness. Theodora has been published on sites including Women's Health, Bustle, Healthline, and more and quoted in sites including the New York Times, Shape, and Marie Claire.

Daniel B. Block, MD, is an award-winning, board-certified psychiatrist who operates a private practice in Pennsylvania.

EMS-FORSTER-PRODUCTIONS / Getty Images

The death of one's mother is one of the hardest things most people will go through in life. Whether you two had a great relationship, a strained relationship, or something in between, this event will likely have a significant impact on your life.

In one survey, between 20% to 30% of participants stated that losing a loved one was the most traumatic event in their lives—even among those who had reported 11 or more traumatic events over the course of their life. For that group, 22% still ranked the loss of a loved one as their most traumatic event.

Why the Death of One's Mother Is So Hard

Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who birthed you or a mother (or mother figure) who raised you, you are either grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish you had.

John Bowlby , a British psychologist, believed that children are born with a drive to seek attachment with their caregivers. While others before him believed that attachment was food-motivated, he believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness.

Therefore, it makes sense that grieving that attachment—or lack thereof—would be incredibly difficult.

A mother is such an integral part of our lives in our society, in part because we are not raised in communities with a variety of caretakers,” says Liz Schmitz-Binnall, PsyD, who has done research on mother loss and resilience.

Her research specifically focused on adult women who had lost their mothers as children and found that they scored lower on resilience than those who had not lost mothers as children.

She says she sees many people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mother but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death.

How a Mother's Death Can Affect Someone

While mother loss differs from other losses in some key ways, some of the same effects that come from any kind of loss or bereavement are present. Some thoughts and feelings typical of grief:

• Difficulty concentrating

Less known is that grief can show up physically , in addition to the more-known mental or spiritual indications. In your body, grief may look like:

• Digestive problems
• Energy loss
• Nervousness
• Sleep disturbances
• Weight changes 

Risk of Psychiatric Disorders

In others, however, a loss of a loved one may activate mental health disorders even in those with no history of mental illness. One study found an increased risk for the following disorders, in addition to discovering a new link between mania and loss:

• Major depressive disorder
• Panic disorder
• Posttraumatic disorder

Specifically in adults over the age of 70: 

• Manic episodes
• Alcohol use disorders
• Generalized anxiety disorder 

What Is Complex Bereavement?

All grief is complex, but upon losing someone, many people are able to slowly readjust to their daily routines (or create new routines). Mental health professionals may call it complicated or complex bereavement if it has been at least a year and your daily function is still significantly impacted. 

(Note: the current clinical name is Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association recently approved a change of name to Prolonged Grief Disorder. )

Some of the signs of prolonged grief are the following symptoms still significantly impacting your daily functioning after 12 months:

• Difficulty moving on with life 
• Emotional numbness 
• Thoughts that life is meaningless
• A marked sense of disbelief about the death

In one study, 65% of participants with complicated grief had thought about wanting to die themselves after losing a loved one. So if you, or someone you know who is grieving, is having suicidal thoughts, know that you aren’t alone and this is not uncommon for what you are going through.

If you are having suicidal thoughts but feel you can keep yourself safe, you should talk to a mental health professional. If the thoughts become unbearable and you are in imminent danger of hurting yourself, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support from a counselor who is trained in this.

How to Heal from the Death of a Mother

When loss is fresh, it feels like you will feel that way forever—but you won’t.

“If you allow yourself to grieve, and if others allow you to grieve,” says Schmitz-Binnall, “you will probably notice that the really intense feelings will lessen during the first few months after the death of your mother.”

She says that while most people intuitively realize it can be hard to lose a mother, they don’t realize quite how hard it can be—or how long it can take. “People in our society often think we can move through grief in a month and be done with it.”

And even if we don’t acknowledge those feelings, that doesn’t mean they aren’t existing and impacting our lives anyway.

Liz Schmitz-Binnall

Too many people push us to ‘get on with life’ too soon after a significant loss. We need to be able to grieve, but...we also need to adjust our expectations of ourselves.

Some of her tips:

• Feel the feelings
• Or let yourself feel nothing
• Talk about your feelings
• Spend time by yourself
• Spend time with others
• Talk to her (in whatever way that means for you and your beliefs—it may also include writing letters to her.)

Talk to a Professional

Therapy can be helpful after a major loss like this. While most therapists will have worked with grief, as it's one of the most universal life experiences, there are also therapists who specialize in working with clients with grief. To find one, search for grief therapist or grief counselor in your area.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Find a Community

Since grief can feel like such an isolating experience, many find comfort in support groups, whether they be in-person or an online support group. If you are a woman who has lost a mother, you may be interested in the Motherless Daughters community , which is both virtual and has offline meetups.

A Word From Verywell

The death of a mother is one of the most traumatic things someone can experience. If you are currently grieving your mother, give yourself grace. Whether you had a good relationship or not with her, there will always be grief associated with either the actual relationship you had or the one you wish you had.

Hasin DS, Grant BF. The national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions (Nesarc) waves 1 and 2: review and summary of findings .  Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol . 2015;50(11):1609-1640. doi:10.1007/s00127-015-1088-0

Schmitz-Binnall E. Resilience in adult women who experienced early mother loss .  All Antioch University Dissertations & Theses .

• Keyes KM, Pratt C, Galea S, McLaughlin KA, Koenen KC, Shear MK. The burden of loss: unexpected death of a loved one and psychiatric disorders across the life course in a national study .  AJP . 2014;171(8):864-871. doi:10.4088/jcp.v67n0209
• Szanto K, Shear MK, Houck PR, et al. Indirect self-destructive behavior and overt suicidality in patients with complicated grief.   J Clin Psychiatry . 2006;67(2):233-239. doi:10.4088/jcp.v67n0209

By Theodora Blanchfield, AMFT Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer using her experiences to help others. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a board member of Still I Run, a non-profit for runners raising mental health awareness. Theodora has been published on sites including Women's Health, Bustle, Healthline, and more and quoted in sites including the New York Times, Shape, and Marie Claire.

What Losing Your Mother Feels Like

Author, travel & ski journalist, life blogger

I never wanted to write about grief, not here, not as often as I am. But grief doesn't run to my schedule, it has an agenda of it's own and descends at a whim oblivious to my goings on.

Some say it comes in waves, but that would suggest a rhythm one can predict, like tides that run with the moon. I feel no rhythm in my grief from the death of my mother three months ago ,but I do live in a slow motion pace inside a bubble from which I see my altered world.

Outside, the bubble is a world of noise, inside is silence and muted sounds. When grief hits, the bubble bursts and a cacophony of sadness invades my head until the bubble grows again with me back in it. I don't mind the world inside the bubble, though I fear my constant retreat to it will prevent me from living in real time.

Four days after my mother died, I lay in my bathtub soaking in tepid water and rang her mobile phone. She didn't answer, but you knew that already. A man's voice took the call and I hung up. Her phone had not been used for over a year, and her number had already been transferred and her name replaced.

I can't explain why I rang her old number, no more than I can explain why I felt the need to constantly kiss her on the lips when she was in the hospital or why I apologized for not being married or my need to hold her cooling legs like marble under my hands long after she took her last breath.

I had thought that when my mother died, it would be like heartbreak. It would be intense and painful and follow me round with every single breath, dragging behind me like a boulder.

But it's not. I live my life, I have fun, I laugh and all seems fine and then bam. There it is again. It may last a minute, 10 minutes, an hour, a few days and then it's gone. Just like that. Grief is crazy-making with an element of surprise and the constant knowledge that no matter what you do that person is gone, never to return, never.

Losing a mother is like being on a ship that has lost it's ballast and is now at the mercy of the deepest ocean and all it holds within. I bob around without a foundation to bring me back to the same balanced spot each time, a spot I just can't get right. Instead, I spend my time sideways, upside down, rightside up, sinking to the ocean floor and floating back up, taken on the current to places I have never been.

My bubble burst again this week. It was stretched beyond repair and I wrestled within it, trying to find a space to survive away from the madness inside my head.

I fled to the Internet at 1:00 a.m. when I couldn't sleep and trawled and sleuthed and googled ex-boyfriends just to make myself feel really good about myself until 5:00 a.m., when I knew I was now well and truly lodged within a rabbit hole.

I later fled to the air-conditioned confines of a movie cinema to escape the summer heat and the pulsating burning of my chaotic thoughts fueled by my insomniac Internet session the night before.

By dusk, I was driving around the streets, dialing friends who went through to voicemail. When I found a live voice at the end of the phone I broke down, pulled into a car park of a gourmet supermarket and sobbed for half an hour into a t-shirt I found on the floor of my car. My friend stayed on the line and taught me how to breathe again.

Turns out I just wanted my mum, and the silence of my ex-boyfriend since her funeral just mimicked the final silence of her.

It also reminded me that I had put the grieving of a significant romantic relationship to the side when the end of life's ultimate relationship took precedence and now there was no escaping either. I wanted one to comfort me for the loss of the other and vice-versa, yet both had legitimate reasons why they couldn't. Grief is like that; it intensifies every loss no matter the size and takes residence inside your head.

