disappointing experience essay

My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It

• by Celes     |    
• Filed in Emotional Mastery
• , About Celes

This is the  last part  of a 4-part series on how to deal with disappointment.

• Part 1 :  3 Reasons Why Disappointment Is Good
• Part 2 :  Are You Letting Your Disappointments Destroy You?
• Part 3 :  How to Deal With Disappointment
• Part 4 : My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It

(Image: Geir Yngve Tro )

(This post was published in January 2009, one month after I started Personal Excellence.)

Whenever I write my articles, I draw inspiration from the events that are unfolding in my life. This one is no different. Here, I will be sharing a past experience with disappointment which led to my lessons in this disappointment series . My purpose of sharing this is for you to benefit from my experience. As you read, see if you can draw any parallels between what I went through and what you are going through now.

Beginning of a Journey: Hopes and Expectations

In Oct 2008, I left my full-time job to pursue my passion to help others grow .

Before I quit, I had a clear vision of my end goal. I decided that I wanted to start a personal development business , and this would involve using different mediums to reach out to others, such as being a coach, blogger, and speaker. This site would be the first step in my plans.

I gave myself a 6-month period to focus on pursuing my purpose (where I would live off my savings), and see where it would take me. Depending on how things go at the end of the 6 months, I would either continue to pursue it full time, or return to corporate (for a few more years) and pursue my purpose at the side.

In my mind though, I was secretly hoping that everything would work out and I could do this full time.

A State of Happiness and Fulfillment

Life pursuing my purpose was  phenomenal . For the first time, I could dedicate my full attention to my goals and dreams without conflicting demands from my day job.

Just imagine waking up every morning and  doing anything you like . I’ve always been enthusiastic about life, but after leaving my day job to start my business, I was literally bouncing around every day in exuberance. :D My friends can attest to this! In  my purpose series , I repeatedly mention how passionate I am about my purpose and how much it drives me. The feeling is incredible, unlike anything I have felt before.

Conflicting Demands of Reality

However, after a few weeks of working on my goal, I realized that 6 months was not going to be enough for things to take off. For starters, I would need to establish a high level of awareness for my business. I would also need to build credibility and expertise for my skills as a coach and trainer.

By simply being 24 years old, people would naturally cast doubt on my ability, even though I have the skills to give value to others. Awareness, credibility, and expertise take time to build, and 6 months is not a reasonable time frame.  In fact, 2 months had passed while I was working on my plans, before launching my business in Dec 2008. Studies have shown that it takes at least 18 months before a blog fully takes off. This lead time doesn’t factor in the ability to make a living from your blog.

In the meantime, I had other issues to deal with. For example, financial limitation . While I could live each day frugally, I was limited in many decisions and they were all  tied to money .

• When my friends suggested taking a holiday trip, I opted out due to the cost.
• Whenever I went out, I would be conscious of how I spent my money.
• I started reducing / cutting out all expenses where possible, such as on clothes, more costly dining choices, transportation (I started religiously taking the public transport vs. cab), entertainment (movies, social activities that cost money), etc. I also noticed that I would unconsciously flinch whenever money was involved.

This was a stark contrast from my usual self when working in corporate. I was by no means a spendthrift, but I never allowed myself to be held back by money. That’s because I always feel that money should be a means, not an end , and I don’t like money to hinder me in my decision making, especially regarding protecting my needs and well-being.

There is also my family. I need to support my family.  Here in Singapore, it is common to give a monthly allowance to your parents after you start working. After leaving my job, I stopped giving them money — this was meant to be temporary until I started earning money. By the way, I come from a low-income family — my pay in my previous job was more than double the combined pay of my parents. Quitting my job meant cutting off a key income source in the household. While my parents were supportive of my decision to quit, it was always in my plans to reinstate some level of my income within 6 months of quitting, one way or another.

The money issues did not end there. As part of my plans to be a coach, I researched taking a formal coaching course to solidify my coaching skills. After checking the courses available, they cost at least four grand and above. Considering I’m not earning anything, this is a sizable sum of money. I wasn’t sure about investing so much in a course I didn’t know much about, and whether it would have any effect on my new career.

All in all, my key issues seemed to revolve around money .

