how do you write an essay in first person

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How to write a First Person Essay and Get a Good Grade

First-person essays are fun essays to write. The reason is that they are usually written in the first-person perspective. In this article, you will discover everything crucial you need to know about first-person essay writing.

By reading this article, you should be able to write any first-person essay confidently. However, if you need assistance writing any first-person essay, you should order it from us. We have competent writers who can write any first-person essay and deliver ASAP.

What is a first-person Essay?

A first-person essay is an academic writing task written from the first-person perspective. A typical first-person essay will involve the author describing a personal experience. This is the reason why first-person essays are also known as personal essays .

Since first-person essays are personal, they are usually written in a casual tone and from the first-person point of view. However, there are occasions when such essays must be written in a formal tone (calling for using citations and references). Nevertheless, as stated, they are often written in a casual tone.

The best first-person essays are those with a casual tone and a solid first-person point of view (POV). A casual tone is a conversational tone or a non-formal tone.

And a solid first-person POV writing is writing that is characterized by the generous use of first-person pronouns, including “I,” “me,” and “we.” It differs from the academic third-person POV writing that is characterized by the use of third-person pronouns such as “her,” “he,” and “them.”

Types of First-person Essays

There are several types of first-person essays in the academic world. The most popular ones include admission essays, reflective essays, scholarship essays, statement of purpose essays, personal narrative essays, and memoirs.

1. Admission essays

An admission essay, a personal statement, is a first-person essay that potential students write when applying for admission at various universities and colleges. Most universities and colleges across the US require potential students to write an admission essay as part of their college application.

They do this better to understand students beyond their academic and extracurricular achievements. As a result, the best college admission essays are often descriptive, honest, introspective, meaningful, engaging, and well-edited.

2. Reflective essays

A reflective essay is a first-person essay in which the author recalls and evaluates an experience. The objective of the evaluation is usually to determine whether an experience yielded any positive or negative change. Professors typically ask students to write reflective essays to encourage critical thinking and promote learning.

Reflective essays can be written in various styles. The most popular style is the conventional introduction-body-conclusion essay writing style. The best reflective essays follow this style. In addition, they are introspective, precise, well-structured, and well-edited.

3. Scholarship essays

A scholarship essay is a first-person essay you write to get a scholarship. Most competitive scholarships require students to submit an essay as part of their application. The scholarship essay submitted is one of the things they use to determine the scholarship winner.

Usually, when scholarship committees ask applicants to write a scholarship essay, they expect the applicants to explain what makes them the most suitable candidates/applicants for the scholarship. Therefore, when you are asked to write one, you should do your best to explain what makes you deserve the scholarship more than anyone else.

The best scholarship essays are those that are honest, direct, useful, and precise. They also happen to be well-edited and well-structured. 

4. Statement of purpose essays

A statement of purpose essay is a first-person essay that graduate schools require applicants to write to assess their suitability for the programs they are applying to. A statement of purpose is also known as a statement of intent. The typical statement of purpose is like a summary of an applicant’s profile, including who they are, what they have done so far, what they hope to achieve, and so on.

When you are asked to write a statement of purpose essay, you should take your time to assess what makes you a good candidate for the program you want to join. You should focus on your relevant academic achievements and what you intend to achieve in the future. The best statement of purpose essays is those that are well-structured, well-edited, and precise.

5. Personal narrative essays

A personal narrative essay is a first-person essay in which the author shares their unique experience. The most successful personal narrative essays are those that have an emotional appeal to the readers. You can create emotional appeal in your personal narrative essay by using vivid descriptions that will help your readers strongly relate to what you are talking about. You can also create emotional appeal in your personal narrative essay by generously using imageries.

The typical personal narrative essay will have three parts: introduction-body-conclusion. In addition, the best ones usually have good descriptions of various settings, events, individuals, etc. Therefore, to write an excellent personal narrative essay, you should focus on providing a detailed and engaging description of whatever you are talking about.

A memoir is a first-person essay written to provide a detailed historical account. Memoirs are usually written to share confidential or private knowledge. Retired leaders often write memoirs to give a historical account of their leadership era from their perspective.

You may not be worried about the prospect of being asked to write a memoir as a college student, but it is good to know about this type of first-person essay. It may be helpful to you in the future. Moreover, you can always write a memoir to be strictly read by your family or friends.

 Structure and Format of a First-Person Essay

You are not required to follow any specific format when penning a first-person essay. Instead, you need to write it just like a standard format essay . In other words, ensure your essay has an introduction, a body, and a conclusion.

1. Introduction

Your essay must have a proper introduction paragraph. An introduction paragraph is a paragraph that introduces the readers to what the essay is all about. It is what readers will first read and decide whether to continue reading the rest of your essay. Thus, if you want your essay to be read, you must get the introduction right.

The recommended way to start an essay introduction is to begin with an attention-grabbing sentence. This could be a fact related to the topic or a statistic. By starting your essay with an attention-grabbing sentence, you significantly increase the chances of readers deciding to read more.

After the attention-grabbing sentence, you must include background information on what you will discuss. This information will help your readers know what your essay is about early on.

The typical essay has a body. It is in the body that all the important details are shared. Therefore, do not overshare in the introduction when writing a first-person essay. Instead, share your important points or descriptions in the body of your essay.

The best way to write the body of your first-person essay is first to choose the most important points to talk about in your essay. After doing this, you are supposed to write about each point in a different paragraph. Doing this will make your work structured and easier to understand.

The best way to write body paragraphs is, to begin with, a topic sentence that sort of declares what the writer is about to write. You should then follow this with supporting evidence to prove your point. Lastly, you should finish your body paragraph with a closing sentence that summarizes the main point in the paragraph and provides a smooth transition to the next paragraph.

3. Conclusion

At the end of your first-person essay, you must offer a conclusion for the first-person essay to be complete. The conclusion should restate the thesis of your essay and its main points. And it should end with a closing sentence that wraps up your entire essay.

Steps for Writing a First-Person Essay

If you have been asked to write a first-person essay, you should simply follow the steps below to write an excellent first-person essay of any type.

1. Choose a topic

The first thing you need to do before you start writing a first-person essay is to choose a topic. Selecting a topic sounds like an easy thing to do, but it can be a bit difficult. This is because of two things. One, it is difficult for most people to decide what to write about quickly. Two, there is usually much pressure to choose a topic that will interest the readers.

While it is somewhat challenging to choose a topic, it can be done. You simply need to brainstorm and write down as many topics as possible and then eliminate the dull ones until you settle on a topic that you know will interest your readers.

2. Choose and stick to an essay tone

Once you choose a topic for your essay, you must choose a tone and maintain that tone throughout your essay. For example, if you choose a friendly or casual tone, you should stick to it throughout your essay.

Choosing a tone and sticking to it will make your essay sound consistent and connected. You will also give your essay a nice flow.

3. Create an outline

Once you have chosen a topic and chosen a tone for your essay, you should create an outline. The good news about creating an outline for a first-person essay is that you do not have to spend much time doing research online or in a library. The bad news is that you will have to brainstorm to create a rough sketch for your essay.

The easiest way to brainstorm to create a rough sketch for your essay is to write down the topic on a piece of paper and create a list of all the important points relevant to the topic. Make sure your list is as exhaustive as it can be. After doing this, you should identify the most relevant points to the topic and then arrange them chronologically.

Remember, a first-person essay is almost always about you telling a story. Therefore, make sure your points tell a story. And not just any story but an interesting one. Thus, after identifying the relevant points and arranging them chronologically, brainstorm and note down all the interesting details you could use to support them. It is these details that will help to make your story as enjoyable as possible.

3. Write your first draft

After creating your outline, the next thing to do is to write your first draft. Writing the first draft after creating a comprehensive outline is much easier. Consequently, simply follow the outline you created in the previous step to writing your first draft. You already arranged the most relevant points chronologically, so you shouldn’t find it challenging to write your first draft.

When writing this first draft, remember that it should be a good story. In other words, ensure your first draft is as chronological as possible. This will give it a nice flow and make it look consistent. When writing the first draft, you will surely remember new points or details about your story. Feel free to add the most useful and interesting ones.

4. Edit your essay

After writing your first draft, you should embark on editing it. The first thing you need to edit is the flow. Make sure your first draft has a nice flow. To do this, you will need to read it. Do this slowly and carefully to find any gaps or points of confusion in your draft. If you find them, edit them to give your story a nice flow.

The second thing you need to edit is the tone. Make sure the draft has a consistent tone throughout. Of course, ensure it is also in first-person narrative from the first paragraph to the last. The third thing you need to edit is the structure. Ensure your essay has a good structure with three parts: introduction, body, and conclusion.

5. Proofread your essay

After ensuring your essay has a nice flow, a consistent tone, and a good structure, you should proofread it. The purpose of doing this is to eliminate all the grammar errors, typos, and other writing mistakes. And the best way to do it is to read your essay aloud.

Reading your essay aloud will help you catch writing errors and mistakes. However, you should also proofread your essay using an online editor such as Grammarly.com to catch all the writing errors you may have missed.

After proofreading your essay, it will be crisp and ready for submission.

Topic ideas for a first-person essay

Below are some topic ideas for first-person essays. Since there are several distinct types of first-person essays, the ideas below may not be relevant to some types of first-person essays. However, the list below should give you a good idea of common first-person essay topics.

• A story about losing a friend
• A story about your first foreign trip
• A story about the best thing that happened to you
• A dangerous experience that happened to you
• A high school friend you will never forget
• A story about how you learned a new skill
• The most embarrassing thing that happened to you
• The first time you cooked your own meal
• The first time you did something heroic
• The first time you helped someone in need
• Your first job
• The most fun you’ve ever had
• The scariest thing that ever happened to you
• A day you will never forget
• The biggest life lesson you have learned
• How you met your best friend
• Your first time driving a car
• Your first time, feel depressed and lost
• A story from a vacation trip
• Your cultural identity

Sample Outline of a First-person Essay

Below is a sample outline of a first-person essay. Use it to create your first-person essay outline when you need to write a first-person essay.