Fourteen months ago, when I was told mum had cancer, I was determined to identify an exact prognosis, a figure I could put in my diary as if controlling time was a) within my power and b) the key to keeping my grief at bay. If I could manage the time I did have, then I could easily move forward and get on with my life after that date, right?

"You must ask the oncologist what your prognosis is," said the pragmatist me down the phone to my mum before emailing her a list of questions to ensure she got the answers to.

When I rang half an hour after her and Dad returned home from the specialists for the biopsy results, I found out three things. My father was angry, my mother had walked in the door and gone straight for an alcoholic beverage and the bladder cancer tumor had invaded her vagina and pushed itself around her urethra, shut down one of her kidneys, infested her lymph nodes and settled in her lungs.

The cancer was, in the words of the specialist, inoperable and in the handwriting of my father on the piece of paper he had printed out with the questions I so wanted the answers to, incurable. There would be no chemotherapy and only a short course of palliative radiotherapy to buy her an extra month or two.

My father said there was no prognosis, but my mother said the specialist had told her Grade IV bladder cancer takes around 12 months to strangle the inner organs and send the host body to death. He had also told her he believed she was halfway there.

Prognosis? Six months. He didn't say it, I did. Like all doctors he can't tell you how and when and what date and time you are going to die and nor does he want to.

In six months, you can build a Rolls Royce or film Laurence Olivier's 1948 Hamlet or lose twelve kilos on Weight Watchers or wrap up your mothers life in the hope that losing hers won't make you lose your own.

She lasted double that time.

I don't long for my mother to return. I felt that as deaths go, she had a good one, and it is bound to come to us all, bringing her back would just delay the inevitable.

Inspired by her own desire to face it head-on, I ran towards her for the last vulnerable year of her life and was rewarded with some truly special times. What I do miss is the constance of her presence in this world, my world and the physical aspects of her body being here.

My body, born from hers, has acutely felt the physical loss. The warmth of her hand and the sound of her laugh.

When I was born, the only other person in the room was my mother. The midwife attending the home birth had gone to call the doctor due to a complication which turned out to be my butt wanting to come out first. By the time she returned, I had already heaved my way out.

That's what I miss. Just my mother and me in the room.

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Why the Death of Your Mother Is a Life-Changing Event

Shock, relief, loneliness, and gratitude, perhaps all at once..

Posted December 29, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

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Regardless of the quality of the relationship, losing your mother is a major life event. Many people fear the grieving process; grieving your mother’s death will turn that process on its head. The known becomes unknown, the predictable becomes uncertain, and warring emotions compete–starting immediately with the shock that someone so integral to your presence can suddenly just be gone.

Though our brains are astounding in their ability to adapt to changing circumstances, that skill can complicate the grieving process. The thread of a mother’s existence runs throughout your life, humming in the background from childhood through adulthood. It doesn’t matter if you struggled to get along or found her to be your best friend; even for those who never knew their biological mother, her death will be momentous.

Coping With Shock

If your mother was a significant part of your life, her death will somehow bring everything to a screeching halt while life continues to march forward. The world around you will change, seasons will pass, and holidays will fly by, but your world may seem to stop. Your brain will be forced to grasp how someone can be present in every way but also physically gone forever – a dissonance that creates significant stress and anxiety .

The first days after the death of your mother are filled with the mechanisms of survival mode: finding the will to shower, making the plans that accompany death, remembering to eat, and reminding yourself to keep breathing. Those days will pass in a blur, and later you may look back at them with little to no memory of what happened – a completely normal reaction to your body's shock.

As you progress through waves of shock and sadness, you may be in awe at the depth of your grief . It can come on gradually and suddenly. There will be triggers you are aware of and may even seek out, just to get a release on the emotions building up in your chest. There will also be triggers that come out of nowhere and stun you into instant sorrow. You will be surprised at how quickly tears form, with no warning.

Physiological Reactions

Physiological reactions like crying, rapid breathing, digestive issues, and more are the body’s natural way of coming to terms with enormous change. Without these reactions, there would be no outlet for emotions that are too intense to handle otherwise. The process of shock is intimately wrapped up in these reactions: Your body is a pro at connecting the logical dots and making things work, but when it’s trying to navigate the abstract nature of powerful grief, it becomes symptomatic.

Your body will do its best to protect you from the immediate, terrorizing pain of your mother’s loss. As part of its shock reaction, you may find yourself behaving normally and wondering why you don’t feel more sadness, anger , or really anything at all. You may be swimming in the depths of numbness and brain fog . You will likely find sleep to be suddenly unpredictable, and your thoughts may become strangers.

When the Numbness Wears Off

The initial numbness of your mother’s death will eventually wear off. It happens in pieces, one wave at a time, and the feelings that follow will be some of the most extreme you'll ever experience. Anger, guilt , resentment, relief, misery, despair — there are no limits to the emotions that will flood your body and mind. Many people wander in and out of shock for months (and sometimes years) as their minds try to work through these emotions while still going through the motions of living.

Once the loss sinks in, you may feel breathtaking loneliness . You may now be the first of the line, staring your own mortality in the face. You are not as removed from death as the presence of your mother led you to believe, and her absence will be glimmering behind every object, every action, and every thought.

You will feel suddenly and irrevocably responsible for the future. You may experience a crushing weight of “what if” that leaves you almost breathless. There is no longer a mother to bounce ideas off of, call when you’re upset, or get affirmation from. You’re on your own now. You have to be your own cheerleader, support, and shoulder to cry on — and you have to do it all while continuing to live your best life. The responsibility can be grueling.

While adjusting to your foundation crumbling, your emotions will often turn against you. You will suddenly remember every argument, every wasted moment, and every missed opportunity, and you may experience paralyzing regret.

Just as your mind recognizes there is no going back, your emotions may urge you to take up residence in the past. Despite their futility, guilt and condemnation often become a way to cope with the intense pain of your mother’s death.

Moments of Hope

Though it’s nearly impossible to believe, all will not be negative. You may feel relief, particularly if your mother struggled with chronic conditions that will no longer plague her. You may feel released from the conflict or pressure that came with a caregiving relationship. You may even feel a renewed sense of gratitude for your own life and a sharpened ambition to soak up every minute available to you and your remaining loved ones. Death can knit together as much as it can tear apart.

Your mother’s death will change you. That change is likely the only predictable part of the entire process – a process that will break, overwhelm, and rebuild you. The only way out is through, riding each wave as it comes and, through it all, remembering to breathe and keep moving forward.

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock

Jamie Cannon, MS, LPC, specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, and grief with populations ranging from children and families to victims of domestic violence.

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The long goodbye to my mom while trying to be a mom myself

Five days into my mother’s at-home hospice, at the end of her battle with colon cancer , I called my husband, Jerett, to tell him it was time for him to fly out to Houston from Los Angeles with our son, Cole, who was only 13 months old. When he told me he’d buy a ticket for the following day, I experienced a fear I’d never imagined I would have.

I was terrified that I would have no love or energy at all to give to my son. I didn’t know if I could take care of my mom, go through losing her, and also be a mother to my own child. I was convinced I would fail him. How do we handle anything other than our grief when we’re in the depths of it? How do we manage work and child care and relationships, when we have so much heaviness pulling us to the ground? In the toughest moments, it’s hard to imagine giving one more ounce of yourself away. I had very little confidence that I could take on anything other than administering medications and keeping myself awake, and that scared me. 

When Jerett walked into the house that Thursday with Cole, to my relief I hurried over to them and felt a rush of love. There was more to give, and what I hadn’t realized was that my son would restore my energy, instead of sucking me dry. My mom was slowly leaving, but I had this child to feed and change and medicate since, in keeping with Murphy’s Law of Parenting, my kid happened to get a virus right at that time. 

For the next few days, the hours melted away, and we went through the motions of living, existing within a space that felt suspended just outside the limits of everyday life. The hospice nurses continued to say, “I don’t think it’ll be more than 24 hours,” and we continued to tell my mom how much we loved her, how lucky we were to have had her. We defrosted lasagnas and casseroles and barely ate them. We drank wine, without joy. By the last two days, which we did not know at the time would be the last two days, we finally found the courage to say, “Mom, it’s OK now. You can go.”

She died on Sunday. That morning, my father and sisters and I walked into the room together to be with her one final time. Those moments are a blur to me now. What was said, how our bodies moved through space. It’s an impression, vague and yet full of sorrow. There is no way, for me at least, to process or analyze the actual moment you realize a mother, your mother, has left. What is your life going to be like without the person who raised you? What does it mean that she’s gone — your touchstone, the one who, even as she drove you nuts, always made you feel most like yourself? No one knows you like your mother, people often say. So how do you continue without this person, who was so much a part of you? The person who gave you your laugh, your sense of humor, your love of Natalie Wood’s movies and Toni Morrison’s writing. That shift in existence is a shimmer, imperceptible, unmooring. Maybe that’s why, looking back, all I can ever remember in that room is the sunlight, and silence.

Eventually, we had to call the hospice nurses and Lev, the funeral director. As devastated as we were, we made sure to tell Lev that he’d better bury our mom with her blonde wig on, or else. A Texas belle to the end, she hated losing her hair, and she would not just haunt us but kill us in our sleep if we let Lev bury her without that wig. Lev completely understood.