Contemplation, and Decision

In November 2008, I laid out all my options and narrowed them to two:

• Return to corporate at the end of the 6 months and run my personal development business at the side, until it is established enough to be run full time.
• Focus fully on running my personal development business, with the faith that I would start earning sufficient money within two years (I would be out of savings by then).

I assessed the two options.

Option 1 seemed  more realistic and logical . With this, I would no longer be bound by monetary constraints. But if I return to the workforce, I would not have as much time for my blog and coaching. The nature of my corporate work is highly demanding and time consuming; in the past I was constantly traveling and spending late nights, sometimes weekends, working. I would likely be miserable if I return to corporate.

Option 2, on the other hand, is emotionally rewarding since I would continue to pursue my purpose full time. However, it would be  financially risky . Not only would I still be facing the same financial limitations, but I would be banking my life on the success of my business within a certain time frame. What if I can’t earn money after a year? What if it takes longer than a year for things to fully take off? I would be scrambling to secure my basic needs then.

When I looked within for answers, the idealist in me screamed to go for Option 2. Just throw everything you got and everything will turn out fine! This is what you truly want and it’s what makes you the happiest!

My logical side advised me that Option 1 was the better choice. If you want to help people grow, you need to secure your needs first. How can you be of service otherwise?

It tore me apart, to have the decision essentially boil down to between these two things: purpose or money.

For money to be  the single pressing concern as I pursued my purpose — it was a bitter irony. Instead of focusing on living my purpose and letting the money flow in in its own time and space, I felt pressurized to identify ways to earn money through it. By tying a monetary value to my purpose, I felt like I was making a travesty out of it. I hated being caught in a situation where I had to keep thinking about money, when I was pursuing something much higher in value than that. I felt really frustrated.

Eventually, I asked myself the deal-breaker question: “ Which option would ensure the long-term success of my pursuit? Which option would guarantee that I would successfully pursue my purpose in the long run? ” When I thought about it in this manner, it is clear that Option 1 is the winner.

A State of Deep Disappointment

When I came to the realization, a feeling of emptiness overcame me. When I quit my job, I was sincerely hoping to run ahead with my purpose forever. Instead, now I would have to return to a corporate career I’m no longer passionate about. I felt like I had dropped all the way down to deep, dark pit, and I was alone inside.

While I had no doubt that I would eventually reach my end goal given time and effort, I just felt so… tired all of a sudden. I felt tired thinking that I was already at my goal, then seeing it being suddenly pulled far, far away into an ambiguous future. I felt tired realizing that there were so many things standing between me and my goal. I felt tired having to figure out ways to secure a living, when I’m trying to pursue a higher purpose. I felt tired with the thought of returning to a job I don’t love, after quitting it to pursue my life passion.

Suddenly, everything I had been doing and fighting for felt meaningless.

Dealing with My Disappointment

For the first few days, I wasn’t in the mood to think, feel, or do anything. While I was functioning on the outside, I felt dead on the inside. I would live my day on auto-pilot, not caring or feeling much. When I was doing other things or out with friends, it would partly take my mind off the topic. But when I was by myself, I would feel a deep void. It was a very empty feeling. It wasn’t even about feeling bad or negative. It was just a feeling of emptiness; like a state of apathy.

After a few days of living in a void though, I decided it was enough. I am usually a vibrant, upbeat person and it was sick feeling so empty. I started to pick myself up and think about how I could improve my emotional state.

I did a lot of introspection regarding my situation. I shared my thoughts with several good friends and talked through the issue with them. It was interesting, getting different perspectives. One thing I love most about talking to others is the diversity of thoughts you get. Their responses reflect a certain aspect about themselves.

After deep thought, I received these key insights.

My Revelations About My Situation

I realized the reason I was so disappointed was because I had become overly attached to my end goal. I had narrowly defined ‘living my purpose’ to only happen when I’m running my personal development business full time.

But this should not be the case at all. If I had to go back to corporate given my circumstance, it would not mean that I wasn’t living my purpose. If anything, going back to work allows me to live my purpose , since it gives me financially security in the meantime. It is the best course of action to live true to my purpose within my circumstance.