• Attention-grabbing sentence
• Background info
• Thesis statement
• Body Paragraph 1
• First major point
• Closing sentence

2. Body Paragraph 2

• Second major point

3. Body Paragraph 3

• Third major point

4. Conclusion

• Thesis restatement
• Summary of major points
• Concluding statement

Example of a first-person essay

My First Job Your first job is like your first kiss; you never really forget it, no matter how many more you get in the future. My first job will always be remarkable because of the money it gave me and how useful it made me feel. About two weeks after my 17 th birthday, my mother asked me if I could consider taking a job at a small family restaurant as a cleaner. I agreed. I could say no if I wanted to, but I didn’t. My mother was a single mother working two jobs to care for my three younger siblings and me. She always came back home tired and exhausted every single day. I had always wanted to help her, and as soon as the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed it with my two hands. My mother had heard about the cleaner job from a close friend; hence she hoped I could do it to earn money for our family. Once I agreed, I went to the restaurant the next day. I took the train and arrived at about seven in the morning. The restaurant was already packed at this time, with the workers running around serving breakfast. I asked to speak to someone about the cleaning job, and I was soon at the back office getting instructions about the job. Apparently, I was the first to show genuine interest in taking the job. For the first three days, the other staff showed me around, and after that, I started cleaning the restaurant daily at $8 an hour. Now $8 an hour may seem like little money to most people, but to me, it meant the world! It was money I didn’t have. And within the first week, I had made a little over $400. I felt very proud about this when I got my first check. It made me forget how tired I was becoming from working every day. It also made me happy because it meant my mom didn’t have to work as hard as she did before. Moreover, within a month of working at the restaurant, I had accumulated over $250 in savings, which I was very proud of. The little savings I had accumulated somehow made me feel more financially secure. Every weekend after work was like a victory parade for me. The moment I handed over half my pay to my mother made me feel so helpful around the house. I could do anything I wanted with the remaining half of the pay. I used quite a fraction of this weekly to buy snacks for my siblings. This made me feel nice and even more useful around the house. After about three months of work, my mom got a promotion at one of her places of work. It meant I no longer needed to work at the restaurant. But I still went to work there anyway. I did it because of the money and how useful it made me feel. I continued working at the restaurant for about five more months before joining college.

Final Thoughts!

First-person essays are essays written from the first-person perspective. There are several first-person perspective essays, including personal narrative essays, scholarship essays, admission essays, memoirs, etc.

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OASIS: Writing Center

Scholarly voice: first-person point of view, first-person point of view.

Since 2007, Walden academic leadership has endorsed the APA manual guidance on appropriate use of the first-person singular pronoun "I," allowing the use of this pronoun in all Walden academic writing except doctoral capstone abstracts, which should not contain first person pronouns.

In addition to the pointers below, APA 7, Section 4.16 provides information on the appropriate use of first person in scholarly writing.

Inappropriate Uses:   I feel that eating white bread causes cancer. The author feels that eating white bread causes cancer. I found several sources (Marks, 2011; Isaac, 2006; Stuart, in press) that showed a link between white bread consumption and cancer.   Appropriate Use:   I surveyed 2,900 adults who consumed white bread regularly. In this chapter, I present a literature review on research about how seasonal light changes affect depression.

Confusing Sentence:   The researcher found that the authors had been accurate in their study of helium, which the researcher had hypothesized from the beginning of their project.   Revision:   I found that Johnson et al. (2011) had been accurate in their study of helium, which I had hypothesized since I began my project.

Passive voice:   The surveys were distributed and the results were compiled after they were collected.   Revision:   I distributed the surveys, and then I collected and compiled the results.

Appropriate use of first person we and our :   Two other nurses and I worked together to create a qualitative survey to measure patient satisfaction. Upon completion, we presented the results to our supervisor.

Make assumptions about your readers by putting them in a group to which they may not belong by using first person plural pronouns. Inappropriate use of first person "we" and "our":

• We can stop obesity in our society by changing our lifestyles.
• We need to help our patients recover faster.

In the first sentence above, the readers would not necessarily know who "we" are, and using a phrase such as "our society " can immediately exclude readers from outside your social group. In the second sentence, the author assumes that the reader is a nurse or medical professional, which may not be the case, and the sentence expresses the opinion of the author.

To write with more precision and clarity, hallmarks of scholarly writing, revise these sentences without the use of "we" and "our."

• Moderate activity can reduce the risk of obesity (Hu et al., 2003).
• Staff members in the health care industry can help improve the recovery rate for patients (Matthews, 2013).

Pronouns Video

• APA Formatting & Style: Pronouns (video transcript)

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• Writing Tips

First-Person Point of View: Definition and Examples

4-minute read

• 13th August 2023

The first-person point of view is a grammatical person narrative technique that immerses the reader into the intimate perspective of a single character or individual.

In this literary approach, the story unfolds through the eyes, thoughts, and emotions of the narrator, granting the reader direct access to their inner world. Through the narrator’s use of pronouns such as I and me , readers gain a personal and subjective understanding of the narrator’s experiences, motivations, and conflicts. For example:

If the author uses the third-person point of view , the sentence would read like this:

Why Write From the First-Person Point of View?

This point of view often creates a strong sense of immediacy, enabling readers to form a deep connection with the narrator while limiting the reader’s knowledge to what this character or narrator knows. It’s a dynamic viewpoint that allows the rich exploration of a character’s or narrator’s growth and provides the opportunity to delve into their personal struggles.

First-person narration shouldn’t be used or should be considered carefully in some situations. Familiarize yourself with genre style and tone before making this decision.

Using the First-Person Point of View in Fiction

The first-person point of view is a powerful tool in fiction because it can create an intimate and engaging connection between the reader and the narrator. It is particularly effective for the following purposes.

Developing a Character’s Voice and Personality

First-person narration facilitates a deep exploration of a character’s or narrator’s unique voice, thoughts, and personality. It enables readers to experience the story through the lens of the narrator or a specific character, giving the reader direct insight into their emotions, motivations, and growth.

Portraying Subjective Experiences

When the story relies heavily on the narrator’s or a character’s subjective experience, emotions, and perceptions, the first-person point of view can help the reader connect on a personal level. This bond is especially beneficial in stories that explore complex internal conflicts and psychological themes.

Enhancing Reader Empathy

First-person narratives can foster empathy by enabling readers to see the world through the eyes of the narrator. This perspective can lead to a more emotional and immersive reading experience, allowing readers to relate to and invest in the narrator’s or a character’s journey.

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Conveying Unreliable Narrators

First-person narration is excellent for stories featuring unreliable narrators . Readers can uncover discrepancies between what the narrator says and what they actually do, revealing layers of intrigue and mystery.

Delivering Engaging Storytelling

When the narrative requires a strong and engaging storyteller, the first-person point of view can make the story feel more like a conversation or confession, drawing the reader in.

It’s also important to note that using the first-person point of view comes with limitations. The narrator’s perspective is confined to what they personally experience, possibly limiting the scope of the story’s atmosphere and the portrayal of events that occur outside the narrator’s awareness. Consider how authors of classic novels have utilized point of view in their writing.

The First-Person Point of View in Research Essays

Generally, it’s preferable to avoid the first person in academic and formal writing. Research papers are expected to maintain an objective, unbiased, and impartial tone, focusing on presenting information, data, and analyses clearly. The use of I or we may introduce subjectivity and personal opinions, which can undermine the credibility and professionalism of the research.

Instead, the third-person point of view is preferred because it allows a more neutral and detached presentation of the material. Follow the guidelines and style requirements of the specific field or publication you’re writing for: some disciplines may have different conventions regarding the use of first-person language.

The first person can lend itself to some types of research description when the researcher is discussing why they made a particular decision in their approach or how and why they interpret their findings.

But be aware that when writers attempt to write without reverting to the first person, they often overuse the passive voice . In nonfiction or academic writing, staying in the first person may sometimes be better than using the passive voice.

Ultimately, the decision to use the first person in fiction or nonfiction depends on the specific goals of the author. Fiction authors should consider how this narrative choice aligns with the story’s themes, characters, and intended emotional impact. Research writers should carefully consider whether the use of the first person is necessary to convey their findings and decisions or whether that information could be described as or more effectively without it.

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How to Write in First Person

Last Updated: October 17, 2022 Fact Checked

This article was co-authored by Stephanie Wong Ken, MFA . Stephanie Wong Ken is a writer based in Canada. Stephanie's writing has appeared in Joyland, Catapult, Pithead Chapel, Cosmonaut's Avenue, and other publications. She holds an MFA in Fiction and Creative Writing from Portland State University. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 112,942 times.

Writing in the first person can be a fun challenge, allowing you to explore a first person point of view on the page. You may write in the first person in a short story, novel, or opinion piece. Creating an effective first person narrative requires skill and consistency as well as a thorough revision of the writing once it is done.

Choosing a Tense for the First Person Narrative

• For example, a first person present tense narrator would be, “I open the window and yell at him to leave me alone. I close the window and try to focus on the latest soap opera on television.”

• For example, a first person past tense narrator would be, “I opened the window and yelled at him to leave me alone. I closed the window and tried to focus on the latest soap opera on television.”

• If you are using APA style, you can use the first person point of view to discuss your research steps in a research paper. For example, you may write, “I studied sample A” or “I interviewed subject B.” In general, you should avoid the first person point of view and only use it sparingly in your research paper.

Using the First Person to Build Character

• For example, if your narrator is a Latino teenager who lives in the Bronx, they will have a distinct narrative voice that may use Spanish phrases and teenage slang as well as standard English.

• For example, rather than say, “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A killer spider skittered towards me and I thought, I’m dead,” focus on describing the action straight from the viewpoint of the narrator. You may write, “This couldn’t be what I was seeing. A killer spider skittered towards me. I’m dead.”

• For example, rather than write, “I tried to talk to Sara about how I felt but she didn’t want to listen to what I had to say,” you may put this content in a scene with dialogue and action. You may write instead, “‘Sara, why won’t you talk to me?’ I was determined to get her to listen to what I had to say.”

• To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
• Moby Dick by Herman Melville
• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
• Lucy by Jamaica Kincaid
• "Shooting an Elephant," an essay by George Orwell
• "The Death of the Moth," an essay by Virginia Woolf

Avoiding the Pitfalls of First Person

• For example, rather than have two sentences like, “I ran down the stairs, my heart pounding. I could hear the killer spider skittering on the wall behind me,” you can write, “I ran down the stairs, my heart pounding. Behind me, the killer spider skittered on the wall.”