After we spoke to Lev, my siblings and I also needed to safely dispose of the morphine, tell other family members, and give our own kids the million things they needed from us. We were compelled to move forward, whether we liked it or not.

There’s a tradition in Judaism where, after sitting shiva, which is the weeklong mourning period, the family goes outside and walks around the block together. It signifies the bereaved reentering society. It’s supposed to happen a week after the burial, but we’re not exactly traditional, so the morning my mom died, my dad said he wanted us all to go outside and walk around the block, in keeping with that tradition, sort of. It was a gorgeous day, the kind of sunny, temperate weather our mom loved. Santa Barbara weather, she would have said. She couldn’t stand the muggy Houston summers. She was a Texan to her core, though, so despite her love of places like Santa Barbara, she never would have lived anywhere else.

We stepped outside. I held Cole in my arms, and, together, we walked. Rows of old live oak trees canopied the streets. I’m not sure what anyone said during our walk, if we said much of anything at all. I think we were mostly silent. It takes much longer than a simple stroll for loss to settle in, if it settles at all. It’s still settling around me, nearly five years after that walk below the oaks.

That Sunday afternoon, we wound through streets where kids played football and neighbors watered lawns. Maybe to them we just looked like an exceptionally pensive family taking a stroll, but that walk, which lasted much longer than a few blocks, wasn’t symbolic of us reentering society. It was us actually, physically entering a new existence. Moving into a world where we would carry grief with us, always. None of us knew what was ahead, or how we would cope or function. We did know that millions of people had experienced grief of this depth, every day, for centuries, and somehow they endured. And so, beneath the shady oaks, we walked, away from that horrible hospice week and into the rest of our lives, without her.

Excerpted from “So Sorry For Your Loss: How I Learned to Live with Grief, and Other Grave Concerns” © 2023 by Dina Gachman, published by Union Square & Co.

Dina Gachman is a Pulitzer Center Grantee and a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Texas Monthly, Vox and more. "So Sorry For Your Loss" is her second book.

I’m Scared of Losing My Parents. What Should I Do?

• by Celes     |    
• Filed in Emotional Mastery , Family , Relationships

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were to lose your parents one day? Do you feel scared at this thought? Reader Sumedha asks this question:

“Lately, I’m getting too emotional over my fear of losing my parents. I just get stricken with a strong sense of guilt that I’m not doing anything back to them and I owe them a lot. I’m too attached to them and I can’t help myself from feeling this way. I know they’re doing a lot for me and I’m grateful for that but this feeling just gets too much. I’d really be thankful to you if you can help me get over this feeling. Thank you so much.”

How do you overcome the fear of losing your parents or your loved ones? Beyond burying our heads in work and miscellaneous distractions, and ignoring this sinking feeling of something that we don’t wish to face, what can we do to tackle this fear?

In this episode of The Personal Excellence Podcast, I share

• The nature of death [03:59]
• 2 key reasons why most people feel (heavy) guilt or fear of losing their loved ones [06:42]
• Reader Kimberly’s loss of her dad and my advice to her [07:19]
• The eternity of our spirit [08:15]
• Carrying on your loved one’s message after he/she has passed on [08:57]
• How to address the fear of losing loved ones [12:10]
• Loving our parents (and loved ones) start today [12:47]
• Showing love doesn’t have to be materialistic [13:45]
• Lag time when you try to improve your relationship with your parents [14:33]
• We should not take life for granted [14:58]
• Create a list of things start loving and appreciating your parents (or loved ones) — starting today [16:21]

Listen to the podcast via my online player , Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , TuneIn , Amazon Music , or subscribe directly to my RSS feed .

If you've found The Personal Excellence Podcast useful, I'd really appreciate it if you can  leave an honest rating and review on iTunes . Your review makes a difference and will help spread the message of conscious living to the world. Thank you!

I’m Scared of Losing My Parents. What Should I Do? [Transcript]

Welcome to The Personal Excellence Podcast. The show that’s all about helping you be your best self and live your best life. Now, your host, Celestine Chua!

Celestine Chua: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Personal Excellence Podcast Episode 4. I’m Celestine Chua from PersonalExcellence.co.

So thank you so much for listening today. I hope you are having a wonderful day. It’s Wednesday here right now and I’m just looking forward to speaking to you guys.

Today we have a question from Sumedha, who wants to know how to deal with the fear of losing our parents. Well, let’s hear from her first.

Hi Celestine, I’m Sumedha from India. I’m 17 years old. I’ve been reading articles for the past one year. I really find them genuinely useful as I can relate to most of what you faced in your life to my current scenario. My question today is lately, I’m getting too emotional on my fear of losing my parents one day. I just get stricken by a strong sense of guilt that I’m not doing anything to give back to them and I owe them a lot. I’m too attached to them and I just can’t help myself get past this feeling and I end up digging it deep into my mind. I know they’re doing a lot for me and I’m grateful to that. But this feeling just gets too much for me. So I would be really thankful to you if you can help me get over this feeling. Thank you so much.

Hey Sumedha, thank you so much for your question. A very very heartfelt question and I really appreciate how open you are.

Well, I want to say first that your question just speaks volumes about how much you love your parents and how filial you really are. Because I can hear this strong sense of emotions coming through as you were speaking just now.

I totally understand the fear of losing your parents because for most of us, our parents raised us. They are and have been a big part of our lives. For some of us, it’s the first 18 years of our lives; for the others, it could well be the whole of our lives especially those of us in living in Asian cultures.

So losing our parents is definitely a very real fear. And I personally can understand, in that losing my parents as a real possibility that I need to prepare for. Something to realize especially in the past one year. Besides the fact that all of us will die one day, it’s also that my parents are now older. I’m now 31 turning 32 (as of 2016), so my parents are in the 60s, they are not getting any younger.

With old age comes the fact that they are not as fit or healthy as before. Especially my mom — I’ve not mentioned this anywhere, but my mom was diagnosed with cancer last year. Everything’s fine now, like she’s going through treatment and so on. So everything is going great. It really helps that she’s optimistic. She’s incredibly independent and she just brushes off the whole issue as if it’s no big deal. It really makes things easier for us.

But it also brought home this message that maybe there isn’t going to be a lot of time left with my parents and it’s really important that I make the best out of the time that I have with them now.

Death is a Reality

So, the first thing is to know that death is a reality. In that one day, you are going to die. So am I, I’m gonna die as well.

This is the same for our parents if your parents are still around. For those of you whose parents aren’t, I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. And you probably can empathize more than anyone else the things that we’re talking about right now.

For some of us, our grandparents aren’t even around anymore. For me, all my grandparents have already passed on except for one of my grandmothers.

So the fact is we are all going to die. And I don’t this as a sad thing as much as it is simply part and parcel of life, if it makes sense?

Because for there to be life, there has to be death . For an organism, in order for it to live, it will have to experience death. That is part of the beauty and the nature of living.

So I don’t really think that’s a need to resist the idea or the notion of death as much as understanding it’s part of our being, like just being here on Earth.

And it’s the same for our loved ones as well. If our loved one is to pass on, it’s not really about resisting this idea as much as understanding that this is part of the entire package when we were brought to this Earth. As opposed to feeling negative about it, I think it’s about how can we make the best of it.

This brings to my second point which  the key point here isn’t about how can we get rid of the fear , even though that’s not really why you’re asking Sumedha. I don’t really think the key point here is about how we get rid of the fear that surrounds death or death of our parents or how can we detach ourselves from this fear.

Because our parents will die one day as will us. When you love someone, that will naturally be the fear of losing them. I don’t really think it’s about detaching yourself from this fear as much as you asking yourself, “How can I make the best out of my time with them while we are alive?”

Two key reasons for fear/guilt of losing our loved ones

I see the majority of this fear surrounding the death of our loved ones, it comes down to two things:

• Regretting not loving them or not expressing our love for them, our appreciation for them while they were alive.
• Being at a loss, not knowing what we are going to do or what’s going to become of us when our parents pass on. That we’ll be alone in this world without the very people who raised us, who brought us to this Earth.

Let me tackle the second factor first, then the first factor.

Reader Kimberly’s Loss

There was this course participant and longtime reader Kimberly who sent in this Ask Celes letter a couple of years back. Some of you might have read that post before. It’s at  personalexcellence.co/blog/loss-of-loved-ones/

So Kim’s father passed away unexpectedly and she was at a loss. This was when she sent in the Ask Celes letter. She wanted to ask me what she should do because she felt that her dad had been this great supporter and inspiration to her, and one of the closest persons in her life up until his passing. She just didn’t know what to do.

In that post, I talked to her about several things and you can read the post in detail for that. But mainly what I mentioned was that just because your dad has passed away doesn’t mean that he isn’t around. This depends on your own spiritual or religious beliefs, but I personally believe that we are souls and we live on forever. Physical death is merely the ending of one part of our existence. Our souls live beyond that. So depending on what you believe, I personally believe that her dad is still around and is well possibly still with her in spirit.

The second thing is, say you don’t believe in spiritual existence or you focus on the fact that your loved one isn’t around anymore. Just because someone dear to you has passed on doesn’t mean that the person’s existence shouldn’t be a part of your life, if it makes any sense. You can still cherish that person’s existence and the impact he/she has made in your life before, by carrying on the messages that you remember from him or her.