I was getting too caught up in the belief that ‘living my purpose’ would only happen when I have my business up and running. That’s defining it too simplistically. Living my purpose is a way of being ; it’s something that translates into many actions, from my day-to-day decisions, to my interactions with people, to my thoughts and feelings, and so on. As long as I ensure everything I do each day is in alignment with that , nothing else really matters.

When I came to this realization, my end goal suddenly lost its significance. I mean it’s nice and all when everything takes off, but it doesn’t matter much since I’m already living my purpose right now.

Additionally, while I initially saw returning to work as a setback in terms of my goal to pursue my passion, I realized that it really isn’t. Being aware of these barriers is a progress in itself . Instead of carrying my original belief that everything can be up and running in 6 months, I can now better act towards my goals with what I have learned. This experience gave me new knowledge, new insights, and a new perspective. As I incorporate these lessons into my plan, I am in fact progressing towards my goals, and not moving away from it as I had initially thought.

The epiphanies shook me out of my void. I found out that my feeling of disappointment was totally redundant and misplaced. Suddenly, I began to regain my passion for life. If anything, I’m now more optimistic about life. :)

Life after the Experience

In the past few weeks since shaking myself out of my disappointment, it feels like I’m operating at a higher consciousness level. I feel an increased sense of awareness and clarity about myself and everything around me.

This experience has made me realize many lessons and blind spots that I was previously not privy to. This has helped me grow as a person. It is a very empowering feeling, like nothing can ever get me down anymore. This feeling is extremely, extremely liberating. If you have overcome a stage of deep disappointment before, you will know what I mean. It’s like what Henry Ward Beecher meant with, “One’s best success comes after their greatest disappointments,” and what Friedrich Nietzsche meant with “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

If you are wondering about the future of this blog after I return to work, don’t worry – I will continue to write and work on my personal development business in full force, whether I return to corporate or not. This is my purpose, this is my life. In a matter of time, the foundations of this business will strengthen to the point where I can do this full time, as my career. :)

Update #1 (Mar 2009):  A month after I wrote this post, I decided to work on my personal development business full time and not return to a corporate day job. :) For more details, read the post Embracing My Passion .

Update #2 (Dec 2017):  Since writing this post, I’ve built PE into my full-fledged career. I share the steps of my journey in my passion series .

Hi, I’m Celes. Thanks for reading. Personal Excellence is where I write about how to live our best life as we tackle life’s challenges.  About Me »

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Dealing with Disappointment

• Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries

There are more- and less-healthy ways to cope with it.

Disappointments are inevitable, and how we cope with them is often a defining moment in our lives. How we respond to disappointment is often influenced by our upbringing; some people seek to avoid disappointment by underachieving (setting their expectations permanently low) while others seek to avoid it by overachieving (setting their expectations unattainably high). Regardless of which way we lean, we can learn to respond healthily to disappointment by adopting a coping style that seeks to understand what happened, checks whether our expectations were reasonable, reevaluates our perceptions and behaviors, and seeks positive solutions instead of dwelling on the past. Introspection can be helpful, but rumination is often not. Although disappointment is inevitable, being discouraged is always a choice.

Robert didn’t know what to think. How could he have misjudged the situation so badly? He felt angry, sad, and betrayed.

• MV Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries is a management scholar, a psychoanalyst, and an executive coach. He is the Distinguished Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organizational Change at INSEAD.

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How to Answer "What Has Been Your Biggest Disappointment?" (With Sample Answers)

by Daniel Wolken

Published at: December 15, 2023

When preparing for an interview, you may encounter the question, "What has been your biggest disappointment?" This inquiry is not meant to trip you up, but rather to glean insight into your resilience and ability to navigate challenges. It's an opportunity to showcase your problem-solving skills and your growth mindset.

Thoughtful reflection on your experiences, focusing on constructive outcomes rather than the disappointment itself, will result in a balanced and impactful response.

It is vital to choose an example that led to personal or professional development, ensuring that your answer communicates self-awareness, reflection, and a proactive stance toward overcoming setbacks while working from home .

Why Employers Ask This Question?