• For example, rather than write, “I bumped into Marsha and she told me she left her homework at home. I felt sorry for her and told her not to get so upset,” you may place the reader right in a scene.
• You may write, “As I turned the corner of the gym, I bumped into Marsha. ‘I forgot my homework at home,’ she complained. I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her. ‘Don’t be too upset,’ I said to her.”

• For example, rather than write, “I felt sad about losing her as a friend,” you may write, “Sadness filled my body as I realized I was losing her as a friend.”
• You can also often simply remove “I thought” or “I saw” in a sentence to make the first person point of view stronger. For example, rather than write, “I passed her in the hall and almost stopped to talk to her. Then, I thought, why bother, she’s just going to reject you anyway,” remove "I thought" and tighten up the action in the sentence.
• You may write, “I passed her in the hall and almost stopped to talk to her. But I kept walking. Why bother, she’s just going to reject me anyway.”

Polishing the First Person Narrative

• You should also pay attention to the tense in the story. Make sure the story does not shift from present to past tense or vice versa. It should stay in the same tense the entire time.

• You may also show the story to a writing group to get their criticisms and critiques. Be open to the feedback of others and use it to improve the first person narrator in your story.

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You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/grammar/verbtenses
• ↑ https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/grammar/verb_tenses/verb_tense_consistency.html
• ↑ https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/grammar/writing/is-character-voice-different-from-author-voice.html
• ↑ https://www.grammarly.com/blog/first-second-and-third-person/
• ↑ http://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples-of-writing-in-first-person.html
• ↑ https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/reading-aloud/
• ↑ https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/editing-and-proofreading/

About This Article

Writing in the first person means writing from the perspective of one person or character. When writing, you’ll want to use words like “I,” “we,” or “me” to demonstrate it’s the first-person perspective. For instance, if you’re writing a narrative, you might say, “I called Marissa on the phone.” Avoid starting every sentence with “I” since this can get repetitive. You can also pepper in dialogue, descriptions of the scene, and action sentences to keep things interesting. If you're writing a first-person narrative, you'll want to make sure everything is told from the perspective of 1 character. This means that everything your character says and does should be consistent with their worldview.  To learn how to polish your first person narrative, read more from our Writing co-author! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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How to write a first person essay

• November 18, 2023

A first person essay is a type of academic essay written in the first person point of view that presents a significant lesson learned from a writer’s personal experience.

The aim of a first person essay is to establish a bond with the reader. You encourage the reader to accompany you on your personal journey when writing this type of essay .

Step 1: First person essay example

Before we go further into the steps, analyze  the following first person essay example This will give you an overall idea of what a first person essay is.

First person essay example

When I think of my past life, one of the memories I remember the most vividly is my first day at school. Hook: Engaging first sentence that helps the reader grasp the importance of the event. I have always been a student that loved school and studying; I am what you might consider a nerd. Therefore, I don’t think it’s necessary for me to say how excited I was to start school. Personal information: Information that connects the reader with the writer.

In the weeks leading up to the first school day, I remember checking my stationary my parents had bought me for school every day and admiring them, thinking how excited I was to finally start using them. Opening sentence: Vivid explanation of the past events, creating a more appealing story. I had already learned to read and write before starting elementary school, and I could not wait to see the look on my teacher’s face when I told them, “I already know this stuff!”. Yes, I was an annoying kid. Insights: Insight into the writer’s personality, which creates a more sincere tone. You can ask my childhood friends if you would like to hear someone else’s thoughts on this; I am sure they will tell you the same thing. Concluding sentence: Casual and humorous tone that eases the reader.

You probably expect a happy first day of school story from me right now. Emotional connection: Addressing the reader, therefore strengthening the emotional connection. The truth is far from that. As much as I was a nerd, I was a mamma’s kid. Insights: Further insight into the writer’s personality. So, when my parents dropped me off at school, I started crying my eyes out. Event: Vivid description of the event. I did not want them to leave, but I also wanted to begin my first school day. So, my mother set eyes on a blonde girl that she thought looked like a good kid and made me sit next to her. After starting to chat with my new friend, I slowly eased off and was ready to put on a show. Needless to say, that blonde girl became one of my best friends in elementary school. Feelings: Description of feelings felt by the writer. This helps strengthen the bond between the writer and the reader. Even though it did not go quite according to my plans, I still cherish the memory of my first day at school. Concluding sentence: Concluding sentence of your paragraph which should be memorable and descriptive.

The rest of the school year was much more eventful because, being a crybaby, I started crying even at the slightest of inconvenience. Emotional connection: More insight into the writer’s personality. Adding these details creates an emotional bond with the reader. Naturally, this created a problem for my teacher and classmates, in so much that the deputy headteacher was telling kids to keep quiet, not because it disrupted the class, but because it made me cry. Emphasizing memories: Recounting of more memories in a casual tone. Thinking back to my first school day and generally, my elementary school experience always makes me happy. Therefore, I always have so much fun talking about my school experiences. Final sentence: Your finishing sentences, make sure to make it memorable for your reader.

Step 2: Structure of a first person essay

When it comes to first person essays, both structured academic writing or casual personal narratives can be used.

But remember that the style of first person essays is typically conversational . You need to combine a mixture of personal anecdotes, an emotional connection, and a clear point of view.  So personal pronouns are highly common in first person essays.

First person pronouns

First person pronouns example.

Pronouns such as “ I ,” “ me ,” and “ we ” First person pronouns must be used when writing first person essays. This contrasts with the third person point of view, which uses third person pronouns such as “ he ,” “ she ,” and “ they ”. Third person pronouns

Second person pronouns

Second-person pronouns example.

First person essays also contrast with the second-person point of view, which uses second-person pronouns such as “ you ,” and “ yours ”. Second-person pronouns

Now that we have learned the essentials of first person essays, we can continue with the steps to write an excellent one.

Step 3: Choosing a first person essay topic

Almost any topic can be written in a first person essay. But this should not scare you, as we have some tactics for you to easily choose your topic .

• It doesn’t matter what you write as long as it’s something you’re enthusiastic about.
• Ask yourself this question: “What have I experienced in the past that has had an emotional appeal on me?”
• Choose a topic that is amusing, compelling or moving.
• If you’re having trouble choosing what to talk about, think about what makes you happy or sad.

First person essay topic examples

• Your first day at school
• Your new life in a new city​
• The funniest day of your life​
• A sad event you have gone through​
• A memory from your childhood​

For this guide, we’ve chosen the topic of “ your first day at school .” Above, you’ll see the example essay . When you’ve worked out what you want to say, move on to the next step: figure out your tone.

Step 4: Define your tone

Before starting your first draft, think about your essay’s tone and language (see UK and US English ). 

Your writing style will need to change depending on the purpose of your essay. For instance, i f you’re writing an argumentative or persuasive essay, you may want to use a calculated and rational first person viewpoint .

This will persuade the reader to agree with your key argument. But when you’re writing a reflective essay , you may want to use satire to keep the reader entertained.

So for first person essays, ask yourself these questions to see if your tone is appropriate:

• Is my tone clear?
• Is my writing intimate and appealing?​
• Can my first person storytelling connect with the reader?​

If your answers to these questions are “ yes ,” you are probably doing a good job.

Step 5: Create an outline

It’s time to make a brief outline now that you’ve selected your topic and decided on the right tone. The outline will help you get your thoughts organized. It will also help you with the order of your headings in the writing process .

Your first person essay should follow the traditional introduction , body paragraphs , and conclusion essay structure, unless stated otherwise.

Example of a first person essay outline

• Personal information
• Concluding sentence
• Final sentence

Ask yourself these questions while creating your outline:

• What are your story’s or argument’s key points?
• What are the places, people, and events that are important for my essay?​
• What do you want people to understand from your first person essay?​
• What feelings do you want to inspire or trigger?​
• What do you want your readers to think about you? ​

Step 6: Write your first draft

Now, let’s get to writing. The first draft of your essay is an important step toward creating a well-thought-out and concentrated academic essay .

First person essay introduction first draft example

Introduction (Hook, Personal information) I was always attracted by the stars in the night sky as a youngster. They appeared to be tiny pinpricks of light, far away and enigmatic. My passion in astronomy only grew as I grew older, and I began to spend countless hours studying the stars and planets. I didn't realize the enormous power of a telescope until I was in college. I could see aspects of the world that I had never dreamed conceivable with such a little tool. I've been studying the stars as an amateur astronomer for almost a decade. I've always been captivated by the universe's beauty and complexity, and I feel is no greater thrill than learning something new about our surroundings.

Things to consider

• Don’t be too harsh on your first draft. You’ll have plenty of time to revise it later.
• All you have to do now is identify your story's basic elements: characters, locations, and incidents.​
• It’s fine to stop, gather your thoughts, and remind yourself of your main idea when writing your first draft.​
• If you can, give yourself a few days to rest after writing the draft, then come back and revise it. ​

More on first draft

Step 7: revise your draft and finish writing, first person essay introduction final draft example.

Introduction (Hook, Personal information) I was always attracted by the stars The stars always attracted me in the night sky as a youngster. They appeared to be tiny pinpricks of light, far away and enigmatic. My passion in astronomy only for astronomy grew as I grew older, and I began to spend spent countless hours studying the stars and planets. I didn't realize only realized the enormous power of a telescope until once I was in college. I could see aspects of the world that I had never dreamed of conceivable with such a little tool. I've been studying studied the stars as an amateur astronomer for almost a decade. I've always been captivated by the universe's beauty and complexity, and I feel and there is no greater incredible thrill than learning something new about our surroundings.

Important things to consider while revising

• Don’t just tell the reader what’s going on; use vivid common words, phrasal words , transition words , and transition sentences to describe the situation and depict the storyline.
• Avoid excessive emotions. It’s perfectly appropriate to convey happiness, frustration, or sadness, but you must strike a balance.​
• Proofread the essay for common mistakes , spelling and grammar mistakes ( active and passive etc.), capitalization rules , punctuation, and repetitions.
• Examine the writing and see if it’s straightforward and to-the-point and whether you’re sharing your ideas in an understandable way.
• Is there consistency in the essay, both structurally and contextually?
• Are there any passive voice sentences that I can rewrite in active voice?​
• Is there enough sensory information in my essay to touch the reader and make them feel like they’re a part of my experience?​

Key takeaways

• A first-person essay is a type of essay that is written from the perspective of the author, using "I" statements and personal experiences.
• To write a first-person essay, you must be willing to share personal details and experiences with your reader.
• Begin your essay with a clear introduction that provides context for your topic and establishes your voice as the author.
• Use personal anecdotes, sensory details, and other techniques to bring your experiences to life and engage the reader.
• End your essay with a conclusion that reflects on your experiences and provides a final thought or message for the reader.