For example, in Kim’s case, I told her that she can still uphold her dad’s spirit. Continuing to be inspired by him. And that just because your loved one, parent, or parents have passed on does not mean that they should stop being a motivator in your life. They can still be. You can carry on your values, their teachings, whatever they told you before, their love for you. Carrying that on in your own way and spreading that to the people you meet, the people who are in your lives. So in essence, your parents still live on in you, in spirit.

The other thing I told Kim is that beyond being inspired and motivated by her dad — which is a fantastic thing — it’s important that she learns to live on for herself .

Her dad might have ignited in her about her goals, her dreams, but ultimately that is the catalyst to her finding herself and learning how to live for herself. Creating the life that she loves for herself and for the people around her (at that point she just had a baby).

So that was the cliff notes of the article and you can read more at that link. Kim read it and after about one year three months, she replied to me. She told me how things have been really good for her. She is now an editor of a monthly “Good News” newspaper in her town. She has doubled her income. She’s spending all the time pursuing her passion, doing what she loves in photography and in writing. Meeting people who truly inspire her and being excited about her work. Also, her daughter is already two, and she is continually inspired by her every single day. Basically, she is living life on her terms and living her true path. Reading that I was so excited and happy for her.

The key thing that I want to say here is that sometimes we may be fearful of losing our loved ones or our parents. It can be because we do not know how life would be after they are gone. The most important thing is to know that you can continue to carry on their existence in spirit and to honor who they are, as well as to know that you will be fine at the end of the day.

Because your parents brought you to Earth for a reason. Because they know that you are going to make it. That you are going to be this fighter. And you’re going to be spreading light to this entire world. And that’s why your parents had you. That’s why they brought you into this world.

Loving our parents start today

Getting to the first point that I was mentioning just now, about regretting not loving our parents, regretting not appreciating them while they are alive. This is a very real concern. Sometimes we can be so inundated with all the different concerns, the objectives, the pressures of daily living that we can forget about the things that are most precious to us. In this case, it would be our parents or our loved ones.

I feel here it’s about realizing that showing love for our parents and being there for our parents, it doesn’t have to and shouldn’t wait till they are gone, if you know what I mean? We do not need to wait until our parents have died and for us to be crying and regretting what we should’ve done or shouldn’t have done. Loving our parents and showing love and appreciating them, it can happen today.

To Sumedha and all of you out there who may be feeling fearful of losing your parents or loved ones, I feel that a chunk of this fear may simply come down to you feeling that you are not doing as much as you wish for them . My point to you is that it can all start now. It doesn’t have to wait until a few months or a few years later. Or when you feel that you’re ready.

It also doesn’t have to come in the form of gifts, monetary goods, giving them a big house, or buying them a car. It doesn’t have to be something materialistic. It can just simply be you being there, you spending more time with them. And I can tell you for sure that they are going to appreciate that. They are going to appreciate the fact that you are being there for them.

Sometimes it may not come through right away, especially let’s say you’ve had a period of baggage with your parents. Maybe years of conflict and I know some of you have that.

So let’s say you suddenly turn things around and start contacting them out of the blue or start interacting with them more openly after a period of not doing so. Sometimes there’s a lag time. Maybe they will respond negatively or they will respond nonchalantly or wonder, What the heck are you trying to do? This was what I experienced in the past when I was trying to improve my relationship with my parents .

But in a matter of time, they will start to see what you’re doing, as well as appreciate what you are trying to do here, even if it may not be spoken.

So to you Sumedha, you are 17. You’re so young. I do not know how old your parents are and it doesn’t even matter how old your parents are, to be honest. Because we should not take life for granted. Because any one of us can just disappear and die tomorrow.

The key point I want to mention here is that your parents have not passed away yet. Every moment you feel fearful of them passing on or them not being around anymore, it’s not being in the moment because your parents have not passed away yet!

As long as you are worrying and fearful that they are not around, you’re just putting yourself in this future potential state which is not even here! As opposed to focusing on the fact that your parents are alive, well, with you and asking yourself, “What can I do with them?” and “What can I do for them out of my love for them?”

I would recommend to focus on loving them right now today, every day, in your best own capacity. Not loving them because you have to. But loving them because you want to. As opposed to worrying about what to do, when/if they die because they are not dead yet. The point is that they are still around, they are still with you.

1) Things you want to tell your parents

So I’d recommend, to all of you listening right now, brainstorm and come up with a list. This list should comprise two things:

The first thing is, t hink about what are the things that you have always wanted to tell your parents but you haven’t. This can be something like I love you. I know can sound insane especially for those of us living in the Asian culture. I know if I say “I love you” to my parents they’ll think I’m nuts and I’ve gone wonky.

So what I do instead when I try to say I love you to them, is that I present it in the way that they will understand. This can be in terms of the common lingo that’s used in my family is, “Have you eaten? Have you eaten dinner? Have you had lunch?” This is the common lingo in my family that expresses concern. Now obviously, it can be different from family to family.

Of course, just simply spending time. Let’s say my dad is in the living room and watching TV. For me just sitting there and I can be doing my own work but just having this time together. We might not be talking because my dad isn’t someone who talks a lot. So just spending time with him is my way of expressing love to him which I feel he understands as well.

For my mom, my mom is more articulate. So I make a point to try to call her once a week or once every few days to check on things, how she is doing. I try to go back home as much as possible. But I’m now married and living my own place which is quite far away from where I used to live with my parents. So calling her and this is something I did not do in the past. But over the years it just came naturally. In the past, I would think this is bizarre and strange to just be talking to my mom on the phone. But now we can even be talking for several minutes, 10 minutes, which is long considering we used to not talk. Whereas in the past, it would be like me screaming and shouting and all of us just shouting at each other and that.

2) Things you want to do with them, for them

So that’s the first thing. Think about things you want to tell your parents. The second thing is to think about the things you want to do with your parents and for them .

The best way to imagine this is to think about the day when your parents pass on. When that happens, what you wish to have done with them, for them? For me, it is my wish to bring my parents on a vacation. Well, it has not materialized at all because my parents simply do not believe in traveling overseas. They simply think that it is a waste of money. And I totally understand and respect that. So my parents are extremely frugal. We come from a low-income family and these views helped shape me and make me someone who is prudent about her expenditures and careful with money and I totally appreciate that. But I also hope that one day,  I’ll be able to bring them on a vacation, when they are ready to, when they wish to. And of course when my mom is better and she finishes her cancer treatment and so on.

So that is something that I have in mind when that time comes. But in the meantime before that happens, nowadays I would every few months suggest that all of us, like the whole family — my brother and his girlfriend, and me and Ken and my parents — that we just go out and have a meal. This is something that my parents value. They regard going out for a meal as a celebratory event. So that is something that is in line with their language of love.

So that’s for me. How about for you? What are the things that you want to do with your parents and for them?

Now is the time

For these two particular things, (a) things you want to tell your parents and (b) things you want to do with your parents or for them, think about how you can start working on that right now . Not like a few years down the road or whatever unless there are certain circumstances that you need to put this thing off.

For the things that you are able to act on right now, how can you make that happen right now? Think of this as a natural expression of your love to your parents and then working it as part of your regular routine and your regular self in terms of your interactions with them.

I believe that as you do that more and more, expressing your love — through actions, through words, through the time that you spend with them — you may well find that the fear of losing our parents starts to reduce. That’s because you are now truly embracing and bringing your relationship with your parents higher and higher, to the level it can be. Whereas previously, the fear might have been from a pent-up regret that you may well not get to do/say the things that you want to your parents when they pass on. Now you are actually taking action on this.

Instead of fearing when they pass on, you are appreciating and finding joy and love in the time that you spend with them. And this is the key point here. Not to immerse yourself in guilt, regret or fear, but to immerse yourself in the love you have for parents. Because I believe that part of that fear is stemming from how much you really love them. And then to let this love flourish. Let them know how much you love them. Don’t wait for a later time because sometimes this later time may well not come. And I truly hope that your relationship with your parents will flourish to its highest level. :)

Closing Note

So keep me posted on how things go Sumedha. To all of you listening to this, whether your parents are with you or not, I truly believe that our loved ones are with us in spirit, even if they might have left the Earth. So I hope this message gets out to anyone when needs to hear this today.

If you find the podcast helpful in any way, I would really appreciate it if you could give us a great rating on iTunes. That would really support the show and help us reach more people.

So thank you so much for listening. And I look forward to speaking to you guys in the next episode. Bye guys!

Endnote:  Thanks for listening to The Personal Excellence Podcast! For more tips on how to live your best life, visit www.personalexcellence.co

Related Resources:

• ‘My Father Just Passed Away and It Seems Pointless that He Isn’t Around Anymore. What Should I Do?’
• How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents  (series)
• How To Overcome the Fear of Losing Loved Ones

(Image: Lana K )

Hi, I’m Celes. Thanks for reading. Personal Excellence is where I write about how to live our best life as we tackle life’s challenges.  About Me »

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Essays About Losing a Loved One: Top 5 Examples

Writing essays about losing a loved one can be challenging; discover our helpful guide with essay examples and writing prompts to help you begin writing. 