When you're in an interview, employers often ask about your greatest disappointments to gauge your self-awareness and resilience . Understanding how you perceive and overcome challenges is crucial to them, as it can illustrate your:

• Problem-solving skills: How effectively you can navigate through tough situations.
• Growth mindset: Your ability to learn from your setbacks and use them to improve.
• Emotional intelligence: Your recognition and management of emotions---yours and others'.
• Professional maturity: How you handle feedback and constructive criticism.
• Honesty and Accountability: To determine if you can be transparent about your experiences and if you take responsibility for your actions and their outcomes.
• Alignment with company values: Whether your attitude and learning experiences match the company culture.
• Future potential: How your past disappointments have primed you for future roles, particularly in challenging or high-pressure situations.

How to Answer "What Has Been The Greatest Disappointment In Your Life With Examples"?

When approaching the question, "What has been your biggest disappointment?" focus on transforming a negative scenario into a reflection of your resilience and capacity to grow.

• Choose a Relevant Example: Select a disappointment that is relevant to the context of the interview . Ideally, it should relate to your professional life, but if the question is asked in a personal context, you can choose a disappointment from your personal life.
• Keep It Professional: If you're in a job interview, focus on professional disappointments rather than personal ones. Avoid discussing highly personal or sensitive issues unless it's relevant to the job or the interviewer encourages such discussions.
• Provide Context: Start by briefly explaining the situation or circumstances that led to the disappointment. Provide enough context so that the person you're speaking to can understand the situation.
• Explain Your Feelings : Describe how you felt when the disappointment occurred. Be honest about your emotions, but avoid being overly negative or critical. Use language that conveys your feelings without making it sound like you're dwelling on the disappointment.
• Highlight What You Learned: The most important part of your response is to explain what you learned from the disappointment. Emphasize how you turned the disappointment into a valuable learning experience. Discuss the skills , insights, or personal growth that resulted from the setback.
• Show Resilience and Adaptability: Discuss how you bounced back from the disappointment and adapted to the situation. Employers value candidates who can handle setbacks and challenges with resilience and a positive attitude.
• Connect It to the Job : If you're in a job interview, tie your response back to the position you're applying for. Explain how the lessons you learned from your biggest disappointment have made you a stronger and more suitable candidate for the remote job .
• Stay Positive: Maintain a positive and constructive tone throughout your response. Avoid blaming others or dwelling on negativity. Focus on the personal and professional growth that resulted from the disappointment.

Sample Answers For Interview Question "What Is Your Greatest Disappointment"?

When addressing the interview question about your biggest disappointment, it's essential to show personal growth and the ability to learn from challenges. Here are three sample answers that demonstrate resilience and positive outcomes from disappointing experiences.

Sample Answer 1: Missed Promotion Opportunity

"I was eager to advance to a managerial role, but when the opportunity arose, the position was given to a colleague. At first, I was deeply disappointed. However, this experience taught me to communicate more effectively about my career goals. I enrolled in a leadership course, which not only improved my skills but also showed my commitment. When I reapplied for a promotion six months later, I was successful."

Sample Answer 2: Unsuccessful Project

"In my previous role as a Sales head , a project I led did not meet the desired outcomes, despite my team's hard work. Initially, it felt like a significant setback. Reflecting on this, I understood the importance of flexibility and proactive risk management. I implemented these lessons in subsequent projects, leading to a series of successes and an award for innovation."

Sample Answer 3: Project Cancellation

"My team was working on a project I was particularly excited about, but it got unexpectedly canceled. I was responsible for the initial research and presentation to stakeholders. After the cancellation, I repurposed some of our work for a finance project. This helped us salvage our efforts and maintain team morale."

Sample Answer 4: Overlooked for a Leadership Role

"I was passionate about taking on a leadership role within a volunteer organization, and when I wasn't chosen, I was disappointed. Instead of letting this hold me back, I sought feedback and learned the value of showing consistent dedication in my role as a content writer . I continued to volunteer with enthusiasm, and within a year, I was not only given a leadership position but also recognized as Volunteer of the Year."

If you are searching for a remote job at and need help finding where to look? DailyRemote is a remote job board with the latest jobs in various categories to help you. Join like-minded people in our LinkedIn and Facebook community.

Explore Other Interview Questions

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What Has Been the Greatest Disappointment in Your Life?