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Table of Contents

Collaboration, information literacy, writing process, using first person in an academic essay: when is it okay.

• CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 by Jenna Pack Sheffield

Related Concepts: Academic Writing – How to Write for the Academic Community ; First-Person Point of View ; Rhetorical Analysis; Rhetorical Stance ; The First Person ; Voice

In order to determine whether or not you can speak or write from the first-person point of view, you need to engage in rhetorical analysis. You need to question whether your audience values and accepts the first person as a legitimate rhetorical stance. Source:Many times, high school students are told not to use first person (“I,” “we,” “my,” “us,” and so forth) in their essays. As a college student, you should realize that this is a rule that can and should be broken—at the right time, of course.

By now, you’ve probably written a personal essay, memoir, or narrative that used first person. After all, how could you write a personal essay about yourself, for instance, without using the dreaded “I” word?

However, academic essays differ from personal essays; they are typically researched and use a formal tone . Because of these differences, when students write an academic essay, they quickly shy away from first person because of what they have been told in high school or because they believe that first person feels too informal for an intellectual, researched text. While first person can definitely be overused in academic essays (which is likely why your teachers tell you not to use it), there are moments in a paper when it is not only appropriate, but also more effective and/or persuasive to use first person. The following are a few instances in which it is appropriate to use first person in an academic essay:

• Including a personal anecdote: You have more than likely been told that you need a strong “hook” to draw your readers in during an introduction. Sometimes, the best hook is a personal anecdote, or a short amusing story about yourself. In this situation, it would seem unnatural not to use first-person pronouns such as “I” and “myself.” Your readers will appreciate the personal touch and will want to keep reading! (For more information about incorporating personal anecdotes into your writing, see “ Employing Narrative in an Essay .”)
• Establishing your credibility ( ethos ): Ethos is a term stemming back to Ancient Greece that essentially means “character” in the sense of trustworthiness or credibility. A writer can establish her ethos by convincing the reader that she is trustworthy source. Oftentimes, the best way to do that is to get personal—tell the reader a little bit about yourself. (For more information about ethos, see “ Ethos .”)For instance, let’s say you are writing an essay arguing that dance is a sport. Using the occasional personal pronoun to let your audience know that you, in fact, are a classically trained dancer—and have the muscles and scars to prove it—goes a long way in establishing your credibility and proving your argument. And this use of first person will not distract or annoy your readers because it is purposeful.
• Clarifying passive constructions : Often, when writers try to avoid using first person in essays, they end up creating confusing, passive sentences . For instance, let’s say I am writing an essay about different word processing technologies, and I want to make the point that I am using Microsoft Word to write this essay. If I tried to avoid first-person pronouns, my sentence might read: “Right now, this essay is being written in Microsoft Word.” While this sentence is not wrong, it is what we call passive—the subject of the sentence is being acted upon because there is no one performing the action. To most people, this sentence sounds better: “Right now, I am writing this essay in Microsoft Word.” Do you see the difference? In this case, using first person makes your writing clearer.
• Stating your position in relation to others: Sometimes, especially in an argumentative essay, it is necessary to state your opinion on the topic . Readers want to know where you stand, and it is sometimes helpful to assert yourself by putting your own opinions into the essay. You can imagine the passive sentences (see above) that might occur if you try to state your argument without using the word “I.” The key here is to use first person sparingly. Use personal pronouns enough to get your point across clearly without inundating your readers with this language.

Now, the above list is certainly not exhaustive. The best thing to do is to use your good judgment, and you can always check with your instructor if you are unsure of his or her perspective on the issue. Ultimately, if you feel that using first person has a purpose or will have a strategic effect on your audience, then it is probably fine to use first-person pronouns. Just be sure not to overuse this language, at the risk of sounding narcissistic, self-centered, or unaware of others’ opinions on a topic.

Recommended Readings:

• A Synthesis of Professor Perspectives on Using First and Third Person in Academic Writing
• Finding the Bunny: How to Make a Personal Connection to Your Writing
• First-Person Point of View

Brevity – Say More with Less

Clarity (in Speech and Writing)

Coherence – How to Achieve Coherence in Writing

Flow – How to Create Flow in Writing

Inclusivity – Inclusive Language

The Elements of Style – The DNA of Powerful Writing

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• Tips & Guides

How To Avoid Using “We,” “You,” And “I” in an Essay

• Posted on October 27, 2022 October 27, 2022

Maintaining a formal voice while writing academic essays and papers is essential to sound objective. 

One of the main rules of academic or formal writing is to avoid first-person pronouns like “we,” “you,” and “I.” These words pull focus away from the topic and shift it to the speaker – the opposite of your goal.

While it may seem difficult at first, some tricks can help you avoid personal language and keep a professional tone.

Let’s learn how to avoid using “we” in an essay.

What Is a Personal Pronoun?

Pronouns are words used to refer to a noun indirectly. Examples include “he,” “his,” “her,” and “hers.” Any time you refer to a noun – whether a person, object, or animal – without using its name, you use a pronoun.

Personal pronouns are a type of pronoun. A personal pronoun is a pronoun you use whenever you directly refer to the subject of the sentence. 

Take the following short paragraph as an example:

“Mr. Smith told the class yesterday to work on our essays. Mr. Smith also said that Mr. Smith lost Mr. Smith’s laptop in the lunchroom.”

The above sentence contains no pronouns at all. There are three places where you would insert a pronoun, but only two where you would put a personal pronoun. See the revised sentence below:

“Mr. Smith told the class yesterday to work on our essays. He also said that he lost his laptop in the lunchroom.”

“He” is a personal pronoun because we are talking directly about Mr. Smith. “His” is not a personal pronoun (it’s a possessive pronoun) because we are not speaking directly about Mr. Smith. Rather, we are talking about Mr. Smith’s laptop.

If later on you talk about Mr. Smith’s laptop, you may say:

“Mr. Smith found it in his car, not the lunchroom!” 

In this case, “it” is a personal pronoun because in this point of view we are making a reference to the laptop directly and not as something owned by Mr. Smith.

Why Avoid Personal Pronouns in Essay Writing

We’re teaching you how to avoid using “I” in writing, but why is this necessary? Academic writing aims to focus on a clear topic, sound objective, and paint the writer as a source of authority. Word choice can significantly impact your success in achieving these goals.

Writing that uses personal pronouns can unintentionally shift the reader’s focus onto the writer, pulling their focus away from the topic at hand.

Personal pronouns may also make your work seem less objective. 

One of the most challenging parts of essay writing is learning which words to avoid and how to avoid them. Fortunately, following a few simple tricks, you can master the English Language and write like a pro in no time.

Alternatives To Using Personal Pronouns

How to not use “I” in a paper? What are the alternatives? There are many ways to avoid the use of personal pronouns in academic writing. By shifting your word choice and sentence structure, you can keep the overall meaning of your sentences while re-shaping your tone.

Utilize Passive Voice

In conventional writing, students are taught to avoid the passive voice as much as possible, but it can be an excellent way to avoid first-person pronouns in academic writing.

You can use the passive voice to avoid using pronouns. Take this sentence, for example:

“ We used 150 ml of HCl for the experiment.”

Instead of using “we” and the active voice, you can use a passive voice without a pronoun. The sentence above becomes:

“150 ml of HCl were used for the experiment.” 

Using the passive voice removes your team from the experiment and makes your work sound more objective.

Take a Third-Person Perspective

Another answer to “how to avoid using ‘we’ in an essay?” is the use of a third-person perspective. Changing the perspective is a good way to take first-person pronouns out of a sentence. A third-person point of view will not use any first-person pronouns because the information is not given from the speaker’s perspective.

A third-person sentence is spoken entirely about the subject where the speaker is outside of the sentence.

Take a look at the sentence below:

“In this article you will learn about formal writing.”

The perspective in that sentence is second person, and it uses the personal pronoun “you.” You can change this sentence to sound more objective by using third-person pronouns:

“In this article the reader will learn about formal writing.”

The use of a third-person point of view makes the second sentence sound more academic and confident. Second-person pronouns, like those used in the first sentence, sound less formal and objective.

Be Specific With Word Choice

You can avoid first-personal pronouns by choosing your words carefully. Often, you may find that you are inserting unnecessary nouns into your work. 

Take the following sentence as an example:

“ My research shows the students did poorly on the test.”

In this case, the first-person pronoun ‘my’ can be entirely cut out from the sentence. It then becomes:

“Research shows the students did poorly on the test.”

The second sentence is more succinct and sounds more authoritative without changing the sentence structure.

You should also make sure to watch out for the improper use of adverbs and nouns. Being careful with your word choice regarding nouns, adverbs, verbs, and adjectives can help mitigate your use of personal pronouns. 

“They bravely started the French revolution in 1789.” 

While this sentence might be fine in a story about the revolution, an essay or academic piece should only focus on the facts. The world ‘bravely’ is a good indicator that you are inserting unnecessary personal pronouns into your work.

We can revise this sentence into:

“The French revolution started in 1789.” 

Avoid adverbs (adjectives that describe verbs), and you will find that you avoid personal pronouns by default.

Closing Thoughts

In academic writing, It is crucial to sound objective and focus on the topic. Using personal pronouns pulls the focus away from the subject and makes writing sound subjective.

Hopefully, this article has helped you learn how to avoid using “we” in an essay.

When working on any formal writing assignment, avoid personal pronouns and informal language as much as possible.

While getting the hang of academic writing, you will likely make some mistakes, so revising is vital. Always double-check for personal pronouns, plagiarism , spelling mistakes, and correctly cited pieces. 

 You can prevent and correct mistakes using a plagiarism checker at any time, completely for free.

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• Knowledge Base
• How to write an expository essay

How to Write an Expository Essay | Structure, Tips & Examples

Published on July 14, 2020 by Jack Caulfield . Revised on July 23, 2023.

“Expository” means “intended to explain or describe something.” An expository essay provides a clear, focused explanation of a particular topic, process, or set of ideas. It doesn’t set out to prove a point, just to give a balanced view of its subject matter.