One of the most basic facts of life is that it is unpredictable. Nothing on this earth is permanent, and any one of us can pass away in the blink of an eye. But unfortunately, they leave behind many family members and friends who will miss them very much whenever someone dies.

The most devastating news can ruin our best days, affecting us negatively for the next few months and years. When we lose a loved one, we also lose a part of ourselves. Even if the loss can make you feel hopeless at times, finding ways to cope healthily, distract yourself, and move on while still honoring and remembering the deceased is essential.

5 Top Essay Examples

1. losing a loved one by louis barker, 2. personal reflections on coping and loss by adrian furnham , 3. losing my mom helped me become a better parent by trish mann, 4. reflection – dealing with grief and loss by joe joyce.

• 5. ​​Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

1. Is Resilience Glorified in Society?

2. how to cope with a loss, 3. reflection on losing a loved one, 4. the stages of grief, 5. the circle of life, 6. how different cultures commemorate losing a loved one.

“I managed to keep my cool until I realized why I was seeing these familiar faces. Once the service started I managed to keep my emotions in tack until I saw my grandmother break down. I could not even look up at her because I thought about how I would feel in the same situation. Your life can change drastically at any moment. Do not take life or the people that you love for granted, you are only here once.”

Barker reflects on how he found out his uncle had passed away. The writer describes the events leading up to the discovery, contrasting the relaxed, cheerful mood and setting that enveloped the house with the feelings of shock, dread, and devastation that he and his family felt once they heard. He also recalls his family members’ different emotions and mannerisms at the memorial service and funeral. 

“Most people like to believe that they live in a just, orderly and stable world where good wins out in the end. But what if things really are random? Counselors and therapists talk about the grief process and grief stages. Given that nearly all of us have experienced major loss and observed it in others, might one expect that people would be relatively sophisticated in helping the grieving?”

Furnham, a psychologist, discusses the stages of grief and proposes six different responses to finding out about one’s loss or suffering: avoidance, brief encounters, miracle cures, real listeners, practical help, and “giving no quarter.” He discusses this in the context of his wife’s breast cancer diagnosis, after which many people displayed these responses. Finally, Furnham mentions the irony that although we have all experienced and observed losing a loved one, no one can help others grieve perfectly.

“When I look in the mirror, I see my mom looking back at me from coffee-colored eyes under the oh-so-familiar crease of her eyelid. She is still here in me. Death does not take what we do not relinquish. I have no doubt she is sitting beside me when I am at my lowest telling me, ‘You can do this. You got this. I believe in you.’”

In Mann’s essay, she tries to see the bright side of her loss; despite the anguish she experienced due to her mother’s passing. Expectedly, she was incredibly depressed and had difficulty accepting that her mom was gone. But, on the other hand, she began to channel her mom into parenting her children, evoking the happy memories they once shared. She is also amused to see the parallels between her and her kids with her and her mother growing up. 

“Now I understood that these feelings must be allowed expression for as long as a person needs. I realized that the “don’t cry” I had spoken on many occasions in the past was not of much help to grieving persons, and that when I had used those words I had been expressing more my own discomfort with feelings of grief and loss than paying attention to the need of mourners to express them.”

Joyce, a priest, writes about the time he witnessed the passing of his cousin on his deathbed. Having experienced this loss right as it happened, he was understandably shaken and realized that all his preachings of “don’t cry” were unrealistic. He compares this instance to a funeral he attended in Pakistan, recalling the importance of letting grief take its course while not allowing it to consume you. 

5. ​​ Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

“Death. It’s certain. And we can’t do anything about that. In fact, we are not in control of many of the difficult circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. And I choose to honor their memory.”

Peterson discusses how she feels when she has to commemorate the anniversary of losing a loved one. She recalls the tragic deaths of her sister, two brothers, and granddaughter and describes her guilt and anger. Finally, she prays to God, asking him to help her; because of a combination of prayer and self-reflection, she can look back on these times with peace and hope that they will reunite one day. 

6 Thought-Provoking Writing Prompts on Essays About Losing A Loved One

Society tends to praise those who show resilience and strength, especially in times of struggle, such as losing a loved one. However, praising a person’s resilience can prevent them from feeling the pain of loss and grief. This essay explores how glorifying resilience can prevent a person from healing from painful events. Be sure to include examples of this issue in society and your own experiences, if applicable.

Loss is always tricky, especially involving someone close to your heart. Reflect on your personal experiences and how you overcame your grief for an effective essay. Create an essay to guide readers on how to cope with loss. If you can’t pull ideas from your own experiences, research and read other people’s experiences with overcoming loss in life.

If you have experienced losing a loved one, use this essay to describe how it made you feel. Discuss how you reacted to this loss and how it has impacted who you are today. Writing an essay like this may be sensitive for many. If you don’t feel comfortable with this topic, you can write about and analyze the loss of a loved one in a book, movie, or TV show you have seen. 

When we lose a loved one, grief is expected. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Discuss each one and how they all connect. You can write a compelling essay by including examples of how the different stages are manifested in books, television, and maybe even your own experiences. 

Death is often regarded as a part of a so-called “circle of life,” most famously shown through the film, The Lion King . In summary, it explains that life goes on and always ends with death. For an intriguing essay topic, reflect on this phrase and discuss what it means to you in the context of losing a loved one. For example, perhaps keeping this in mind can help you cope with the loss. 

Different cultures have different traditions, affected by geography, religion, and history. Funerals are no exception to this; in your essay, research how different cultures honor their deceased and compare and contrast them. No matter how different they may seem, try finding one or two similarities between your chosen traditions. 

If you’d like to learn more, our writer explains how to write an argumentative essay in this guide.For help picking your next essay topic, check out our 20 engaging essay topics about family .

Martin is an avid writer specializing in editing and proofreading. He also enjoys literary analysis and writing about food and travel.

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My Mother Died When I Was 7. I’m Grieving 37 Years Later.

Delayed grief is sometimes triggered by an event later in life, experts say.

By Nicole Johnson

I’m in my basement looking for a file when I stumble upon the cards and pictures — a small manila envelope containing what is left of my mother. She died at 30 in an apartment in Van Nuys, Calif., in April 1983. I don’t even know the exact date.

My brother and I were told that her biker boyfriend, a guy named Eddie, found her dead in the shower. I was 7.

I lived with my grandparents, my state-appointed guardians in my mother’s absence, in a city 15 minutes outside of Boston. After school and on many weekends, I was also cared for by my foster mother, Esther. The state paid for her to help my grandparents. It was also the state that had removed my brother and me from the apartment we shared with my mother, Denise, just before my first birthday. Denise was an addict.

Her fall in the shower, I later learned, actually happened during a seizure brought on by constant drug use. She died of an overdose.

Back in the present, I pore over the relics: a letter my mother wrote to me and my brother, another to my grandmother just before my mother was about to enter the rehab she never made it to, a picture of her on her 21st birthday and some things from high school. The pieces of my mother’s life are spread in front of me like a mixed-up jigsaw puzzle. I wipe at my eyes, surprised to find tears. I never cry about my mother so I wonder, why now? I am a 44-year-old woman, a mother to four children. The woman I never actually called “Mom” has been dead for more than 37 years. That is longer than she was alive.

A few days later while reading an article online, I stumble across a term that’s new to me: delayed grief. It is a grief response that does not happen at the time of loss, but at some point later and is sometimes triggered by an event, like me discovering the artifacts of my mother’s life.

Hope Edelman , author of “The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss,” said that it was not surprising that meeting my mother as an adult, through her belongings, elicited a grief response. Ms. Edelman has been writing about grief for over 20 years, having lost her own mother at 17.

I read these letters when my mother initially sent them to me back in 1983 and have seen the pictures before. But the loss feels different now. I understand her death as a mother, instead of as her daughter. I understand the grief she must have felt without her children. The Strawberry Shortcake card that arrived just around the time of my birthday declared, “I love you very much.” She signed the card with two more declarations of love and X’s and O’s until she ran out of white space. I felt gutted as I read it.

“You grieved all that you could at the time,” Ms. Edelman said. “We revisit loss and make different meaning of it at different times in our lives.”

Ms. Edelman said certain milestones or life events cause complicated grief to bubble up again. Andrea Warnick , a psychotherapist based in Toronto and Guelph, Ontario, who specializes in grief therapy, refers to these as grief bursts.

Nadine Melhem, associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, has studied childhood grief related to sudden parental death. She said that the nature of the relationship with the person who died has been shown to be an important factor in how people grieve. Additional losses and ongoing stressors may trigger grief, she said, which certainly could have been part of the reason for my recent grief response.

As the world is grappling with the Covid-19 pandemic, many people are losing their loved ones without being able to be with them at the end of their lives or in some cases, even to see their bodies for a while after death. The pandemic is also affecting funeral and memorial rituals, which usually celebrate a person’s life.

Dr. Melhem said she expects complicated, or prolonged, grief reactions in a subset of those grieving a loss in the pandemic. She is conducting an online study assessing stress and grief responses among those who lost someone to Covid-19 . Among the sample of 7,353 respondents, she has found 55 percent of those who lost someone to the coronavirus reported intense grief reactions that could predict prolonged, unrelenting grief in the future. Interestingly, similar rates were reported for both adolescents and adults.