• What the Interviewer Wants to Know
• How You Should Answer

Examples of the Best Answers

Tips for giving the best answer, what not to say, possible follow-up questions.

A  common question asked in job interviews is, "What has been the greatest disappointment in your life?"  Your response to this question  will help the interviewer determine how easily you are discouraged, how you recover from difficult experiences, and whether you take responsibility for  navigating challenging circumstances .

Interviewers also use this type of question to probe for failures in your personal or professional life that might reveal  weaknesses that would limit your effectiveness on the job.

What the Interviewer Really Wants to Know

Interviewers ask this kind of question to understand how you perceive adversity. The way in which you moved through a tough personal situation points to your approach in professional situations as well. Employers want their team to see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. Convince them you possess that mentality through this answer, and you will have won this round.

For example, all businesses experience ebbs and flows, and there is often a great deal of uncertainty - that is just how the business world works. If you are someone who has persevered in the most challenging and uncertain of times, then you have what it takes to help a business do the same. 

The interviewer will also note how comfortable you appear  answering open-ended questions . This will speak to your ability to think quickly on your feet, as well as indicating your readiness to conduct important conversations at work.

How to Answer the “What Was Your Greatest Disappointment?” Interview Question

Employers may give you some leeway by leaving the context of your disappointment open-ended. In this case, one viable strategy is to avoid referencing a disappointment that happened at work. You could speak about a more personal disappointment, e.g., the early death of a parent, or an event that changed your academic or career goals.

If you mention a work disappointment, don't use an example that's closely related to the responsibilities of the job for which you are applying.

Believe it or not, it is also okay not to have had a "greatest" disappointment. However, in that case, provide an example of one particularly disappointing experience, or speak more generally about how you would handle a frustrating moment.

My biggest disappointment is that I wasn’t able to follow my dream of being a professional dancer. I was injured as a teenager during a performance and was never able to move quite as fluidly again. Even though I was disappointed at the time, I realize now that if I had taken that direction, I would not have achieved my advanced degrees and developed a career that I love.

Why It Works:  This answer shows your ability to be vulnerable and thus can help to create a strong rapport with the interviewer. It also alludes to your creativity, an attribute that is valuable in many fields. And importantly, the answer concludes on a positive note. 

I set a goal to be on the dean's list every semester in college and was very disappointed when I missed the mark during the first semester of my junior year. I was working 25 hours a week and took 21 credits that semester. I reduced my work hours to 15 and took 18 credits the next semester and achieved highest honors.

At the time, not being able to go straight to college out of high school was the greatest disappointment. However, the two years I spent working helped me to focus on what I wanted to study and ultimately made my college experience more fulfilling. Having a little extra time to figure things out allowed me to prepare to decide what I wanted to study for my chosen career.

Why It Works:  The answer shows that you have a good perspective on life’s hurdles and saw this one as an opportunity to discover the things you really like, as opposed to going straight to school with little to no direction, like most high school graduates. This growth mindset is invaluable in the workplace.

I was very disappointed when I was hired for a top retailer's training program and was placed in the store management track, when I had my heart set on the buyer track. As it ends up, my strengths in employee engagement, inventory planning, and sales have enabled me to progress rapidly to my assistant store manager position, so the disappointment was a blessing in disguise. 

Why It Works:  In addition to conveying who you are as a professional, it shows that you adapt to change well. In an ever-changing business world, being flexible and seeing the positives when things don’t go to plan makes the difference between collapsing and thriving when problems arise. 

Transition to professional from personal.  This is a personal question by nature, so your answer can also be. Just remember to connect it back to the job itself. You could pivot to mentioning some  key professional skills  that would help you to add value if you were hired for your target job.

Choose situations which can be viewed as successes . You can respond directly to this type of question by mentioning a disappointment where you fell short of a very high expectation that you set for yourself. By doing so, you establish that you are a driven employee who strives for a high level of achievement.

Be honest.  You may feel afraid to share your answer out of fear of judgment, but this question is meant to open the door to vulnerability. We all have experienced disappointment. If you're authentic about yours, it will create an answer far better than one that is made up or emotionally superficial. 