Expository essays are usually short assignments intended to test your composition skills or your understanding of a subject. They tend to involve less research and original arguments than argumentative essays .

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Table of contents

When should you write an expository essay, how to approach an expository essay, introducing your essay, writing the body paragraphs, concluding your essay, other interesting articles, frequently asked questions about expository essays.

In school and university, you might have to write expository essays as in-class exercises, exam questions, or coursework assignments.

Sometimes it won’t be directly stated that the assignment is an expository essay, but there are certain keywords that imply expository writing is required. Consider the prompts below.

The word “explain” here is the clue: An essay responding to this prompt should provide an explanation of this historical process—not necessarily an original argument about it.

Sometimes you’ll be asked to define a particular term or concept. This means more than just copying down the dictionary definition; you’ll be expected to explore different ideas surrounding the term, as this prompt emphasizes.

Prevent plagiarism. Run a free check.

An expository essay should take an objective approach: It isn’t about your personal opinions or experiences. Instead, your goal is to provide an informative and balanced explanation of your topic. Avoid using the first or second person (“I” or “you”).

The structure of your expository essay will vary according to the scope of your assignment and the demands of your topic. It’s worthwhile to plan out your structure before you start, using an essay outline .

A common structure for a short expository essay consists of five paragraphs: An introduction, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Like all essays, an expository essay begins with an introduction . This serves to hook the reader’s interest, briefly introduce your topic, and provide a thesis statement summarizing what you’re going to say about it.

Hover over different parts of the example below to see how a typical introduction works.

In many ways, the invention of the printing press marked the end of the Middle Ages. The medieval period in Europe is often remembered as a time of intellectual and political stagnation. Prior to the Renaissance, the average person had very limited access to books and was unlikely to be literate. The invention of the printing press in the 15th century allowed for much less restricted circulation of information in Europe, paving the way for the Reformation.

The body of your essay is where you cover your topic in depth. It often consists of three paragraphs, but may be more for a longer essay. This is where you present the details of the process, idea or topic you’re explaining.

It’s important to make sure each paragraph covers its own clearly defined topic, introduced with a topic sentence . Different topics (all related to the overall subject matter of the essay) should be presented in a logical order, with clear transitions between paragraphs.

Hover over different parts of the example paragraph below to see how a body paragraph is constructed.

The invention of the printing press in 1440 changed this situation dramatically. Johannes Gutenberg, who had worked as a goldsmith, used his knowledge of metals in the design of the press. He made his type from an alloy of lead, tin, and antimony, whose durability allowed for the reliable production of high-quality books. This new technology allowed texts to be reproduced and disseminated on a much larger scale than was previously possible. The Gutenberg Bible appeared in the 1450s, and a large number of printing presses sprang up across the continent in the following decades. Gutenberg’s invention rapidly transformed cultural production in Europe; among other things, it would lead to the Protestant Reformation.

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The conclusion of an expository essay serves to summarize the topic under discussion. It should not present any new information or evidence, but should instead focus on reinforcing the points made so far. Essentially, your conclusion is there to round off the essay in an engaging way.

Hover over different parts of the example below to see how a conclusion works.

The invention of the printing press was important not only in terms of its immediate cultural and economic effects, but also in terms of its major impact on politics and religion across Europe. In the century following the invention of the printing press, the relatively stationary intellectual atmosphere of the Middle Ages gave way to the social upheavals of the Reformation and the Renaissance. A single technological innovation had contributed to the total reshaping of the continent.

If you want to know more about AI tools , college essays , or fallacies make sure to check out some of our other articles with explanations and examples or go directly to our tools!

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An expository essay is a broad form that varies in length according to the scope of the assignment.

Expository essays are often assigned as a writing exercise or as part of an exam, in which case a five-paragraph essay of around 800 words may be appropriate.

You’ll usually be given guidelines regarding length; if you’re not sure, ask.

An expository essay is a common assignment in high-school and university composition classes. It might be assigned as coursework, in class, or as part of an exam.

Sometimes you might not be told explicitly to write an expository essay. Look out for prompts containing keywords like “explain” and “define.” An expository essay is usually the right response to these prompts.

An argumentative essay tends to be a longer essay involving independent research, and aims to make an original argument about a topic. Its thesis statement makes a contentious claim that must be supported in an objective, evidence-based way.

An expository essay also aims to be objective, but it doesn’t have to make an original argument. Rather, it aims to explain something (e.g., a process or idea) in a clear, concise way. Expository essays are often shorter assignments and rely less on research.

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Caulfield, J. (2023, July 23). How to Write an Expository Essay | Structure, Tips & Examples. Scribbr. Retrieved March 25, 2024, from https://www.scribbr.com/academic-essay/expository-essay/

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Word lists, cheat sheets, and sometimes irreverent reviews of writing rules. kathy steinemann is the author of the writer's lexicon series..

30+ Ways to Avoid Repetition of “I” in First-Person Writing

First-person narrative engages readers, who experience the world from your narrator’s perspective — including intimate thoughts and feelings. However, it’s easy to overplay constructions such as I did this and I thought that and I wanted something else.

Many people claim the I, I, I approach is permissible because I is an invisible word like said .

Don’t believe them.

Prose or poetry with an overabundance of the same words or structures will seem off. Readers might not be able to tell you what’s wrong, but they know they’re unsettled by something .

Consider the Following Two Story Snippets

I answered the irresistible beckoning of the backyard. I watched brightly colored birds there frolicking in the breeze as they fluttered toward the creek. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun . I smelled the fragrance of the clover underneath my feet, a fragrance so sweet I could almost taste it. I heard fledgling robins twittering in a nearby tree.

I thought to myself , This is the life. I knew I never wanted to leave this place.

I decided to phone the real estate agent and tell her to take the FOR SALE sign off my lawn. She acted as though she had expected my call.

I told her in a firm voice that my mind was made up, and yes, I understood she would still receive her full commission.

I realized I didn’t care about the money.

The backyard beckoned with its irresistible sights and sounds. Frolicking in the breeze, brightly colored birds fluttered toward the creek. The sun warmed my closed eyelids, and my nostrils were flooded by the sweet fragrance of clover underneath my feet, a fragrance so sweet it almost sugared the taste buds. In a nearby tree, fledgling robins twittered.

This is the life. Who in their right mind would ever leave this place?

The real estate agent acted as though she had expected my call when asked to take the FOR SALE sign off the lawn.

My voice was firm. “Yes, my mind is made up. … Understood. … You’ll still receive your full commission.”

Hah! Who cares about the money?

Beware Verbosity

Rewrites could result in bloat, and the wrong words could make you seem pretentious or long-winded.

The second snippet reduces, rather than increases, word count.

The first example would be even shorter with the removal of to myself. Who else would you think to? Your editor? Your cat? Or maybe your dictation software?

Did You Notice the Changes?

Almost every sentence in the first example begins with I.

In the rewrite, note the removal of several filtering phrases:

I watched I … felt I smelled I could … taste I heard I thought I knew I decided I told I understood I realized

Whenever you filter thoughts and senses through your narrator’s eyes, you distance readers from your story — like a selfie of a selfie. Use the direct approach instead.

Passive voice appeared once to vary sentence structure. “I smelled the fragrance of the clover underneath my feet ” became “my nostrils were flooded by the sweet fragrance of clover underneath my feet.”

A so-called rule of writing is not to use passive voice. However, you’ll find times such as this when it’s warranted.

The phrase could also have been written as “my nostrils flooded with the sweet fragrance of clover underneath my feet.”

Reread the examples. Compare again. You’ll notice subtle changes that make the text flow smoother.

A Partial List of Filter Words

Watch for these or their equivalents. They all have the potential to weaken your writing:

A to W assume, be able to, believe, can, decide, experience, feel (or feel like) , hear, know, look, note, notice, realize, remember, see, seem, sound (or sound like), taste, think, touch, watch, wonder

Change the Focus

Just because you’re writing in first person doesn’t mean you, the storyteller, should be the most important character in the piece.

If you concentrate on the activities of other characters, readers will feel as though they are you. They still know you’re the narrator, but you become invisible.

Try These I Alternatives

I agree: We are in agreement

I am convinced that: In my opinion

I am sure that: Correct me if my opinion is wrong

I believe: The experts say (or, in Dothraki , “It is known”)

I decided: It was my intention

I disagree: You are wrong

I dislike that: That’s not for me

I don’t know: That’s an excellent question

I feel: In light of the evidence

I have experience in: My experience includes

I interpret the results: The results indicate

I like: It’s one of my favorites

I was nearly hit by a car: A car nearly hit me

I’ll show you: The report will show you

I’m hungry: My stomach is growling

Beware the Me-My Snare

In an attempt to remove instances of I, you might introduce excessive repetition of me and my .

For instance, “I felt an irresistible urge to buy the shoes” could become “An irresistible urge to buy the shoes came over me .”

“I saw three chickadees sitting on the fence” could end up as “Three chickadees sitting on the fence came into my view.”

As shown by the strikeout, you can often omit my .

Rely on Your Ears

They’re excellent critics.

Read your text out loud or harness your computer’s text-to-speech capabilities and listen to your writing . Repetitions that hide from notice during a silent read often become obvious and irritating when processed by the ears .

Are You Interested in Word Lists and Writing Tips?

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28 thoughts on “ 30+ Ways to Avoid Repetition of “I” in First-Person Writing ”

how can we replace i in this sentence i had a dream to spend a beautiful day at an island

Sleep, peaceful sleep, filled the night, interrupted only by the dream of an idyllic day on a tiny island.

Hello Kathy,

Me again. Since reading your article, I have made a greater conscious effort in avoiding the use of “I” in my first-person stories. However, in doing so, I’m noticing I am starting to use “-ing” words to begin sentences more often, and I understand that’s something to use sparingly in fiction writing.

I may be over-analysing my works (that’s a bad habit of mine), but if using “I” in a sentence, whether it’s beginning a sentence or in the middle of it, creates a clearer structured sentence when compared to using a “-ing” word, would you say it’s okay to use “I”, or to try and figure out another way of structuring the sentence to avoid either?