Complicating things, Ms. Edelman said, is that the initial grief process of children is colored by the way those around them handle their grief. When my mother died, my grandmother plowed through her loss by checking boxes on her to-do list. Ship body on Delta flight. Funeral mass. Thank you cards. She believed overcoming loss meant being strong.

Dr. Melhem agreed, saying that her research found the surviving parent or caregiver’s grief to be an important factor predicting children’s grief reactions as it can affect “whether there was an environment that facilitated grieving.”

Ms. Warnick said my grandmother might have been trying to protect me from grief. What I recall in the days and months following my mother’s death were my own feelings of guilt about grieving for her. If I cried for the woman who walked out on me, I was afraid the women who stayed behind to raise me, my grandmother and foster mother, would feel hurt. I also didn’t feel as though I had the right to mourn a woman I didn’t know.

My grief lacked validity. Indeed, in the early ’80s, there was typically even less support for the grieving process than there is now, especially for children.

Dr. Melhem said that when I was a child, there had not been much attention given to childhood grief in research. When she and colleagues published a study of bereaved children in 2011 , she said, not only did it address a gap in grief research, but it addressed how grief presented itself and progressed in children over time. Additionally, a study she and her colleagues published in 2018 shined a light on the impact that childhood grief can have on a child’s mental health.

We’ve come a long way when it comes to understanding and processing grief, for many kinds of losses. I finally understand the relevance of my grief in the past and in the present. I’ve allowed myself permission to grieve.

“Grief is a very healthy experience and we have every right to it,” Ms. Warnick said.

Nicole Johnson is a freelance writer who is working on a memoir about addiction, abandonment, and the pop culture that colored her GenX childhood.

Coping With Grief and Loss

Living through the loss of a loved one is a universal experience. but the ways in which we experience and deal with the pain can largely differ..

What Experts Say:   Psychotherapists say that grief is not a problem to be solved , but a process to be lived through, in whatever form it may take.

How to Help: Experiencing a sudden loss can be particularly traumatic. Here are some ways to offer your support to someone grieving.

A New Diagnosis: Prolonged grief disorder, a new entry in the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, applies to those who continue to struggle long after a loss .

The Biology of Grief: Grief isn’t only a psychological experience. It can affect the body too, but much about the effects remains a mystery .

Comforting Memories:  After a person dies, their digital scraps — text messages, emails, playlists and voicemails — are left behind. They can offer solace to their grieving families .

Grieving the Loss of a Pet:   Counseling. Grief-group sessions. The number of resources for coping with a pet’s death  has grown in recent years.

Losing a Mother at a Young Age: What it Feels Like

Losing a mother is a tragedy. Losing a mother at a young age is an even bigger tragedy. Children need their mothers more than adults.

Losing your mother when you are a child means you lose a key figure in your life. Developing into an adult without the guidance of your mother is unlike the law of nature.

But if that is the unfortunate situation you found yourself in, then you will understand the points I will discuss in this article.

Whether you lost your mother immediately you were born or while you were an infant, losing a mother before you can make independent decisions is tough.

Losing a Mother at a Young Age Effects

1. your mother not seeing your achievements.

If you lost your mother at a young age, you will always struggle with the fact that you can’t share with your mom the good moments of your life.

The success we get in life is a cake whose cream is the smile we get from our parents. Having no mother to celebrate you when you achieve success is a painful reality you get used to.

Read Also: Three Consoling gifts to Buy Someone who Lost a Mother

The pain begins during your elementary successes. One day you manage to score a 72% in your mathematics paper. You run home to celebrate with your family but in the middle of the celebration, you remember that your mother has no idea that you did well in your maths paper.

In all achievements whether small or big, you will feel the pain of your mother not being able to have a taste of your success.

The worst pain is when your achievements are huge. Once you have moved away from the childhood successes and you are into your adult life, you begin attaining huge milestones.

The bigger the milestones you achieve, the deeper the pain of your mother not being a witness you feel.

When you finally get a partner and you want to settle down, you remember your mom will never know that you found the love of your life.

You really wish the love of your life would meet your mother and have a taste of the goodness that your mother had but the sad reality is that it is impossible.

All you can do is talk to the love of your life about how awesome your mother was.

When you get your firstborn, you wish that your mom was around to celebrate a grandchild but again it is not possible.

You also wish that your child would experience the warmth of a loving grandmother but that can’t happen.

The more milestones you achieve, the worse the pain of your mother not seeing them becomes.

2. Having no Fear of Losing Loved Ones

Losing a mother at a young age is not all sad and gloom. There are upsides that we may not talk about but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

One of the upsides of losing a mother when you are young is that you easily outgrow the pain. For some reason, it is easier for a person to recover from grief if the grief happened early in their life than later.

Losing a mother will always be painful. It is worse if it happens to you when you are a child. However, years after you lost your mother as a child, you will have few memories of her.

With fewer memories, it is easier to heal.

More memories with your mom means a harder time to forget them which causes you more pain.

Those who lost their mom even before they knew what was going on will only live to hear about her and maybe see her photos.

Read Also: What to Say During your Mother’s Funeral to Honor Her

They experience pain in moderation compared to those who lose their mother when they have full knowledge that it is their mother who is dead.

Growing up knowing that your mother passed on accustoms you to tragedy. You live without fearing the day you will lose a loved one.

Having lost your mother when you are young, you know that death is a thing. Your mind knows that life goes on after the death of a loved one.

With this knowledge, you have less fear of losing a loved one compared to the average person who has not experienced death of a close family member.

The mental endurance you get for losing your mother when you are young is greatly beneficial in life.

3. Taking Early Responsibility after Losing Mother at a Young Age

Losing a mother at a young age means that taking responsibility will also come at an early age. While most children will enjoy the privilege of their parents working in the background to lay a good foundation for them, for children who lose their mother early, they have to take up some responsibilities much earlier.

Losing your mother when you are a child will force you to take responsibility of your emotions early. You may have a mother figure but of course no other woman can show you the love that your own mother would have shown you.

Other responsibilities such as finding balance in relating with women will also come earlier than for children who had their mothers while growing up.

In other words, all the lessons that children are designed to learn from their mothers, you have to learn on your own.

I have seen people who struggle with relationships just because they didn’t have a chance to relate with their mothers when they were young.

It is a sad experience to be forced to take responsibility early but then it pays off well in future if you do take responsibility.

Taking responsibility as a young person will make you be a step ahead of your peers. When other children are still playing with toys, you will be learning to wash dishes.

When other kids begin learning to wash dishes, you will be learning to take care of house expenses.

The one step ahead you have over your peers continues to your adult life. It is this advantage that may make you start seeing that losing your mother at a young age was not entirely a disaster.

You will also find that you have an easy time comforting people who lose their loved ones. Since you are used to living life without your mother, you have a firm grasp that life is still fine without a loved one.

Read Also: My Boyfriend Lost His Mother. How can I help him?

For people who are only starting out the life, it may seem impossible but then you stand in as a witness to tell them that it is possible to live a fulfilling life after losing a loved one.

Losing a Mother at a Young Age: Conclusion

Losing a mother at a young age is not anything to be celebrated but then it carries some advantages that if well utilized, can propel your life faster than the average person.

No one has a choice on when they lose their mother but everyone has a responsibility to make their lives worth living even after the loss of a mother.

If you lost your mother and you are still struggling in life because of it, it is time for you to take responsibility of your life.

It is true that you may have been disadvantaged in some areas but at the same time you had advantages in some areas.

Be positive and build an amazing life for yourself!

2 thoughts on “Losing a Mother at a Young Age: What it Feels Like”

Lost my mother at age 6 No one explained anything. Why she died or death… I struggled with relationships, friendships and family. I was extremely emotional. Cried so easily. People caught on and would bully me until I cried uncontrollably as if I were a thing that deserved to be brutualized. They had no empathy as to how I became to be overly sensitive. I can’t imagine myself abusing another person knowing full well they were still grieving and needed kindness. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror knowing I hurt a vulnrtable human being instead of reaching out. I think compassion and just simple humanity is missing in so many people. Having no mother to run to in times of need was just sheer torture. I found out later in life, she was a very cold, distant and abusive mother. I had no mother in any sense. Learning that even if she was living and was in good health, she wouldn’t be the mother I needed or wanted! I took notes after that. I took care of myself, I taught myself to be strong and open minded, I wanted to be loving with my future kids. Teaching kindness and joy. Helping others when you can and not hurting anyone in everyway possible. Many years later, I was blessed with a chance to have my own children. I am not a perfect mother but my kids and I are very close. I tell them I love them everyday even now, that they are grown. They know they are loved and they are my everything.

Wow! Sorry for what you went through. I’m glad that you found stability eventually. Your children are blessed to have a mother who tells them she loves them.

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How to Cope with the Loss of Your Mother

For many people the loss of their mother is harder than the loss of their father. Not because they loved them any less, but the bond between mother and child is a special one. Your mother gave birth to you. She fed you and nurtured you throughout your childhood. The mother is one who tends to have the most responsibility for the care of the child, and is at home with the children more often than the father in most cases.