Share how you overcame the obstacle.  No matter what your answer, be sure to explain how you recovered from (or how you would recover from) your disappointment. Try to emphasize how your ability to recover displays a particular quality that is important for the job. For example, if you say you were unable to afford college right after high school, explain how you worked hard over the next year to save up money. It will demonstrate your perseverance and dedication to your goals.

Don’t share too much or too little information.  The interviewer doesn't want to know everything about you, but disclosing too little can make him or her wonder why you aren't more open.

Avoid potentially contentious subjects such as political or religious leanings,  unless you are absolutely positive that your opinions would be well-received by your interviewer. It's better to keep your views to yourself.

Don't be too negative. Try to show how you made the best of difficult circumstances rather than how terrible your disappointment was.

• What is your greatest strength? –  Best Answers
• What is your greatest weakness? –  Best Answers
• What motivates you? –  Best Answers

Key Takeaways

BE HONEST: Don’t give a surface-level response to this personal question. Embrace being vulnerable.

TIE YOUR ANSWER TO THE JOB: Use your response to demonstrate skills and qualities that are valuable in the role.

AVOID CONTROVERSY: Don’t talk about politics, religion, or anything that could cause offense.

SHOW YOUR RESILIENCE: Explain how you bounced back and learned from the disappointment.

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A disappointing experience.

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                          There are times when you do not feel like going out with your friends. You just want to stay home watching one of those boring tv shows, or talking to your mother about the importance of your dreams, which is measured against the importance of reality. However, a little crazy voice in your insides commands your mind to do the opposite of staying home. My descriptive skills began one Saturday nigh at Sunset Place.              The main entrance was far away from the parking lot. So, we had to walk for almost ten minutes to get to the mall. Finally, we saw JC. Penny, which is the first store you encounter. The movies is located on the second floor; but first you have to walk all the way until you see game Works, another store for kids to play with computers. Well, my three friends and I finally got to the movies. The line was huge. We had to wait half hour to buy the tickets. In the meantime, and all of a sudden, the sweet scent of some perfume tickled the tip of my nose. That definitely made me look back. My eyes opened after several watery blinks. I saw one of the most attractive men I had ever seen. He was about seven feet tall. You could perfectly see his well-defined big muscles. I felt the sun scorching my skin in that moment. That was a surprise since I was at a mall one Saturday night. I could even smell the air caressing my pale face. I was just not there anymore.              I honestly thought he would be nicer. I was wrong. His name was Alex and he was twenty-two years old. Alex told me that he was obsessed with his physical appearance. That disappointed me a lot. The minutes became hours as we kept conversing. Light voices occasionally reached my ears, probably coming from one of the couples strolling the crowded place. The omnipresent night seemed to be absorbing the fury of his bright green eyes like spring; but then the glaring lights of the mall reflected in his face helped him get that fury back, and his eyes would turn bright again.

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• Word Count: 451

5. Under the Influence

The disappointing fact is that innocent bystanders such as children are involved. ... Those children may also experience difficulties in school, such as concentrating in class. ... Even as adult's children of alcoholic families can experience some problems associated with their up coming in an alcoholic environment. They often experience difficulties expressing feelings around friends and in intimate relationships. ... Some adults seek professional help to overcome their childhood experiences with alcoholism by joining groups or consulting psychologists. ...

• Word Count: 502

6. The Shipping News

I think that for me this movie is an example of what not to do in order to overcome traumatic experiences in ones own life. ... What us ultimately disappointing to me, is that the movie left me with no real sense of closure. ...

• Word Count: 465

7. Frida Kahlo

As I reflect on her work, it is evident that her personal experiences had a strong influence on both her style and the subjects of her paintings. ... I found this interesting, as my experience with Latin Americans has been that they tend to pay close attention to specific racial characteristics. ... It would be disappointing to see them embrace an authoritarian leader who would eventually trample on what little privileges they have. ...

• Word Count: 467

8. Friendships and New Cities

Living in a new place can be a stressful experience: your past accumulated experience may not work due to culture difference, you have to try your best to accept new work practice there, and the most difficult part is: you have to face these obstacles without the support network of your friends and family, who used to give you a shoulder when you are in dilemma. ... One disappointing fact is like that: every individual, even your best friend, may have their unique dream and thus have to take different paths with yours to achieve it. ...