On a side note, sometimes when I do avoid both, the sentence gets written in passive voice, as that seems to be the only way to structure it, while keeping it clear and precise. For example, a sentence within a story of mine read: “Rather than wasting time on breakfast, I can use it for more important things, such as training.” After re-editing it, it became: “Rather than wasting time on breakfast, it can be used for more important things, such as training.”

I’m really just trying to determine out of “I”, “-ing”, or passive voice, which is the best to use. Apologies if this is unclear. Sometimes that’s my thought process for you. There’s logic in there, but you’ve gotta dig past all the dribble to find it.

Kind regards, Footrot Flats

Phrases such as the following can help eliminate some instances of “I”:

– experience has shown – statistics indicate – events suggest – circumstances often require

Regarding your sentence: “Rather than wasting time on breakfast, it can be used for more important things, such as training.”

Try something like: “[Whatever ‘it’ is] can focus on activities, such as training, which are more important than breakfast.”

Remember: The goal is not to eliminate words but to eliminate their overuse.

Thank you for the response, Kathy!

I’ll keep those phrases in mind and see if they can be used anywhere that fits. Thank you for the suggestion as well.

I understand it’s okay to use “I”, just not too often, which is what I’m trying to do, but also figuring out how often “I” is fine to use. Finding that ‘Goldilocks Zone’ is my next challenge. If it’s used once every few paragraphs, it doesn’t stick out at me, but if I see two (or more) I’s in the same field of view, that’s when I tend to change it.

I may or may not pop up again sometime in the future. If I don’t, your article and advise has helped me immensely, so thank you for the time and effort you have put in. It’s much appreciated.

All the best, and stay safe too! Footrot Flats

When writing stories, I’ve always tried avoiding the usage of I’s (same goes for adverbs). 95% of the time, there’s an alternative way of describing a scene, whether it’s action, thoughts or dialogue, but something, every now and then, there just doesn’t seem to be a way to avoid using I (or an adverb).

Like adverbs, would you say it’s okay to use ‘I’ sparingly?

In some cases, the word ‘I’ gets replaced with an adverb, and then I enter a never-ending cycle.

Your approach is astute, FF.

Words exist for a reason, including adverbs and I . The goal is not to eliminate them but to reduce their frequency and make them “invisible” to readers. That turns them into useful tools.

Good luck with your writing, and please stay safe! (Exclamation points, em dashes, and parentheses are more useful tools — when used sparingly. 🙂 )

Thank you for the reply Kathy.

I agree that making them “invisible” rather than eliminating them completely is the better approach. Everything would provide a greater impact when used sparingly.

All the best, and stay safe too. Footrot Flats

Hello Kathy, the article above really helped me but i am still just a little confused. . . . would it be alright if you could un-I-ify my story. i haven’t written much and i probably wont be using it, but just to get a rough idea on how i could do it.

I was sitting on the train minding my own business and reading a book, when I casually looked out the window. It was pretty dark and rainy, but I could still see the blurry silhouette of the woods turning into a dim lighted village. As I was about to turn away, I started to sweat and felt a pounding in my head. My heart felt as if I had just run a marathon 3 times and I could hear my blood rushing through my ears. My hands shook and my breathing turned uneven. My vision went all blurry. I had to get away. I did not want to be on a train while having a panic attack. I stood up and hit my knee on the table but I ignored the pain. I grabbed my book and backpack and yelled for assistance. An assistant quickly rushed over and asked if I needed anything. I told her to stop the train. “But ma’am, we don’t have a station here, we can’t stop here-” “Just stop the train. NOW! Please!” I cut her off. “Ma’am, are you feeling ok? You should probably sit down.” She offers. “STOP THE TRAIN! NOW!” I shout. She nodded to me and swiveled around and quickly rushed to the front of the train. My mouth started to feel dry and I could feel tears coming starting to form at the corners of my eyes. By this time I was shaking. I turned to the nearest compartment and grabbed the glass of water on the table. I took one big sip and looked up at the young bloke who was sitting there. My mouth felt a bit better knowing it was hydrated and I could say my words without them sounding raspy. “I am so sorry. I really needed that drink.” I grabbed my backpack and took out £2 and put it down on the table. “I’m really sorry about the drink, I know you paid for that so here’s the money. I know it was 3 pound but this is all I can find right now.” I blurted out. I could feel the train slowing down and felt nauseous. I sat down in the young blokes compartment seat and looked down. I could feel the guy’s eyes staring at the top of my head which made me feel uncomfortable.

sorry if thats too much. thank you 🙂

Thanks for stopping by, Astoria.

I’ve retired from editing, but you can join online critique groups free of charge.

Scribophile and Critique Circle are two popular sites.

Good luck with your writing, and stay safe!

Undertaking a short story/flash fiction assignment for Open University. Word count is up to 800 words. The premise is in hand, and I’ve done a plan.

Really want to do it in First POV, though I know third is easy to fall back on. Your advice is brilliant, I am just so nervous of the structure and grammar. I don’t envision that creative writing is for me, as the strain of English Lit etc scares me.

You can do this, Louise. I hope you’ll be able to use some of the advice in this post.

Good luck, and stay safe!

This is so frustrating, As I edit my work I can’t think of anything to replace my ‘I’ overuse!!!

Think less of how you control the action and more about how the action happens, period. The suggestions in this article will help.

Thanks for stopping by, Max!

Great article. Chuck Palahnuik is an expert at submerging the ‘I’, and I’m constantly perplexed about how to avoid the pitfalls you mentioned when following his advice. This has helped a great deal.

Thanks, Tom. May your muse be ever with you — and stay safe.

I get it, I just don’t know how to repair the problem. Online English class?

There’s no magic one-size-fits-all approach. You have to examine each occurrence to determine a suitable remedy. This requires time and effort; but as you edit, you become more proficient at creating solutions.

Thanks for stopping by!

Can you please give me some examples of books written in first person, without the overuse of ‘I’? My 13 year old daughter is in an Academic Excellence class and has had her eyes opened and mind blown buy how removing the ‘I’s, it makes you live the story. She has Aspergers and dyslexia and has always loved writing, it is her get away. We would be truly grateful for some guidance.

Warmest wishes Michelle Australia

Hi, Michelle. Thanks for stopping by.

The books that stand out in my mind are To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, all The Hunger Games books by Suzanne Collins, and Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. They should keep your daughter busy for a while.

Thank you very much Kathy. I am truly grateful.

May you too keep safe.

Warmest wishes Michelle

Thank you so much. I always put I’s in my stories and it bothered me because ‘I’ use it repeatedly. That’s when ‘I’ started to notice it also want to thank you for the alternatives to making my story look as if a professional wrote it. Well I’m no professional but hopefully one day. 4 years later and came across this website. Thank you btw. (PS I was embarrassed now because I used my I’s a lot in this comment lolz so I had to fix it to make it right ) Anyways I’m forever grateful and have a good year in 2020!

Thanks for stopping by, Nora. Yes, those Is can be slippery little creatures. You’ve made the most important step by recognizing the problem.

You have a great 2020 too, and may the muses favor your writing!

Excellent, as per usual. 🙂

Thanks, Jenn!

Another excellent post, Kathy. This is exactly what I was looking for. As an added bonus, I now know what filter words are. Time for another edit on my latest WIP. (Heck – I’ve just noticed two I’s in the above comment. Oh no, there’s another two!)

Thanks, Tom. I laughed out loud as I was reading your reply. Next week I’ll be posting an open letter to book pirates. Arrgh! Three I ‘s.

Let’s see …

As my eyes scrutinized your reply, a humongous LOL burst from my lips. Next week’s blog post will feature an open letter to book pirates.

Doesn’t have the same snap, does it?

Comments are closed.

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Student Opinion

To Whom Would You Write an Open Letter?

A politician or a celebrity? A leader of a company? A school administrator? Your mom? Use our questions below to brainstorm ideas for our contest.

By Katherine Schulten and Natalie Proulx

What’s bothering you? Who could do something about it? What could you say that would persuade that person to care or to make change?

And what if we all read your letter? How could you make us care, too?

These are some of the questions we’re asking you to ponder for our new Open Letter Contest . An open letter is a published letter of protest or appeal usually addressed to an individual, group or institution but intended for the general public. Think of the many “Dear Taylor Swift” open letters you can find online and on social media: Sure, they’re written to Ms. Swift, but they’re really a way for the writer to share opinions and feelings on feminism, or ticket sales, or the music industry, or … the list goes on.

We’re inviting you to do this, too. Write your own open letter, to anyone you like on any issue you care about, as long as it is also appropriate and meaningful for a general New York Times audience.

To whom should you write? What should you say?

Take a look at a few examples that have been published in The Times over the years. (In The Times, open letters often appear in the Opinion section since they are persuasive essays written in the form of letters, as you’ll see.)

For instance, sometimes an open letter is intended to call someone out publicly, like this one written to Mark Zuckerberg , the chief executive of Facebook (now Meta), by the screenwriter Aaron Sorkin in 2019. Here is how it begins:

Mark, In 2010, I wrote “The Social Network” and I know you wish I hadn’t. You protested that the film was inaccurate and that Hollywood didn’t understand that some people build things just for the sake of building them. (We do understand that — we do it every day.) I didn’t push back on your public accusation that the movie was a lie because I’d had my say in the theaters, but you and I both know that the screenplay was vetted to within an inch of its life by a team of studio lawyers with one client and one goal: Don’t get sued by Mark Zuckerberg. It was hard not to feel the irony while I was reading excerpts from your recent speech at Georgetown University, in which you defended — on free speech grounds — Facebook’s practice of posting demonstrably false ads from political candidates. I admire your deep belief in free speech. I get a lot of use out of the First Amendment. Most important, it’s a bedrock of our democracy and it needs to be kept strong. But this can’t possibly be the outcome you and I want, to have crazy lies pumped into the water supply that corrupt the most important decisions we make together. Lies that have a very real and incredibly dangerous effect on our elections and our lives and our children’s lives.

But an open letter doesn’t have to be written by someone famous to someone famous. In An Open Letter to the Woman Who Told My Family to Go Back to China (student version; here is the original ), the journalist Michael Luo addresses an anonymous woman on the street. It begins:

Dear Madam: Maybe I should have let it go. Turned the other cheek. We had just gotten out of church, and I was with my family and some friends on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. We were going to lunch, trying to see if there was room in the Korean restaurant down the street. You were in a rush. It was raining. Our stroller and a gaggle of Asians were in your way. But I was, honestly, stunned when you yelled at us from down the block, “Go back to China!”