Your mother is the one you turn to when you break up with your first boyfriend or girlfriend, when you need advice or when you have a problem. Your mother is not only your greatest advocate, she is part of you. You might even look like her. She might be your best friend as well as your mother. It is like losing a part of yourself.

No-one is ever as interested in everything you do as your mother, or as proud of you.

Grief for your mother is one of the hardest things we face in life

Mothers tend to hold families together. They are the ones who keep in touch with all the family members and spread the news around. They are the ones who arrange get togethers, keep the family home together, and generally are the hub of family life. Once the mother is gone, the family either fragments or you have to step in to her role as the main communicator and organiser.

Even if you didn't have the perfect relationship with your mother, her loss can be just as devastating. You no longer have the chance to put things right, to hear her say I love you, or I'm proud of you.

Although the loss of a parent is a normal part of growing up, and it happens to everyone, it is no less devastating. But many people are surprised at how much it affects them. Their friends and family perhaps won't realise just how big a blow it can be, especially if they were old or ill for a long time and it was expected.

Grief for the death of a mother is one of the hardest things we face in life, but nearly all of us have to face it at some time. Everyone's grief is different, and we all have our own ways of coping. We may feel some or all of the emotions of grief at times, or we might just feel numb and blank.

When I lost my own mother I went into denial.  It was easy to bury what had happened because I was living far away and had two young children to cope with.  Have a read of my story about how I failed to grieve properly here. 

The importance of support after the loss of your mother

If you are lucky enough to have a close family member or friend in whom you can confide, you may be able to grieve without needing any extra help.  Some people, for various reasons, may need some more professional guidance if they get stuck in their grief or don't have any close support network.  

Here are a few of our recommendations for getting help:

Find out if you need grief counseling here

Download a hypnosis session - Death of a Parent

How to find a grief support group

Men and women grieve differently, so be aware of this. Don't be too hard on your partner if he or she is not able to give you all the support you need. It is a difficult time for them too, and not everyone knows what to do, or what to say.

Read my article on Men and Grief for more understanding. 

However you are feeling, know that you are not alone. Talk to friends and family. Join a grief support group , but don't be ashamed that you are grieving. It is a natural and normal process, even if it happens to everyone at some point in their lives.

There are lots more helpful articles on the site to guide you on your pathway through grief.  

Related Pages:  

Books on Grief for Loss of your Mother

A Sudoku Led Recovery - The Loss of my 95 Year Old Mother

Losing the Childhood Home when Mother Died

Healing from the Loss of My Mother

This page is dedicated to Stephanie and Simone who lost their beloved mother in 2012

• Grief and Sympathy Home
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Do you feel alone and sad with no support and no idea how to move forward?  It can be tough when you are stuck in grief to find the motivation to get the most out of your precious life. 

Online counseling can help by giving you that support so you don't feel so alone. You can have someone to talk to anytime you like, a kind and understanding person who will help you to find meaning in life again, to treasure the memories of your loved one without being overwhelmed and to enjoy your activities, family and friends again.

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Hypnosis for Grief - 10 Ways It Can Help You

Try a gentle hypnotherapy track to relax the mind. Learn how self-hypnosis can help you cope with grief at any time of the day or night.  

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The 10 points are laid out like a poem on two pretty pages which you can pin on your fridge door to help you every day! 

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A Mother’s Love: Essays and Poems Exploring Grief and Loss

A folio curated by jp howard.

Regina Jamison Breena Clarke Cheryl Boyce-Taylor Sonia Jaffe Robbins Amber Flame Lynne Connor

I am writing this introductory essay to this folio exploring a mother’s love on the two year anniversary of my own mother’s passing. Two years into this great loss, I am still remembering, gathering, celebrating, mourning, and holding on to pieces of Mama. Some days she enters my poems and essays and when I turn the page, Mama is there guiding me. Other days I fear I will forget the sound of Mama’s sweet voice saying “ Hey babygirl, how was your day? ” When we lose someone who is literally a part of our heart, we continue to work through our grief and loss over time. This time of year, filled with holidays and family celebrations and gatherings, can be a trigger for those of us processing our grief, while everyone around us is going about the business of living and loving.

My own writing community, Women Writers in Bloom Poetry Salon, is filled with writers and friends who have experienced great loss these last few years. Since last December, we have lost three dear friends, all members of our Salon, poets Monica Hand, Jayne A. Pierce and Esther Louise. Each of these women were not only talented poets, but also fierce Mamas to their children. I am grateful we have their poems and our memories, yet I know that their families and our writing community will always miss them. So many of us have had to deal with the heartbreaking loss of a child, parent, spouse or significant other, either recently or years ago. As writers, it is nearly impossible for us to experience these losses without it also affecting our writing process. I have invited six amazing women writers to reflect on their own experiences with grief and loss for this special folio. These writers are all mothers; some have written about losing their own mothers, while others have written about losing their only child. Each piece is exquisite in its honesty and filled with love and often longing. By sharing the particular pain of losing a child or losing a mother and reflecting on the love that endures, each writer allows us a glimpse into their healing process.

I want to take this opportunity to praise each of our contributors to this folio. I recognize that it was an incredibly challenging and tremendously personal task. I see reflections of myself in their stories as I continue to work through my own loss and I am grateful for the gift of their words. Over time, artist Amber Flame learns to “feel” as she processes her mother’s death, “ I am choosing to feel it all, feel it deeply. ’ While novelist Breena Clarke shows us the healing power of writing as she processes her only child’s sudden death in her stunning essay “ I started to write regularly and purposefully because doing so was palliative as well as rewarding. I simply felt better, less sore. Writing was soothing. ” Poet, Cheryl Boyce-Taylor, in her extraordinary zuihitsu poem about the loss of her only child, explores how we sometimes hold fiercely onto our grief: “ I eat and eat from the table of loss finally when it’s all gone I want more / afraid to live with/without it   miss the daily discipline of tears as company / miss the scorch loss brings to my face…..” Regina Jamison’s poetry explores death as a literal disconnect: My mother’s death / severed us from her like a heavy metal door. Lynne Connor, writer, workshop facilitator and a new mother herself, moves from initial grief over her mother’s death towards affirmation, in her nuanced essay: “B ut the flip side of loss, of being lost, is acceptance. I come from the land of not enough. From shame and unknowns. But my daughter will come from full disclosure. ” Editor Sonia Jaffe Robbins learns how to be a different type of mother to her own daughter, as she reflects on how her mother walked through the world: “ From her, I learned to keep my feelings hidden even from myself. Writing helps me let them escape. I talk to my daughter in ways I never did with my mother. ” There is often a learning and a clarity that ebbs and flows over time when we lose loved ones. Thank you Cheryl, Breena, Regina, Lynne, Amber, and Sonia for allowing us on this journey with you in these remarkable contributions.

–JP Howard

JP Howard with her Mom Ruth King ~ two Leo Divas smiling

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No One Told Me I Would Lose My Identity After Becoming a Mom

Published on 6/26/2018 at 2:30 PM

I was overloaded with information during my pregnancy . Whether it was advice from friends or articles from mommy blogs , I was constantly getting a crash course in parenthood. When my daughter was born, I felt like I was as prepared as one could be for sleepless nights, diaper blowouts, and strange bodily changes . Every day was exhausting acclimating to the challenges of being a new mom. Sometime around my daughter's one-year mark, I felt another monumental shift. My head was finally above water, but I felt more lost than ever before.

The panic of losing my identity blinded me from realizing I was growing. I wasn't losing myself — I was discovering myself as a mother, learning parts of me that I never knew existed.

With my husband's support, I decided to quit my full-time job and be 100 percent present in the upbringing of our child. I envisioned being a supermom — taking care of her tribe, expertly multitasking between diaper changes, feedings, and play dates, and still making time for myself. That dream quickly blew up in my face as I continued to struggle with motherhood . I had been career-focused for so long that it defined me. I found self-worth through the title of my position, the income I made, and the bonuses and promotions I earned. I swapped photo shoots and fashion shows for pee-wee playtime, and as selfish as it might sound, it was a big blow to my ego. I felt bad for daydreaming about my past life, wishing for just one day where I could "be myself" again. I knew I didn't want to go back to work, so I questioned why I felt this way.

The panic of losing my identity blinded me from realizing I was growing. I wasn't losing myself — I was discovering myself as a mother, learning parts of me that I never knew existed. I remember a time when my daughter went through a series of ear infections. The only way she would sleep was in my arms. I held her endlessly for hours. My arms felt like they were on fire, but I carried her with relentless strength and patience. She brought out the best in me. I no longer fear the changes happening and strive to meet days of anxiety and confusion with peace.

My journey of motherhood has so far been a precarious balancing act maintaining my needs, interests, and relationships — all while providing a loving, enriching environment for my daughter. There are times when I miss happy hours and long hot showers, but the growth I've witnessed from both myself and my daughter during this tender stage of her life is something I will never regret experiencing.