• Word Count: 524

Expectation, Disappointment, and Sadness

Disappointment can be profound..

Posted November 20, 2011 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

In a previous post, I wrote about the concept of "sad love." But the emotion of sadness can be felt in many other situations as well, and it is particularly profound in the experience of disappointment.

First, let's consider sadness in general. When sadness is triggered, a heavy emptiness or longing is felt because your brain's appraisal system has determined that you have experienced a lasting loss. You may want to have someone or something that is unattainable or to bring back what was lost, even if what caused your sadness has to do with finally recognizing something that you had subsequently denied.

Sadness is a painful emotion of disconnection from someone or something that you value or had wanted to value. It differs qualitatively and temporally from grief , which may have a greater impact on your perception of the world and is longer lasting.

Sadness helps you to remember, rather than forget, what it is or was that you desired. It promotes personal reflection following a loss that is important to you and turns your attention inward in a way that can promote resignation and acceptance (Lazarus, 1991). Thus, the emotion of sadness attempts to assist you by giving you an opportunity to consider the impact of your loss and the necessity of revising your objectives and strategies for the future.

One study found that sadness tends to decrease one's confidence in first impressions (Schwartz, 1990). Another found that the experience of sadness leads one to struggle with the painful, existential question of "Who am I?" (Henretty, Levitt, & Mathews, 2008).

If sadness can help you to remember and accept reality, achieve insight that can realign your goals , alert you to be cautious before making decisions, and create an opportunity for you to observe yourself, then perhaps its adaptive purpose is evident: Like all emotions, sadness, in spite of how it makes you feel, is simply trying to protect you.

Disappointment is a profound way in which sadness is experienced. People seem to do whatever they can to avoid recognizing that they are disappointed and will twist their thinking every which way to not recognize a true disappointment.

You may be disappointed in a parent, your child, your spouse, a lover, an employer or job, an event, or in yourself. In any case, disappointment is the experience of sadness involving unfulfilled hopes or expectations. When you consider what might have been, in contrast to what exists in the present, you may experience disappointment.

In my psychotherapy practice, I have found that people avoid disappointment far more than many other emotional experiences. Disappointment comes with finality--the recognition that you don't have, didn't get, or will never achieve whatever it is that you wanted.

You might experience being angry with a parent, spouse, relative, employer, or friend, and that is far easier to feel than your disappointment in the relationship. Disappointment forces you to admit that you did not get what you wished to have, and it is actually easier for you to protest with anger than it is to encounter your sadness about the course of events.

In an obstinate way, anger will allow you to continue idealizing what could have been while consciously denigrating it, and you will hang onto it only because it's what you needed at the time. Disappointment accepts reality.

There is one more aspect of the sadness triggered with disappointment that is worthy of mention. Usually, it is assumed that people who value happiness are able to hold on to positive feelings and may be resilient, if not immune, to the negative effects of disappointing experiences. But this may not always be the case, according to the findings of a recent study.

Under certain circumstances, valuing happiness may be self-defeating and result in disappointment, depending upon how people evaluate their progress toward that goal (Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, & Savino, 2011). The researchers found that valuing happiness can set people up for disappointment, especially if they compare themselves to an ideal.

So perhaps the way in which to foster resilience is to construct realistic appraisals of what you need, avoid idealizing what could be, and come to terms with what you have.

For more information, see my books about emotions .

This post is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Henretty, J., Levitt, H. & Mathews, S. (2008). Clients' experiences of moments of sadness in psychotherapy: A grounded theory analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 18(3), 243-255.

Lazarus, R.S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press.

Mauss, I.B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C.L., & Savino, N.S. (2011) Can seeking happiness make people happy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 11(4), 808-815.

Schwarz, N. (1990). Feelings as information: Informational and motivational functions of affective states. In E.T. Higgins & R.M. Sorrentino (Eds.), Handbook of motivation and cognition: Foundations of social behavior: Vol. II (pp. 527-561). New York: Guilford Press.

Mary C. Lamia , Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist in Marin County, California.

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Describe an experience when you were disappointed - cue card # 710, ielts speaking part 2: ielts cue card/ candidate task card., describe an experience when you were disappointed..

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