Open letters can also honor and thank someone, and call attention to the continued importance of their work. In 2017, at the end of Barack Obama’s tenure as president, the rapper T.I. wrote him an open letter :

You entered humbly into our worlds from the streets of the South Side of Chicago and galvanized a generation. You resonated from the barbershops to the airwaves to the streets of every hood across America. Many of US did not know your name, nor did we truly understand the impact you would have on the world in the years, months and days that followed. As I reflect, I am filled with gratitude, outrage, grief, anger, humility and appreciation, both for the things you helped bring to light and the many things we still have yet to realize.

Or they can inspire and motivate, as the columnist Timothy Egan’s letter “ Dear Graduate ,” from 2009, does. Here’s an excerpt:

Eat a hot dog. With lots of mustard. The kind you can get for two dollars from street vendors just outside the ballpark, a trick I picked up from Ash Green, gentleman editor at Alfred A. Knopf. He passed this wisdom on before the recession. While we’re on the subject: Learn to cook, something they don’t teach at fancy-pants colleges. Millions for quantum physics and deconstructing Dostoevsky, nothing on how to make enchiladas for 20 people. At times, your life will have moments, days, even weeks of despair. Trust me: there is no bout of blues that a rich Bolognese sauce, filling every cubic inch of kitchen air, cannot cure. And that brings me to: Take risks. I don’t mean ski the double diamond runs, ask for a card in blackjack with 15 showing and the dealer holding a king, or hit a high note in a karaoke bar, while sober. That goes without saying.

Students, read the open letters above, and then tell us: To whom would you most like to write an open letter?

Here are some questions that can help you brainstorm which audience you might want to address:

Is there someone famous who has made you mad, or has intrigued or impressed you? Or someone to whom you’d like to offer your expertise, advice or opinion? Like a politician, an athlete, a leader of a corporation, an artist or an entertainer?

Is there a powerful person or institution that you’d like to call out publicly? Someone who you believe needs to be held accountable in some way? What have they done that you think others need to know about?

Is there a person or group you would like to inspire or motivate to take action? What is it that you want them to consider, reflect on or do?

Is there someone closer to home, like a parent, a friend, a teacher or a neighbor, you’d like to address? What would you say to this person that would be meaningful, important and appropriate for a general audience to hear?

Is there a person or group you would like to address because you want to honor or thank them or to reflect on their contribution to society, as T.I. did in his letter to Mr. Obama? What has this person or institution done, and what effect has it had on you and others? Why do you think it’s worth acknowledging publicly?

If no one person or group comes to mind, perhaps a cause or issue inspires you.

For a decade we ran an editorial contest , and the students who participated in it wrote passionately about all kinds of things: artificial intelligence , fast fashion , race , transgender rights , college admissions , parental incarceration , fan fiction , snow days , memes , being messy and so much more . You can still write about the issues and ideas that fire you up — but this time around you’ll be writing a letter to a person who has the power to bring change or understanding to that issue. Here are some questions that might help you brainstorm:

What causes or issues do you care about? Why are they important to you? What experiences do you have with them?

What would you like to see change? Why? How would that change be meaningful to you or to the communities you care about?

What do you wish more people understood? What is something you know a great deal about that you think others would benefit from understanding better?

Once you have a sense of your issue, ask yourself:

Who can make a change, big or small, local or global, to address this issue?

In the comments, tell us to whom you’d like to write an open letter, the reason you’re writing and why you think that issue is important not only for the recipient but also for a wider audience.

Then, if you’re so inspired, you can turn your comment into an open letter and submit it to our contest . Find out more about how to write your letter in our related guide .

Students 13 and older in the United States and Britain, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public and may appear in print.

Find more Student Opinion questions here. Teachers, check out this guide to learn how you can incorporate these prompts into your classroom.

Katherine Schulten has been a Learning Network editor since 2006. Before that, she spent 19 years in New York City public schools as an English teacher, school-newspaper adviser and literacy coach. More about Katherine Schulten

Natalie Proulx joined The Learning Network as a staff editor in 2017 after working as an English language arts teacher and curriculum writer. More about Natalie Proulx

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• The Case for Marrying an Older Man

A woman’s life is all work and little rest. An age gap relationship can help.

In the summer, in the south of France, my husband and I like to play, rather badly, the lottery. We take long, scorching walks to the village — gratuitous beauty, gratuitous heat — kicking up dust and languid debates over how we’d spend such an influx. I purchase scratch-offs, jackpot tickets, scraping the former with euro coins in restaurants too fine for that. I never cash them in, nor do I check the winning numbers. For I already won something like the lotto, with its gifts and its curses, when he married me.

He is ten years older than I am. I chose him on purpose, not by chance. As far as life decisions go, on balance, I recommend it.

When I was 20 and a junior at Harvard College, a series of great ironies began to mock me. I could study all I wanted, prove myself as exceptional as I liked, and still my fiercest advantage remained so universal it deflated my other plans. My youth. The newness of my face and body. Compellingly effortless; cruelly fleeting. I shared it with the average, idle young woman shrugging down the street. The thought, when it descended on me, jolted my perspective, the way a falling leaf can make you look up: I could diligently craft an ideal existence, over years and years of sleepless nights and industry. Or I could just marry it early.

So naturally I began to lug a heavy suitcase of books each Saturday to the Harvard Business School to work on my Nabokov paper. In one cavernous, well-appointed room sat approximately 50 of the planet’s most suitable bachelors. I had high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out. Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.

I could not understand why my female classmates did not join me, given their intelligence. Each time I reconsidered the project, it struck me as more reasonable. Why ignore our youth when it amounted to a superpower? Why assume the burdens of womanhood, its too-quick-to-vanish upper hand, but not its brief benefits at least? Perhaps it came easier to avoid the topic wholesale than to accept that women really do have a tragically short window of power, and reason enough to take advantage of that fact while they can. As for me, I liked history, Victorian novels, knew of imminent female pitfalls from all the books I’d read: vampiric boyfriends; labor, at the office and in the hospital, expected simultaneously; a decline in status as we aged, like a looming eclipse. I’d have disliked being called calculating, but I had, like all women, a calculator in my head. I thought it silly to ignore its answers when they pointed to an unfairness for which we really ought to have been preparing.

I was competitive by nature, an English-literature student with all the corresponding major ambitions and minor prospects (Great American novel; email job). A little Bovarist , frantic for new places and ideas; to travel here, to travel there, to be in the room where things happened. I resented the callow boys in my class, who lusted after a particular, socially sanctioned type on campus: thin and sexless, emotionally detached and socially connected, the opposite of me. Restless one Saturday night, I slipped on a red dress and snuck into a graduate-school event, coiling an HDMI cord around my wrist as proof of some technical duty. I danced. I drank for free, until one of the organizers asked me to leave. I called and climbed into an Uber. Then I promptly climbed out of it. For there he was, emerging from the revolving doors. Brown eyes, curved lips, immaculate jacket. I went to him, asked him for a cigarette. A date, days later. A second one, where I discovered he was a person, potentially my favorite kind: funny, clear-eyed, brilliant, on intimate terms with the universe.

I used to love men like men love women — that is, not very well, and with a hunger driven only by my own inadequacies. Not him. In those early days, I spoke fondly of my family, stocked the fridge with his favorite pasta, folded his clothes more neatly than I ever have since. I wrote his mother a thank-you note for hosting me in his native France, something befitting a daughter-in-law. It worked; I meant it. After graduation and my fellowship at Oxford, I stayed in Europe for his career and married him at 23.

Of course I just fell in love. Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal , and preferred instead to consider a thing called ease.

The reception of a particular age-gap relationship depends on its obviousness. The greater and more visible the difference in years and status between a man and a woman, the more it strikes others as transactional. Transactional thinking in relationships is both as American as it gets and the least kosher subject in the American romantic lexicon. When a 50-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman walk down the street, the questions form themselves inside of you; they make you feel cynical and obscene: How good of a deal is that? Which party is getting the better one? Would I take it? He is older. Income rises with age, so we assume he has money, at least relative to her; at minimum, more connections and experience. She has supple skin. Energy. Sex. Maybe she gets a Birkin. Maybe he gets a baby long after his prime. The sight of their entwined hands throws a lucid light on the calculations each of us makes, in love, to varying degrees of denial. You could get married in the most romantic place in the world, like I did, and you would still have to sign a contract.

Twenty and 30 is not like 30 and 40; some freshness to my features back then, some clumsiness in my bearing, warped our decade, in the eyes of others, to an uncrossable gulf. Perhaps this explains the anger we felt directed at us at the start of our relationship. People seemed to take us very, very personally. I recall a hellish car ride with a friend of his who began to castigate me in the backseat, in tones so low that only I could hear him. He told me, You wanted a rich boyfriend. You chased and snuck into parties . He spared me the insult of gold digger, but he drew, with other words, the outline for it. Most offended were the single older women, my husband’s classmates. They discussed me in the bathroom at parties when I was in the stall. What does he see in her? What do they talk about? They were concerned about me. They wielded their concern like a bludgeon. They paraphrased without meaning to my favorite line from Nabokov’s Lolita : “You took advantage of my disadvantage,” suspecting me of some weakness he in turn mined. It did not disturb them, so much, to consider that all relationships were trades. The trouble was the trade I’d made struck them as a bad one.

The truth is you can fall in love with someone for all sorts of reasons, tiny transactions, pluses and minuses, whose sum is your affection for each other, your loyalty, your commitment. The way someone picks up your favorite croissant. Their habit of listening hard. What they do for you on your anniversary and your reciprocal gesture, wrapped thoughtfully. The serenity they inspire; your happiness, enlivening it. When someone says they feel unappreciated, what they really mean is you’re in debt to them.

When I think of same-age, same-stage relationships, what I tend to picture is a woman who is doing too much for too little.

I’m 27 now, and most women my age have “partners.” These days, girls become partners quite young. A partner is supposed to be a modern answer to the oppression of marriage, the terrible feeling of someone looming over you, head of a household to which you can only ever be the neck. Necks are vulnerable. The problem with a partner, however, is if you’re equal in all things, you compromise in all things. And men are too skilled at taking .