• Personal Essay

Home — Essay Samples — Life — Parents — The Loss Of Parents as the Biggest Fear in Life

My Greatest Fear is Losing My Family

• Categories: Fear Parents

About this sample

Words: 501 |

Published: Jun 6, 2019

Words: 501 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Works Cited

• Amato, P. R. (2001). Children of divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355-370.
• Anderson, A., & Sabatelli, R. M. (2006). Parent-Child Relationships in Single-Parent Families: Implications for School Counselors. Journal of School Counseling, 4(30), 1-31.
• Cherlin, A. J. (2009). The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today. Vintage.
• Grych, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (1992). Marital Conflict and Children's Adjustment: A Cognitive-Contextual Framework. Psychological Bulletin, 111(2), 267-290.
• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's Adjustment Following Divorce: Risk and Resilience Perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
• Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental Divorce and Children's Adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140-152.
• McLanahan, S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). Growing Up with a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps. Harvard University Press.
• Sandler, I. N., Miles, J., Cookston, J. T., & Braver, S. L. (2008). Effects of father and mother parenting on children's mental health in high- and low-conflict divorces. Family Court Review, 46(2), 282-296.
• Sun, Y., Li, Y., & Wang, Y. (2021). Parental divorce and children's mental health: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(5), 501-512.
• Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.

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Medical emergency led to fatal Westerville crash, emergency C- section to save baby

A medical issue led to a fatal, two-vehicle crash Friday that killed a grandmother and injured four others, including a pregnant woman whose baby had to be delivered by emergency C-section, according to a traffic report released Tuesday afternoon by Westerville police.

Debra Harris, 66, the driver of one of the vehicles, died at Mount Carmel St. Ann's Hospital after the crash, which occured just after 2:10 p.m. Friday on North Cleveland Avenue just south of Polaris Parkway, about two miles east of Polaris Fashion Place and Interstate 71 . Two of Harris' grandsons were passengers in her vehicle and among the four injured in the crash: 14-year-old Darius Harris and 6-year-old Brannon Russell.

Read More: Are deadly wrong-way crashes on the rise in Ohio? Here's what we know, what's being done

Harris was transported in critical condition to Mount Carmel St. Ann's Hospital, where she later died. Brannon and Darius were seriously injured and taken to Nationwide Children's Hospital. Darius suffered injuries to his head and right arm, while his younger brother, Brannon, sustained injuries to his right cheek, hip, and right foot, including some fractures, police said.

According to the Westerville police report released Tuesday afternoon, Harris had her two grandsons with her and was on her way to a doctor's office while driving a 2018 Chevrolet Equinox SUV north on North Cleveland Avenue when Darius Harris told police his grandmother said she was having an asthma attack and panic attack.

Debra Harris went to grab her inhaler when she dropped it, Darius, who was riding in the right front passenger seat, told police. Debra Harris told him to grab her inhaler while Darius was telling her repeatedly to pull over, he told police. While he was trying to get the inhaler, Darius told police the SUV seemed to speed up, went off the right side of the road and hit a sign and then crossed the centerline and crashed into a 2006 Chevrolet Uplander minivan traveling southbound on North Cleveland Avenue.

The minivan was being driven by Shesney Hughes, who was pregnant and had her 2-year-old son in the vehicle with her. Westerville firefighters had to extricate Hughes out of the vehicle, and they transported her to OhioHealth Riverside Methodist Hospital. The report states that Hughes had to undergo an emergency C-section before she was taken to an emergency room to deal with bruising to her abdomen and fractures to her left arm and leg.

Her baby, Cairo, who was born six weeks prematurely, was taken to Nationwide Children's Hospital in critical but stable condition.

A fundraiser is being conducted on GoFundMe for Shesney Hughes to help her and her children with expenses.

A terrible phone call

Brittney Harris, 38, of Worthington, was in disbelief when she received a phone call at work that her two sons and her mother had been in a serious car accident. But she could tell by Darius' voice that something was seriously wrong.

Brittney Harris told The Dispatch on Monday that she is still processing the crash and losing her mother, whom she described as her "best friend."

"It's just really hard to process. Anyone who knows me knows that my mother and I were close," said Harris. "I'm just running on autopilot."

Harris said that her two sons seem to be finding a routine as they recover from their injuries at Nationwide Children's Hospital. A GoFundMe has been set up to help the family as they begin their recovery process.

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Single mom issues dire warning after losing over $500 to ‘elaborate’ clothing brand scam: ‘i feel so drained’.

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A single mom and micro-influencer has issued an urgent warning about just how “elaborate” scammers have become after she was swindled out of hundreds of dollars from a fake clothing collaboration.

Australian fashion student Parker Jane said she “never” thought she would fall for a scam, but the 22-year-old revealed on TikTok she had been scammed out of over $526 after she was tricked into thinking she had secured a collaboration deal with UK-based online fashion retailer, Boohoo.

“I feel so drained about this whole situation but I want to share it, not for sympathy, but to spread awareness so that it doesn’t happen to anyone else,” she said in a recent TikTok video, which has amassed over 70,000 views.

“Scammers really do thrive and prey on your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities.”

In the video, the mom said she received an email from who she believed was Boohoo’s PR team in late December offering her a collaboration deal.

Under the deal, Ms. Jane would be sent a number of clothing items per month and be paid for each social media post she shared about the items.

“I was so excited, this was my first big collaboration with a brand that I love. It was paid and I was absolutely stoked,” she said.

“(I’m) also a single mom so the idea of being able to chase my passion and do what I love while earning money to support me and my son was huge for me.”

Speaking to news.com.au, Ms. Jane said the scammers went to extreme lengths to convince her she had received a legitimate brand offer.

“The email appeared so genuine with the clear Boohoo logo and wording … that I truly didn’t suspect anything.”

The scammers also sent Ms. Jane an “authentic-looking” contract to sign.

While Ms. Jane now admits she should have had a lawyer check over the contract, she stressed there weren’t any alarm bells that “anything was fishy or not quite right at the start”.

The contact simply included one condition – Ms. Jane had to pay a $125 one-time fee to cover the first round of shipping.

It was a cost she said she was “happy” to pay.

“I felt like this is an investment, I’m going to see this money come back. And also this is a brand I love,” she explained in the video.

She also felt the deal was legitimate as she had received communication from the PR team – falsely claiming to be Boohoo – as well as a separate shipping company.

However, after paying the fee and receiving a tracking number, Ms. Jane received another email weeks later informing her she needed to pay more money.

This time the scammers claimed they required a $125 “clearance fee” for the items.

“I know you often have to pay fees for customs so this wasn’t bizarre to me (so) I paid it,” she said in the video.

After a few more weeks of silence, she received another email from the shipping company informing her the items had been cleared.

But she was told they required another payment for the items to be processed before being shipped.

Ms. Jane said she questioned the additional fee and sent the company a number of emails.

But she kept receiving the same “generic email” in response, reiterating she needed to pay the processing fee.

“I know I should have gotten to a point where I should have refused to pay any more money and really questioned it harder but because I had signed a contract and because I am a bit naive, I was really scared that if I didn’t pay these fees I would be violating a contact that I had signed,” she explained.

Ms. Jane paid the fee, having been reassured all the shipping costs would eventually be refunded after she received the items.

However, after a few more weeks of being “ghosted”, she finally received an email from the scammers requesting that she pay over $131 after there was a delay in paying her last fee.

The money, they claimed, would be required to move the items out of a “permanent hold” at the customs warehouse.

“At this point, I’m so frustrated, I’ve had enough, I just wanted these items to me.”

After questioning the scammers a number of times, Ms Jane was eventually convinced to pay the fee.

The company confirmed it was the final payment required and the items would be successfully delivered.

But after making the payment, Ms. Jane didn’t hear anything from the shipping company for close to a month.

When she checked the tracking details they had supplied, she found both the tracking number and shipping link had expired.

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“My alarm bells really start(ed) going off at this point.”

She then received another email claiming she needed to pay more money.

But by this point, Ms. Jane was “done”.

The 22-year-old reached out to Boohoo’s customer support team, who quickly responded informing her they were launching an investigation.

Two days later, they delivered the unfortunate news that they believe the emails and transactions were fraudulent.

They also confirmed there was no evidence of a collaboration agreement on their end, and the emails Ms. Jane received were not sent from their official marketing team email.

Ms. Jane said her “heart dropped” realizing she had been scammed out of $546.

“I was devastated, angry and also incredibly embarrassed,” she told news.com.au.

“As a single mom, it’s devastating to think about how much I put into it and have now lost.”

Looking back, she said she wished she would have trusted her gut when she felt something wasn’t right.

“I questioned my own intelligence for weeks following finding out it was a scam and felt so angry at myself for not picking up on the red flags sooner and trusting my intuition.”

“I am still incredibly angry that there are people out there who thrive off taking advantage of young people, old people and single parents.”

Ms. Jane has launched a dispute with her bank over the fraudulent transactions but the matter is still being investigated.

She is also planning on filing a police report.

However, she has come to terms she may never receive the money back.

Ms. Jane urged others to trust your gut and to reach out to companies if you think you may be getting scammed.

“This is proof that it can happen to anyone, it can happen to individuals like me that are active on social media and digitally aware. Scammers are getting more and more calculated and elaborate as time goes on so after this experience … Scammers will build entire websites, tracking numbers, links etc. and go the full lengths to make the scam appear as legitimate as possible.”

“I truly believe you can never be too careful.”

Boohoo, who are in no way involved in the scam, declined to comment when contacted by news.com.au.

Anyone with concerns are encouraged to contact their customer services team directly.

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