There is a boy out there who knows how to floss because my friend taught him. Now he kisses college girls with fresh breath. A boy married to my friend who doesn’t know how to pack his own suitcase. She “likes to do it for him.” A million boys who know how to touch a woman, who go to therapy because they were pushed, who learned fidelity, boundaries, decency, manners, to use a top sheet and act humanely beneath it, to call their mothers, match colors, bring flowers to a funeral and inhale, exhale in the face of rage, because some girl, some girl we know, some girl they probably don’t speak to and will never, ever credit, took the time to teach him. All while she was working, raising herself, clawing up the cliff-face of adulthood. Hauling him at her own expense.

I find a post on Reddit where five thousand men try to define “ a woman’s touch .” They describe raised flower beds, blankets, photographs of their loved ones, not hers, sprouting on the mantel overnight. Candles, coasters, side tables. Someone remembering to take lint out of the dryer. To give compliments. I wonder what these women are getting back. I imagine them like Cinderella’s mice, scurrying around, their sole proof of life their contributions to a more central character. On occasion I meet a nice couple, who grew up together. They know each other with a fraternalism tender and alien to me.  But I think of all my friends who failed at this, were failed at this, and I think, No, absolutely not, too risky . Riskier, sometimes, than an age gap.

My younger brother is in his early 20s, handsome, successful, but in many ways: an endearing disaster. By his age, I had long since wisened up. He leaves his clothes in the dryer, takes out a single shirt, steams it for three minutes. His towel on the floor, for someone else to retrieve. His lovely, same-age girlfriend is aching to fix these tendencies, among others. She is capable beyond words. Statistically, they will not end up together. He moved into his first place recently, and she, the girlfriend, supplied him with a long, detailed list of things he needed for his apartment: sheets, towels, hangers, a colander, which made me laugh. She picked out his couch. I will bet you anything she will fix his laundry habits, and if so, they will impress the next girl. If they break up, she will never see that couch again, and he will forget its story. I tell her when I visit because I like her, though I get in trouble for it: You shouldn’t do so much for him, not for someone who is not stuck with you, not for any boy, not even for my wonderful brother.

Too much work had left my husband, by 30, jaded and uninspired. He’d burned out — but I could reenchant things. I danced at restaurants when they played a song I liked. I turned grocery shopping into an adventure, pleased by what I provided. Ambitious, hungry, he needed someone smart enough to sustain his interest, but flexible enough in her habits to build them around his hours. I could. I do: read myself occupied, make myself free, materialize beside him when he calls for me. In exchange, I left a lucrative but deadening spreadsheet job to write full-time, without having to live like a writer. I learned to cook, a little, and decorate, somewhat poorly. Mostly I get to read, to walk central London and Miami and think in delicious circles, to work hard, when necessary, for free, and write stories for far less than minimum wage when I tally all the hours I take to write them.

At 20, I had felt daunted by the project of becoming my ideal self, couldn’t imagine doing it in tandem with someone, two raw lumps of clay trying to mold one another and only sullying things worse. I’d go on dates with boys my age and leave with the impression they were telling me not about themselves but some person who didn’t exist yet and on whom I was meant to bet regardless. My husband struck me instead as so finished, formed. Analyzable for compatibility. He bore the traces of other women who’d improved him, small but crucial basics like use a coaster ; listen, don’t give advice. Young egos mellow into patience and generosity.

My husband isn’t my partner. He’s my mentor, my lover, and, only in certain contexts, my friend. I’ll never forget it, how he showed me around our first place like he was introducing me to myself: This is the wine you’ll drink, where you’ll keep your clothes, we vacation here, this is the other language we’ll speak, you’ll learn it, and I did. Adulthood seemed a series of exhausting obligations. But his logistics ran so smoothly that he simply tacked mine on. I moved into his flat, onto his level, drag and drop, cleaner thrice a week, bills automatic. By opting out of partnership in my 20s, I granted myself a kind of compartmentalized, liberating selfishness none of my friends have managed. I am the work in progress, the party we worry about, a surprising dominance. When I searched for my first job, at 21, we combined our efforts, for my sake. He had wisdom to impart, contacts with whom he arranged coffees; we spent an afternoon, laughing, drawing up earnest lists of my pros and cons (highly sociable; sloppy math). Meanwhile, I took calls from a dear friend who had a boyfriend her age. Both savagely ambitious, hyperclose and entwined in each other’s projects. If each was a start-up , the other was the first hire, an intense dedication I found riveting. Yet every time she called me, I hung up with the distinct feeling that too much was happening at the same time: both learning to please a boss; to forge more adult relationships with their families; to pay bills and taxes and hang prints on the wall. Neither had any advice to give and certainly no stability. I pictured a three-legged race, two people tied together and hobbling toward every milestone.

I don’t fool myself. My marriage has its cons. There are only so many times one can say “thank you” — for splendid scenes, fine dinners — before the phrase starts to grate. I live in an apartment whose rent he pays and that shapes the freedom with which I can ever be angry with him. He doesn’t have to hold it over my head. It just floats there, complicating usual shorthands to explain dissatisfaction like, You aren’t being supportive lately . It’s a Frenchism to say, “Take a decision,” and from time to time I joke: from whom? Occasionally I find myself in some fabulous country at some fabulous party and I think what a long way I have traveled, like a lucky cloud, and it is frightening to think of oneself as vapor.

Mostly I worry that if he ever betrayed me and I had to move on, I would survive, but would find in my humor, preferences, the way I make coffee or the bed nothing that he did not teach, change, mold, recompose, stamp with his initials, the way Renaissance painters hid in their paintings their faces among a crowd. I wonder if when they looked at their paintings, they saw their own faces first. But this is the wrong question, if our aim is happiness. Like the other question on which I’m expected to dwell: Who is in charge, the man who drives or the woman who put him there so she could enjoy herself? I sit in the car, in the painting it would have taken me a corporate job and 20 years to paint alone, and my concern over who has the upper hand becomes as distant as the horizon, the one he and I made so wide for me.

To be a woman is to race against the clock, in several ways, until there is nothing left to be but run ragged.

We try to put it off, but it will hit us at some point: that we live in a world in which our power has a different shape from that of men, a different distribution of advantage, ours a funnel and theirs an expanding cone. A woman at 20 rarely has to earn her welcome; a boy at 20 will be turned away at the door. A woman at 30 may find a younger woman has taken her seat; a man at 30 will have invited her. I think back to the women in the bathroom, my husband’s classmates. What was my relationship if not an inconvertible sign of this unfairness? What was I doing, in marrying older, if not endorsing it? I had taken advantage of their disadvantage. I had preempted my own. After all, principled women are meant to defy unfairness, to show some integrity or denial, not plan around it, like I had. These were driven women, successful, beautiful, capable. I merely possessed the one thing they had already lost. In getting ahead of the problem, had I pushed them down? If I hadn’t, would it really have made any difference?

When we decided we wanted to be equal to men, we got on men’s time. We worked when they worked, retired when they retired, had to squeeze pregnancy, children, menopause somewhere impossibly in the margins. I have a friend, in her late 20s, who wears a mood ring; these days it is often red, flickering in the air like a siren when she explains her predicament to me. She has raised her fair share of same-age boyfriends. She has put her head down, worked laboriously alongside them, too. At last she is beginning to reap the dividends, earning the income to finally enjoy herself. But it is now, exactly at this precipice of freedom and pleasure, that a time problem comes closing in. If she would like to have children before 35, she must begin her next profession, motherhood, rather soon, compromising inevitably her original one. The same-age partner, equally unsettled in his career, will take only the minimum time off, she guesses, or else pay some cost which will come back to bite her. Everything unfailingly does. If she freezes her eggs to buy time, the decision and its logistics will burden her singly — and perhaps it will not work. Overlay the years a woman is supposed to establish herself in her career and her fertility window and it’s a perfect, miserable circle. By midlife women report feeling invisible, undervalued; it is a telling cliché, that after all this, some husbands leave for a younger girl. So when is her time, exactly? For leisure, ease, liberty? There is no brand of feminism which achieved female rest. If women’s problem in the ’50s was a paralyzing malaise, now it is that they are too active, too capable, never permitted a vacation they didn’t plan. It’s not that our efforts to have it all were fated for failure. They simply weren’t imaginative enough.

For me, my relationship, with its age gap, has alleviated this rush , permitted me to massage the clock, shift its hands to my benefit. Very soon, we will decide to have children, and I don’t panic over last gasps of fun, because I took so many big breaths of it early: on the holidays of someone who had worked a decade longer than I had, in beautiful places when I was young and beautiful, a symmetry I recommend. If such a thing as maternal energy exists, mine was never depleted. I spent the last nearly seven years supported more than I support and I am still not as old as my husband was when he met me. When I have a child, I will expect more help from him than I would if he were younger, for what does professional tenure earn you if not the right to set more limits on work demands — or, if not, to secure some child care, at the very least? When I return to work after maternal upheaval, he will aid me, as he’s always had, with his ability to put himself aside, as younger men are rarely able.

Above all, the great gift of my marriage is flexibility. A chance to live my life before I become responsible for someone else’s — a lover’s, or a child’s. A chance to write. A chance at a destiny that doesn’t adhere rigidly to the routines and timelines of men, but lends itself instead to roomy accommodation, to the very fluidity Betty Friedan dreamed of in 1963 in The Feminine Mystique , but we’ve largely forgotten: some career or style of life that “permits year-to-year variation — a full-time paid job in one community, part-time in another, exercise of the professional skill in serious volunteer work or a period of study during pregnancy or early motherhood when a full-time job is not feasible.” Some things are just not feasible in our current structures. Somewhere along the way we stopped admitting that, and all we did was make women feel like personal failures. I dream of new structures, a world in which women have entry-level jobs in their 30s; alternate avenues for promotion; corporate ladders with balconies on which they can stand still, have a smoke, take a break, make a baby, enjoy themselves, before they keep climbing. Perhaps men long for this in their own way. Actually I am sure of that.

Once, when we first fell in love, I put my head in his lap on a long car ride; I remember his hands on my face, the sun, the twisting turns of a mountain road, surprising and not surprising us like our romance, and his voice, telling me that it was his biggest regret that I was so young, he feared he would lose me. Last week, we looked back at old photos and agreed we’d given each other our respective best years. Sometimes real equality is not so obvious, sometimes it takes turns, sometimes it takes almost a decade to reveal itself.

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